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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give my kids to my folks for 4 nights?

137 replies

Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 12:42

I need help decided what to do and I’m confused by the conflicting restrictions/guidance.

My Father has a lung condition and I made them isolate a week earlier than official guidance. If he gets Covid, he will die.

My Mother is missing her grandkids so much that she says this kind of life is not worth living.

At the moment DH and I are working entirely from home and I’m not sending the kids back to school too September.

If we totally isolate for the next 14 days can I then take the kids over To my parents for cuddles and let them stay for 4 nights?

I will have to return to the office eventually, so it’s kind of now or never, as we’d not be able to totally isolate again for 2 weeks In the future.

I’m nervous and confused about whether this is a risk/ok.

Vote:

YABU - Don’t let them have the Kids.
YANBU - Let the kids go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 13:30

@JudgeRindersMinder I’m sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 13:35

Sorry, not trying to dripfeed.

Answering a few questions:

Neighbours - I know they’d be fine as family live in one side and no one on the other site.

Testing - I paid for the private Abbott antibodies test for my Dad and me and we were negative.

Parents Isolation - My folks have not left the house since the week before the official lockdown.

My isolation - We’ve followed all the rules strictly to this point and have taken no risks so far. We will not leave the house at all for the next 14 days and have 2 food deliveries booked and will anti-bac the food as it comes in the house.

Parents - They suggested this and want to take the risk.

I do feel anxious making the decision.

OP posts:
ShadowyFigure · 31/05/2020 13:36

I think your plan is about as low risk as it gets (apart from following the rules to the letter and only seeing your DPs in their garden).

If seeing my DGC didn’t involve 2 train journeys and an underground ride I’d be doing the same as you.

callmeadoctor · 31/05/2020 13:38

Much as I sympathise, I really think your Mum needs to give herself a shake. Its not all about her......

TARSCOUT · 31/05/2020 13:38

If your DF wants this then go for it. If he only has a couple of years left, let him enjoy his GC before he is too I'll to do so. I do recommend isolating first tho.

Lilybet1980 · 31/05/2020 13:40

This is so hard for everyone. No one is getting cuddles, regardless of whether they live with someone who is shielding so your Mum is no worse off than any other grandparent, or parent separated from their children.

So much of this is outside of the rules and guidelines. Why do they need to stay over? Just visit in the garden and take your own chairs if you’re that worried.

Are we now in a complete free for all?

AHintOfStyle · 31/05/2020 13:45

To be honest I'd be more concerned about the kids' mental health being cooped up for 14 days beforehand.

Just take your own camping chairs / picnic blanket and sit in their garden.

SpockPaperScissorsLizardRock · 31/05/2020 13:48

I'm in a similar situation in that my Dad has a serious lung condition and my DC are also 7 and 8.

We are planning on meeting up halfway between our homes and having a socially distant picnic. Dad is happy with this.

If I visited and left my kids then parents got ill I would never forgive myself.

HeckyPeck · 31/05/2020 13:48

If your Dad wasn’t shielding I would probably say YANBU, but he is and you’ve said he’d die if he caught it.

As a PP said it’s hot all or nothing. Why not do your 14 days isolation (accepting that deliveries aren’t completely risk free even) then go and visit in their garden & allow hugs then. Avoiding face to face where possible. You could visit a few days in a row as long as you are still isolating for that time. That way if you/the kids are carriers it’s less of a chance of passing it on than them staying in their house for 4 days.

LouLouLoo · 31/05/2020 13:53

My Dad has a lung condition and is shielding. He would be willing to break the rules now in order to see the grandchildren.

I have taken them over and they've had chat with them inside and us outside but I will not do anything more.

My Dad acknowledges that if he catches it he will likely die and I've told him I'm not willing to facilitate that risk. My sibling has been to the house and went in which has infuriated me, but I won't budge.

I think my children's risk to them is small but I would never forgive myself if they got ill as a result of my actions.

