Caught in the middle again

[FedUpAgain2020]

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

Oh that sounds awful. I’m not surprised she’s decided that though. He sounds like he can be a bully to her and doesn’t want to accept that she has her own opinion. I wouldn’t want I live with someone who didn’t respect my opinion either and said mean things if I had my own thoughts.

This isn’t love OP. If you love someone you don’t treat them this way. This is about control and your DH losing that control because your DD is growing up. He’s trying to claw back some power by bullying her in to submission but she’s fighting back and keeping her boundaries by saying no more. Good for her.
Now you have to decide if you support your daughter or the bullying emotional abuser you married.

When you try to discuss this with him, he’s going to try to minimise it. He’ll say you’re both “making a fuss about a photo”. He’ll try to make you doubt yourself and doubt her.

This is not about a photo.

It’s about his anger, his lack of respect for his family, the abuse he is putting you through.

It’s about your safety, your daughter’s safety, about consent, it’s about supporting her in establishing positive relationships.

It’s not about a photo.

I wish you luck OP

How do you know he loves you? It's clear that he doesn't know the meaning of the word. Please open your eyes to this reality, or you will lose your DD.

A texted apology is meaningless, he should have the guts to apologise face to face.

He sounds controlling and terrifying. His response to being told “no” is to start saying nasty things, which is awful.

This type of behaviour is horribly common and I think comes up in Why Does He Do That, and it is something that particularly annoys me, eg:

“Please don’t shout at me.”
“RIGHT! I’ll never speak to you again then!”

“Please be careful not to smash my things when you move them.”
“RIGHT! I’ll never put anything away ever again!”

“Please don’t take a photo of me.”
“RIGHT! I’ll never do anything for you ever again!”

This punishment for asserting a boundary, the complete overreaction and aggression is abusive. You haven’t said what the horrible things were that he said to your daughter, but it’s clearly not the first time and it sounds like the final straw. Why haven’t you protected her? Is he abusing you too? Are you scared of him?

She's only 17. My DD is 17 - this is heartbreaking. Where can she go though, aren't you desperately worried she might walk out and never come back? Why don't you know what to do?

Tell him to leave, stay with family or whatever, and show her you are finally on her side.