AIBU to give my kids to my folks for 4 nights?

[Poorpigletsrevenge]

I need help decided what to do and I’m confused by the conflicting restrictions/guidance.

My Father has a lung condition and I made them isolate a week earlier than official guidance. If he gets Covid, he will die.

My Mother is missing her grandkids so much that she says this kind of life is not worth living.

At the moment DH and I are working entirely from home and I’m not sending the kids back to school too September.

If we totally isolate for the next 14 days can I then take the kids over To my parents for cuddles and let them stay for 4 nights?

I will have to return to the office eventually, so it’s kind of now or never, as we’d not be able to totally isolate again for 2 weeks In the future.

I’m nervous and confused about whether this is a risk/ok.

Vote:

YABU - Don’t let them have the Kids.
YANBU - Let the kids go.

@CrystalTipped due to my work, they usually have them for a night every other weekend and one evening in the week. I think as they saw them so much before, from this to yelling through the window has been a big change.

They live less than 20 mins drive. We only pop over once a week now, as we have only been going out once a week.

The risk doesn't seem that high, so if you're going to do it now might be a good time.

But do you have lots of space at home? You would be making your kids stay at home for 14 days, and presumably more time at your parents. If you later did get CV they would have to do this again for 14 days. That's a lot of time stuck in the house, and could potentially impact their mental health. This possibly might be less of an issue with a big house/ garden, but I definitely wouldn't do it to mine in our small flat.

I think you just need to use common sense here, as long as none of you have been in contact with anyone else for two weeks then there’s no risk of passing anything on.

My kids saw their grandmother (my mum) for the first time today in their garden, they are old enough to understand the 2m rule. My mum has been shielding and yesterday broke down because she had not seen her grandkids or any other family member since before lockdown. My kids have not been near anyone since beginning of lockdown .

Surely there’s some middle way between shouting at them from the garden and staying with them for 4 nights? All in the garden together, but distanced, for example.

@LouLouLoo We’ve all be super strict so far, I’d be furious if anyone risked Dad by visiting and going in.

It is also both my Parents who want this, not just my Mum.

As I’m sure you understand, there is no ‘return to normal’ for people with lung conditions, so my folks will be isolated far longer than most which I think is why they’ve thought of this.

3 years for my Dad would be really pushing what is expected from him, so spending the next year/years away from them is a horrible thought.

We Zoom and window wave, but my folks just want what hey had before lockdown, seats and cuddles.

I think I’m erring I’m saying no. But then if Dad died not having got his cuddles I’d probably feel as bad.

It's really hard but given your dad's health I'd say no. How awful will you and your mum feel if he does catch it off the children or the children give it your mum and she gets ill and infects your dad.
If it wasn't for his health I'd say go. It comes down to how you'd feel/your mum would feel if something happened. Yes it's low risk but it's still a risk.

Compromise by meeting up with your parents in a park or other outside space, as far away from other people as possible. This is both safer and within the guidelines.

Do it. If your dad had to have a carer due to a medical condition or fall he would.be at a greater risk than he is now seeing you and your children, and no one would say that care shouldnt be provided in that circumstance...so...this is a risk assessment based on mental health.
Anyway they found that lungs werent as significant as diabetes or high blood pressure/obesity. Would you take your dad to hospital if he had a fall? Yes, yet that would also expose him to covid.

If parents are happy then I would do it. There is little to no risk to your children. The rest of you are adults and are capable of doing a risk assessment about your own health.

There is no point in isolated existence going on and on. Even if the virus disappeared tomorrow there would be a risk to your Dad coming into contact with anyone with any other virus including flu. There are always viruses around and most of them are capable of killing people particularly those who are vulnerable.

In your position I would never forgive myself if I refused and then my one (or both) parents died (from Covid or something else) before they got to spend any time with their grandchildren.

Over 616,000 people died (all ages all causes) in the UK in 2018.