Heronwatcher · 31/05/2020 13:55

I don’t think the risk is massive. But it doesn’t sound like that great a plan to me. Your kids will be cooped up for 14 days at home, and then with your parents. Will they really enjoy this? Also even if you do this once, it’s for a relatively short period and won’t your mum feel worse afterwards? If you think this is going to be a long term thing, maybe your mum needs to think of other ways to get a bit more freedom (maybe she could move out for a few weeks and then isolate herself before going back- I don’t know how your dad would feel about that??). I understand how difficult this is but I’m not sure this is the solution.

Mammaaof · 31/05/2020 14:00

It's against the rules, if everyone did this there would be no lockdown. My partners gran died alone due to covid. Everyone is in the same position, what the hell makes you so special and priority to see your family! You'll probably still do it anyway tho hey ho!

pfrench · 31/05/2020 14:06

This is how this thing is going to be managed long term right? Common sense.

We've done the same this week with seeing relatives (before it was 'allowed') - we all isolated for a week (having not done anything dodgy in the week prior to that either), then did the visiting. We're all going back to school next week, this was the best time.

Original poster
Poorpigletsrevenge · 31/05/2020 14:07

@Mammaaof Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss.

Secondly, you do what’s best for your family and I’ll do what’s best for mine.

We’ve been on strict lock down and not done a thing to risk anyone else.

I’m not asking about going to a beach and licking strangers!

I honestly don’t know what to do, which is why I’m asking for advice.

OP posts:
Biglittlethings · 31/05/2020 14:10

If you do decide to do it, make sure you top up the petrol in your car BEFORE you self isolate.

CrystalTipped · 31/05/2020 14:13

Are the dc's missing them too? Are they used to staying with them overnight?

IdblowJonSnow · 31/05/2020 14:13

I say yanbu. As long as your dad is happy with that.
If my kids grandparents offered a few nights I'd jump at it.

hammeringinmyhead · 31/05/2020 14:14

I wouldn't bother asking AIBU. You'll get a range of replies ranging from yes, that sounds sensible to no, you're a murderer.

I personally fall into the former camp.

GabsAlot · 31/05/2020 14:14

its tough isnt it-hgavent seen my family for 9 weeks not shielding they just dont live nearby and first time i wll be seeing them is outside in their garden as per the new rules

i think maybe visit but not for them to stay over your still not meant to hug people

Frazzled2207 · 31/05/2020 14:15

Yanbu at all in my opinion. But I’d personally be worried about what neighbours say.

Ellisandra · 31/05/2020 14:18

Your parents are still seeing the kids though. Is this really going to help? A boost to get them through some more months, or something that leads to missing them even more and grieving the previous life all over again? It’s not going to be “enough”. I’m wouldn’t.

Cornishclio · 31/05/2020 14:19

I think if you isolate beforehand then it should be fine. Where is the risk? We live local to our daughter and young grandchildren and have now started looking after them for a few days a week so my daughter and her husband can work from home. We don't have the health issues your Dad has though but if he is so life limited he only has a few years left does he really want to spend those in lockdown? This virus is not going anywhere so you have to find a way to manage the risk. I would say see them in the garden though where the risk of catching anything is minimal. Why 4 nights? Do they live a long way away?

eleventy3isthemagicnumber · 31/05/2020 14:19

Your parents are adults. Unless there are any issues with dementia, then they know the risk and are making their own decisions.

I think you should do this, it will mean a lot for all involved and the chances of passing covid on are very slim if you've isolated for 14 days.

Somewhereinthesky · 31/05/2020 14:21

I think you should follow your heart. Just make sure you do the best to minimise the risk so they won't get ill because of you. If you are happy with that, then it should be ok.
One thing that I think you should realise is, posting on MN, you will encounter people with so many different circumstances. For example, I can't even see my parents even if they are dead, since I am living abroad. Let alone my parents seeing my dc. So you do get nasty comments etc, but just do what's best for your family.

godyouareahhhhh · 31/05/2020 14:22

No I wouldn't. Your mother is being selfish risking her husbands life for the sake of not seeing the grandkids for a while.