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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give my kids to my folks for 4 nights?

137 replies

Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 12:42

I need help decided what to do and I’m confused by the conflicting restrictions/guidance.

My Father has a lung condition and I made them isolate a week earlier than official guidance. If he gets Covid, he will die.

My Mother is missing her grandkids so much that she says this kind of life is not worth living.

At the moment DH and I are working entirely from home and I’m not sending the kids back to school too September.

If we totally isolate for the next 14 days can I then take the kids over To my parents for cuddles and let them stay for 4 nights?

I will have to return to the office eventually, so it’s kind of now or never, as we’d not be able to totally isolate again for 2 weeks In the future.

I’m nervous and confused about whether this is a risk/ok.

Vote:

YABU - Don’t let them have the Kids.
YANBU - Let the kids go.

OP posts:
Tedgy · 31/05/2020 12:43

What do your instincts say?

Original poster
Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 12:46

I honestly don’t know.

Surely if we Isolate for the full 2 weeks with food deliveries and no outside time, then it is safe?
But what if it is not?
But it should be.

Cur circular thought process and indecision Confused.

OP posts:
Nevertouchakoala · 31/05/2020 12:47

If you isolate before I’d say go.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/05/2020 12:49

That's what we did in the beginning before having MIL (who is vulnerable) move in with us. It's not foolproof, but it was the best we could do. However, MIL was having falls and all sorts on her own so the risks of her staying at home were just as high as the risk of her catching Covid from us.

Which probably doesn't help much, does it... Does the visit have to involve your dad? Is there a way to do it socially distanced, ie without the kids staying over and physical contact? It seems that there might be something inbetween nothing and a four day visit?

TheGoogleMum · 31/05/2020 12:50

I said yanbu. It probably is against the rules really but isolating before hand will make it as safe as possible. I hope our families are able to hug our kids soon (we can't isolate without symptoms, key workers)

HappyPunky · 31/05/2020 12:51

Do a massive shop today or tomorrow to make sure you've got as much as possible so you don't need to go to the shops then look at courier boxes that morrisons and m&s are doing and maybe get a couple of them when you need fresh stuff. They're packed up and insulated so you can wait a bit before opening it then you can be as safe as you can be to see your parents.

Original poster
Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 12:53

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett that sounds like a hard decision/situation you were in. I hope you’ve all been ok.

What we do at the moment is go and visit and sit in their garden and shout at them through the windows.

It’s just not enough for my Mum who is missing cuddles and until there is a vaccine, there will be no restriction on their isolation as the risk to my Dad is too high. My Mum will be trapped at home for months.

So it’s a now or never type decision, as we won’t be able to fully isolate for 2 weeks in the future.

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 31/05/2020 12:54

If you can literally stay indoors (no garden etc so as if you're shielding) and get only essential deliveries for two weeks then I would.

BestOption · 31/05/2020 12:54

You haven't enabled the voting

It's probably the least risky time to see them and if you don't shop or anything, for anything, for 14 days then it's low risk I'd include no deliveries of any kind as well.

But it's against the rules and their neighbours might be rightly pissed off

Despite it being the least risky time to see them, personally I wouldn't take the risk, I couldn't live with myself if I or the kids gave it to my Dad (in your Dads situation)

But I understand the temptation.

Could you not see them in the garden socially distanced. I know it's not the same, but it's not as risky either!

JudgeRindersMinder · 31/05/2020 12:57

YANBU, I think that people who do what you’re proposing are taking a measured approach, and mitigating the long term mental harm that we’re all storing up by literally isolating people.I know this won’t be a popular opinion, but people need to live, not just exist (and I say that having lost my elderly dad to covid last week)

moveandmove · 31/05/2020 12:58

Its technically against the rules. Are her neighbours the type to report her?
I'm the type to stick to rules. Everyone is missing their family, if everyone broke the rules then lockdown wouldn't have worked. I think I'm in the minority on here though.

dalrympy · 31/05/2020 12:58

I would. I think as long as you isolate for 14 days before and be really strict. (Ie wipe deliveries etc) then I think the risk is acceptable.

What are they doing for food? Handle your deliveries however they are?