I can see why your parents want to enjoy life now. The actual risk though is huge to your DF and by all accounts it's a frightening, painful, lonely death. Then there would be you and your mother grieving with no friends or family popping in to offer comfort and support.

It’s incredibly selfish of your mother to put you in this situation.
She really expects you to completely lock down your small children for another 14 days?

No I wouldn’t do it. Yes it’s hard but rules are there for a reason. By all means see your mother in her garden for a while, but overnight stays are not allowed, guidance is clear.

That sounds like pure emotional blackmail from your mother - does she have form?

i dont think you should

i think your mother should try and manage without a hug tbh.

there are so many people breaking the lock down, please dont be one of those people.

I wouldn’t do it.

I would do something in between like socially distant picnic (each household eats and drinks own food) with your household on a picnic blanket that you take home and no hugging. I thought this was the announcement that was going to be made for shielded today?

Also why 4 nights?

Your children are going to be stuck indoors in a home that is not their own, without their things, with a chronically ill grandparent who presumably needs rest, or at best in your parents' garden with them for 96 long hours - that's much harder for a 7 and an 8 year old than adults.

It sounds as though this is all about your mother and not about the children.

Saying that despite the fact you're visiting once a week for socially distanced chat in the garden, her life isn't worth living if you don't serve your children up to her for cuddles is a stopping pretty low to manipulate you.

We only go out once a week at the moment, so it means the kids would miss one trip out.

We live in an area that’s white he only populated, so going out for a walk stopped quite early on as there are far too many people not socially distancing.

If I asked the kids they would give this up to see my folks.

My Mum is struggling. Her life has changed the most since lockdown. My Dad never went out much as not capable, but between being his carer she used to go out most days and see her friends and the grandkids stayed one night every other weekend.
I think she’s missing the physical contact and also the social aspect greatly.

She’s not being emotionally exploitative or selfish, both my parents want this. But she is coping the worst. Her life is very hard and I’m not at all cross with her for asking.

Does it make a difference if 1 night or 4?

I think she was offering the most she thought I’d agree to, also she knows she has to stock up on cuddles for a Very long time as this could not happen again when we’re back to work outside of the home.

They are used to my kids staying and miss bedtime/books/cuddles/breakfast etc that are the norm for them.

My Mum is not being exploitative by asking. Shes utterly miserable and very lonely. I get why she’s asked and don’t think she’s coming from a bad place.

Hi Piglet,

It seems really obvious to me that you're uncomfortable about this and it's your parents putting the pressure on. They don't have any right to do this to you and there are many in the same position.when it comes down to it it's your decision.

Whatever you try to do, you can't avoid that there is going to be a risk. How dreadful would you feel if your Dad became unwell? He's being kept as safe as possible right now. Why risk it? They've got this far and they can just keep on going...it makes a mockery of isolating for all this time otherwise.

It would be a 'no' from me to protect my own children. They shouldn't have to live with the guilt either if something happened to him and nor should they have to isolate for 14 days in order to have a hug from your parents. I mean, come on, you'd isolate our whole family just for your parents to have that contact? I think this has become a focus that's blown out of all proportion because they're going stir-crazy.

You can almost eliminate risk by not having any deliveries for 2 weeks and not going out, assuming you have been very careful up to now. Just freeze some milk etc before starting. If possible, make it longer than 2 weeks.
Will your mum isolate permanently - until she has access to a reliable vaccine?

Personally I wouldn't. I think it would feel awful if anything happened to DF in your case - obviously you'd never know exactly where he'd got it from, and risks would be low. I appreciate your DM is finding it hard though.

But your father will die if he gets Covid.
And she wants you to lock yourself and your children down for 14 more days.
She is still seeing her grandkids. Plenty of people haven’t even enjoyed that.
I get that she’s miserable and if your dad wasn’t so vulnerable it would be much simpler. But it’s way too much to ask of your children given the other restrictions that are being lifted and which would mean that they could start to have some semblance of normality.