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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught in the middle again

206 replies

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:41

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

OP posts:
DC3dilemma · 30/05/2020 17:31

Yuck. Demanding a photo because she looked nice in a pretty dress? Throwing a strop when she asserts any authority over her own decision making in this?

That’s just so gross and entitled. Children (and women) aren’t property.

He can be disappointed, but that shouldn’t be anyone else’s problem but his own.

As I say to my kids -we all make mistakes, but it’s not finished and forgotten till amends are made. He needs to apologise for his behaviour. But men that do these things rarely do.

DC3dilemma · 30/05/2020 17:33

And does he realise that his argument “I do so much for her...she should do this for me” is exactly the same as “I bought her dinner...so she owed me sex”.

What an example.

burnoutbabe · 30/05/2020 17:39

It's odd how many people are saying her dad is being creepy and controlling
Would we say a mum was creepy who got upset she couldn't take a pic of her son?
Probably not
I mean he didn't react well but who is these days in lockdown
Pretty much accusing him of being a perv for wanting a picture of his daughter seems a big leap!!

Bertucci · 30/05/2020 17:47

Your husband sounds like a horrible bully.

He needs to grow up and respect his daughter. I hope he apologises to her.

Mine are around her age and they would flatly refuse to pose for a photo for their parents! They would find it cringey and uncomfortable.

JudyCoolibar · 30/05/2020 17:48

Your husband is being spectacularly selfish. He's deliberately spoilt her evening because he couldn't get his way over something essentially trivial. He should really text her to apologise.

occa · 30/05/2020 17:52

Wow I agree with almost everyone that your DH was totally in the wrong here.

Your DD absolutely has a right to say no to anyone who is crossing her personal boundaries of what she's comfortable with. If this was my DD I would be telling her I was proud of her for sticking to her guns even though it was upsetting.

TheOriginalMrsMoss · 30/05/2020 17:57

@burnoutbabe

I'm trying to imagine insisting on taking a photo of one of my teen sons because he looks SO handsome in his new jeans. Then starting an argument, saying unkind things and potentially ruining his day out, because of my insistence that he owes me a photo of him looking handsome because of everything I do for him.

No, it would never happen and would be equally creepy and would make them feel very, very uncomfortable. It's totally overstepping boundaries.

LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE · 30/05/2020 17:59

There are no pictures of me aged between 11 and 17 except for school ones. No regrets here.

Coyoacan · 30/05/2020 18:01

You dh reminds me of my abusive ex. She was happy and heading out to have a lovely day with her friends and he has completely ruined it for her.

Maisiecow · 30/05/2020 18:03

I haven’t read the full thread OP, but has it helped to know that most of MN agree with you regarding the fact that your DH has acted unreasonably? My guess is that you are now left wondering if you are indeed married to the abusive monster that he is accused of on this forum. Well, the situation within my own family was very similar when my daughter was a teen. I was quite often in the middle of such an argument between DH and DD, and the scenario you describe is exactly the kind of thing that that might instigate a disagreement. Of course your DH has over reacted to DDs refusal (quite rightly if she was not comfortable) to have her picture taken. It doesn’t mean he is an abusive monster. It just means he is struggling with his own feelings and has dealt with this in a very immature manner. He certainly needs to calm down, learn not to take it so personally, and apologise to your daughter. However, many parents struggle with the fact that their children are transitioning into adults, and need time to come to terms this. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is an an abusive father, and whilst an adult, doesn’t make him exempt from behaving like an idiot at times! My advice if you want it OP? Talk things through with DH. Trust me, life is too short to focus on silly arguments that can often be resolved with a bit of understanding from both sides.

Mittens030869 · 30/05/2020 18:10

*And does he realise that his argument “I do so much for her...she should do this for me” is exactly the same as “I bought her dinner...so she owed me sex”.