3LittleMonkeyz · 31/05/2020 12:58

Do your own risk assessment. I think what you've said sounds cautious and sensible. I think we can forget the human impact of isolation and distance as well. Nobody seems to give a flying fuck about the guidelines now anyway, but what your doing sounds much more sensible than most

Sunshineboo · 31/05/2020 13:00

The only thing I would be worried about is people being asymptomatic. So you may isolate for 14 days, but possibly still be carrying the virus if you’re all asymptomatic and it goes from one to the other to the other. I’m not completely sure this is true but definitely look into it if I were you as the consequences of your dad getting it are so severe. If you are happy with it having looked at things from thatAngle then I say go for it. Lockdown is beginning to ease and people have to Make their own decisions with their own circumstances. Good luck

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 31/05/2020 13:01

I'm sorry but your DM sounds like she's putting her own feelings ahead of your DF's health. Before making a decision ask yourself how you'll feel if DF becomes ill or even worse. I'd love to cuddle my GC's and my ACs but I'd rather they were healthy. Are you feeling pressurised by your DM? I can see you're in a dilemma but only you can make the decision. Good luck

ineedaholidaynow · 31/05/2020 13:01

How old are the children? There was something in the news yesterday that talked about very young children giving hugs as unable to properly social distance. It was advised that they hugged adults' legs not pick up face to face cuddles. Would that be something you could do when you see them in the garden, and then everyone washes hands etc, and then maybe your mum washes her clothes after hugging the children to be extra safe, as I assume she has to be with your dad.

BestOption · 31/05/2020 13:01

Sorry cross posted with you and the voting has popped up too 🤷🏻‍♀️

So, you're already seeing them, but your mum wants cuddles. I understand, but it's not really fair on your Dad.

At the very most I'd visit in the garden with your Mum (Dad stays inside) let mum cuddle the KIDS then go inside, clothes into the washing machine (door open earlier) and have a shower put on fresh clothes, clean the bathroom.

But it's a lot of faff, she can already cuddle your Dad & I think she should stick to shielding with him & your chats through the window. She's already a lot better off than many.

bigchris · 31/05/2020 13:03

If you can literally stay indoors (no garden etc so as if you're shielding)

You can go In your garden if your shielding

MRex · 31/05/2020 13:03

If you isolate for 14 days before and none of you have been ill in that time then it's as safe as it can be. I'd leave them there for a full week, with plenty of toys, and visit myself too.

Herbie0987 · 31/05/2020 13:05

We all want cuddles, I am not prepared to put any of my family at risk to cuddle my grandkids and children.

Epigram · 31/05/2020 13:06

This is a really tricky one OP. The risk would be very low (if you isolate as planned), but it wouldn't be zero. On balance I think I'd go.

BogRollBOGOF · 31/05/2020 13:21

The plan to minimise the risks by quarantining in advance is sensible.

We have to live.

What is the point in indefinitely existing in a half-life for indeterminate months or even years rather than actually living and enjoying the people you love?

Original poster
Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 13:24

My kids are 7 and 8, so would understand not cuddling and going near in a garden, but I’d be more scared of my Dad catching it from a chair we’d touched (Without the full 2 week isolation) if we saw them in their garden and not just through the window. Somehow that sounds riskier to me.

I’m just so conflicted.

I also feel massively sorry for my Mum, as she’s normally out lots and it’s been so hard for her and there is no end in sight for them at all.

My Dad is quite weak, but realistically also only has a couple of years left anyway and he also misses the kids and wants to take the risk.

But can you imagine if even with the isolating they got ill and it was my fault? That would be awful.

I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Tailoff · 31/05/2020 13:25

All get tested, isolate for 2 weeks then take the kids.

A82971151 · 31/05/2020 13:28

You’re right when you say it’ll be safer now compared to when they go back school.

I would think it’s okay. Completely isolate for 2 weeks first like you said.

It is probably against him the guidelines but there are people doing far worse breaking them.

My own mil is desperate to have Dd for the day this week. I don’t know what to do. Her partner isn’t shielded but vulnerable. We have been shopping and out for exercise and that’s it. Had no close human contact. It will probably be better for Dd now compared to when she goes back school.

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