Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught in the middle again

206 replies

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:41

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

OP posts:
NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 30/05/2020 15:14

It's ok to ask anyone for a photo. If that person says no, it's not ok to strop about it. DH is in the wrong. And controlling

Soubriquet · 30/05/2020 15:15

@FrancisCrawford

Is it just her dad she doesn’t like taking a photo?

Does she take selfies?

So what if she does?

It’s her body. If she wants to photograph herself but not allow her dad to photograph her, that’s her right

Happynow001 · 30/05/2020 15:15

@FedUpAgain2020
It's your daughter's right to say no to anything she's uncomfortable about from anyone. Including family. This is a valuable lesson for her to learn from early childhood onwards. YANBU OP.

feathermucker · 30/05/2020 15:15

Absolutely her choice. His reaction is disproportionate.

Elieza · 30/05/2020 15:16

I can see both sides of this one. A proud dad wanting a keepsake of his little daughter all grown up looking lovely. That he can put in the family album for her.

And a young woman (Perhaps with body confidence issues because of society) embarrassed by her dad wanting to take a photo without filters that she won’t be able to make up to her standards as today’s youth all have to be perfect in photos apparently. And it could end up on his Facebook and people could see her...

Stressful for her. Disappointing for him.

Honestly if it was me I’d be telling the two of them that as will all things in life sometimes you have to compromise. I can see both sides but in honesty looking back at the photos my parents forced me to be in (against my will) is one if the few pleasures I have now ‘with’ my dad as he died a few years ago.

I’m glad now I have photos of those days. As if I’d had my way there would be none. And I wish I had more but there are very few of me at all as I avoided. God knows why as I looked great then compared to now! Oh ‘how youth is wasted on the young’...

Mittens030869 · 30/05/2020 15:16

Your DH was well out of order. This is something I feel strongly about because of my own past. I was made to feel guilty for not wanting to be around my F who was sexually abusing my DSis and me. My DM (who didn't know this) told me off for hurting his feelings when I was a teenager.

I'm really NOT suggesting that there's anything untoward going on, I want to stress. But your DD needs to know that she's allowed to say no to requests to have her photo taken. Especially at her age. Otherwise, she won't understand that she can say no to a boyfriend's request to take intimate photos, even if he tries to make her feel guilty about hurting his feelings. (And it does sound as if there's a pattern here of your DD worrying about whether she's upset him.)

Sparklesocks · 30/05/2020 15:18

I agree selfies are different. You can control the angle, how close you are from the camera, pick the best one etc. It makes complete sense that a teenager with some insecurities would feel better about how she would look in a selfie they have taken, controlled and approved rather than a candid their dad took.

Savingshoes · 30/05/2020 15:20

Poor man, all he wanted was a photo of his daughter.
She's pretty dramatic tbh. Tears and tantrums from a 17 year old simply because she disagreed with her dad.

HeadSpin5 · 30/05/2020 15:20

I would have felt uncomfortable having my photo taken at that age, and if my parents had kicked off like your DH, yes it would have ruined my afternoon, weighing on my mind etc. OP YANBU, your DH def is. If she didn’t want her photo taken, she didn’t want her photo taken - her choice

Soubriquet · 30/05/2020 15:22

@Savingshoes

Poor man, all he wanted was a photo of his daughter. She's pretty dramatic tbh. Tears and tantrums from a 17 year old simply because she disagreed with her dad.
No....he had a tantrum

She was upset by said tantrum

Read it properly

Perisoire · 30/05/2020 15:23

My dad was an avid photographer/videographer. I remember he would take take us to famous sights and try and take pics of us, sometimes without mum. We ranged in ages between 7 - 13. Sometimes we would play up as kids do when they’re bored of having to pose. Our dad never got annoyed with us. This thread makes me miss him so much.

CrazyToast · 30/05/2020 15:23

Lots of people don't feel comfortable with their looks or photos, especially teenagers. She wasn't being unreasonable.

People saying 'poor man just wanted a photo' are missing the point.

There was nothing wrong with him asking for a photo. But getting angry about it when she refused was wrong.

Ratbagratty · 30/05/2020 15:23

If my 4 year old doesn't want her photo taken we respect that. I agree with pp no means no.

Sparklesocks · 30/05/2020 15:23

@Savingshoes I would say the dad is the dramatic one.

DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

Not exactly a measured response.

Mittens030869 · 30/05/2020 15:25

That reaction from her dad is exactly how my F behaved when I said no to him about anything. I'm sorry but whatever else, that's controlling behaviour. It's not healthy for a teenage girl, who will be learning from her dad what's acceptable behaviour from a boyfriend. She's obviously close to him, so he needs to stop just thinking about his own feelings.

pilates · 30/05/2020 15:25

If your DD doesn’t want her photo taken your DH should respect her wishes. To make her upset before she goes out is plain nasty. Tell him to back off and stop being a bully.

CharmerLlama · 30/05/2020 15:27

Everything that @EmbarrassedWoman said.

My husband is sometimes like this and my two DDs hate it. They take hundreds of pictures of themselves but as a op said, they can control those photos and choose which ones they like and to keep. My girls knew that my husband would take what they considered unflattering photos and then share them with wider family members.

Once she said no he should have respected her decision. He is the one who has spoiled the atmosphere.

Nowadays, if either of my girls is getting ready to go out I try to pre-empt him and warn him not to demand pictures. Now he may ask them to take a nice photo while they're out and send it to him which they're usually happy to do (if they remember).

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2020 15:28

There's no 'middle' in this. Your DH is being an arse.

Does she mind having a photo taken when she's not posing/aware?

But bearing in mind that everyone is a possible 'victim' of camera phones in your face 24/7 it's even more important to have autonomy when you can

Hope you've reassured her. Now go follow your husband round like you're a paparazzo

Scarydinosaurs · 30/05/2020 15:30

Your DH is totally out of line here. He doesn’t get to request photos. Does he lack so much empathy that he can’t imagine being a teenage girl who doesn’t want her photo taken?

EverdeRose · 30/05/2020 15:30

What a weirdo.
His behaviour is dramatic and controlling and a bit creepy.
I wouldn't have been happy as a teen to have my photo taken either.

averythinline · 30/05/2020 15:30

seriously why was he insisiting on taking a photo of her that is really creepy....

teh fact shes scared about him being angry.sulking is horrific....

diddl · 30/05/2020 15:30

"I agree selfies are different. You can control the angle, how close you are from the camera, pick the best one etc"

But that to me completely sums up what it wrong atm-people so obsessed with how they look that they need to control it to the nth degree.

That's not to say that her dad didn't totally overreact & show no understanding at all.

Maybe another time she could let someone take a quick pic for you to remember the occasion?

sexbearhouse · 30/05/2020 15:31

You have a DH problem

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/05/2020 15:33

I think that he should see his job as teaching her to set her own boundaries and enforce them. He thinks it's 'just a photo' but how would he feel about a future boyfriend insisting on a sexual act that she's not comfortable with but she feels that she responsible for 'upsetting' him if she refuses.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 30/05/2020 15:34

Why is he so set on getting a photo of her? To then strop around in a tantrum when told no?

Very odd reaction.

Swipe left for the next trending thread