What an example.*

That's the point. I'm not going to suggest that he was being creepy (that would be projection coming from my own past), but it isn't at all the right message to be giving his DD, at 17, that she owes him a photo because of all he does for her.

The OP said that she was very upset and worried that he was mad with her, and it doesn't sound like it was a one-off from the thread title.

ssd · 30/05/2020 18:10

It worries me all the op gas said after over 100 posts about her dh being in the wrong is she really appreciates everyone's input.

I wonder if she'll bother to change?

TimelyManor · 30/05/2020 18:10

That's a good post, Maisiecow. My first reaction was that the OP's husband had intentionally ruined the DD's day because she hadn't done what he wanted but I am from an abused background which must taint how I see things.

I hope you will all be okay, OP.

QuestionMarkNow · 30/05/2020 18:11

I have the same issue with my dc1. And tbh I am unhappy about not being able to take some photos of him.
I am sure it doesnt mean anything to him and it probaby wont in the future either. But as a parent, not having ANY phtos of my dc is upsetting (which is the situation dc1 would be very happy with).

However, your dh has no right at all to say unkind things to your dd, laying on the guilt (I do so much for you etc....). If he really wants some photos of your dd, he will have to learn to do it another way (Just like I've had to - not showing the photos to dc1 or talking about them seems to allow me to have some photos of him)

QuestionMarkNow · 30/05/2020 18:14

@Maisiecow, whilst I fully agree with the gist of your post, I am struggling to see the relationhsio between not wanting your photo taken and struggling with your dc growing up.

Crismaple · 30/05/2020 18:15

DH is being unreasonable. A request is something a person can refuse. Dont let your husband squash your daughter, stand up for her.

thehairyhog · 30/05/2020 18:32

Sounds like your husband needs an education in consent.

DuckALaurent · 30/05/2020 18:36

Your poor DD. She’s entitled to not like photos being taken and your DH should not have reacted that way.

DD is only 13 but I’d never make her have a photo done if she’d told me she didn’t want one.

Teach your DD that her life is her own and she’s not an object owned by her father. He can’t have a hissy fit when she refuses to be a performing monkey.

Cocobean30 · 30/05/2020 18:38

I don’t know a single teenager who wants to have their photo taken in that situation. It’s the most self conscious time of your life. Your DH is being a dick and he needs to explained to him how hard it is being a teenage girl!

Choice4567 · 30/05/2020 18:42

@DC3dilemma but it is exactly the point. This is what her father is teaching her. If a man wants you to do something you owe him, as he’s been nice to you. You don’t matter as a person, just make sure you do what the man wants

Deadringer · 30/05/2020 18:45

I love to get a photo of my dds when they are dressed up to go out, its so nice to see them out of their ratty dressing gowns! But if they say no i would never push it, your dh is being unreasonable.

TerrorWig · 30/05/2020 19:02

It feels like a very small thing as an adult, but I remember being that age and would have rather died that have a cringey photo taken by my mum or dad.

It’s fine to have a bit of cajoling - oh come on, you look so lovely, it’ll be nice to look back on when you’re an old lady - but your husband’s reaction was totally ridiculous and over the top.

diddl · 30/05/2020 19:23

"My first reaction was that the OP's husband had intentionally ruined the DD's day because she hadn't done what he wanted"

Well he kind of has, hasn't he?

I mean he pushed & pushed about something he already knows that she doesn't like doing, went on to threaten & say unkind things.

Of course she would be upset about her dad being so angry-even though she has done nothing wrong!

No wonder some women give in for a quiet life!

Her own father who should be kind & understanding, not royally pissed off about a photo!

She probably feels it's her fault that her mum & dad will be arguing about it as well.Sad

DC3dilemma · 30/05/2020 19:47

@Choice4567

Sorry...don’t understand what you are saying. You seem to be assuming I disagree with the point I am actually making.

ravensoaponarope · 30/05/2020 21:01

What a bully.
Also, going on about all he does for her, he is her father. He chose to have children.