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AIBU?

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Original poster

Caught in the middle again

206 replies

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:41

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 30/05/2020 16:22

Is that how your dh usually gets whatever he wants- by acting angry and telling people they aren’t grateful, etc.?
What does he think your daughter “owes” a date?

tillytown · 30/05/2020 16:25

Agree with everyone else, your husband is a dickhead. You need to stick up for your daughter

Spacepocket · 30/05/2020 16:27

I don’t even bother asking DD if I can take a picture anymore because she always refuses. Or has a strop.
If she agrees to be in a photo with her siblings, it turns into a drama with her demanding forty retakes. And even then she refuses to smile properly so looks utterly miserable.
She refused to have her picture taken with me prior to her school prom. Despite taking 4000 selfies and pictures with her mates before she left the house.
This kid does not have any self esteem issues. She has three thousand followers on Instagram and updates her social media photos every other day. It worries me. The pressure and obsession to appear picture perfect is wearing.
The names that your husband has been called on this thread are horrible.
He probably over reacted, as did she. It’s upsetting knowing that in years to come, she’ll probably be spinning it that she was excluded from family pictures.

TheOriginalMrsMoss · 30/05/2020 16:29

Horrible. Your DH has no right to insist he takes a photo of your daughter. TBH, the insistence, sulking and complaining is downright creepy.

I'd have stepped in and told him in no uncertain terms he had no rights over his daughter. Good for her for maintaining her boundaries and not giving in. I hope he hasn't ruined the day for her by making her upset.

Nearlyalmost50 · 30/05/2020 16:32

In our house there's two steps to getting a photo taken a) asking if the person will be in the photo and b) asking if they mind if it goes on FB to show their grandma or whoever. My teen girls say no to some photos, happy to be in others, and choose the ones that go on FB. I have never posted a FB photo of them without them explicitly consenting.

Your husband is an utter dick, because whilst it's fine to be a bit disappointed and say 'that's a shame, you look lovely, I'd love to have a photo of you', it's not ok to then verbally abuse someone who doesn't want to have their photo taken.

My guess is that this isn't the only occasion on which he lets fly with the insults.

This won't get him closer to her, or make her want to pose for more photos.

To spoil her first day out in ages is a horrible thing to do. Some people are really quite unpleasant.

Nearlyalmost50 · 30/05/2020 16:34

Also, the more he fusses, the less she will want to comply.

I have one daughter who is camera shy, she doesn't always appear in photos and almost never on FB, but because I don't push it, and because I always let her say no, sometimes she's happy to be in a photo if we are altogether as a family, or to do a selfie of all of us just for fun.

You catch more flies with honey, especially if they are teenage girls.

notaprettygirl · 30/05/2020 16:34

His role as a father is to encourage her to set boundaries around herself, and not to submit to things that make her feel uncomfortable for fear of a man's angry reaction.

He's completely failed in his role as a Father on this one. He can put it right by apologising in a way that shows he understands what he got wrong.

LizzieLoafer · 30/05/2020 16:35

@Azaziel

Your husbands a cunt. Did you even try to stand up for her?
Poor girl. She shouldn't have to go out with her friends feeling like shit because her father is a controlling fucker.
zscaler · 30/05/2020 16:36

DH needs to get a grip. She doesn’t have to comply just because he wants her to, especially when it’s something personal like taking a picture. He needs to stop being stroppy and manipulative.

Choice4567 · 30/05/2020 16:37

Have you explained to your DH that DD is not a possession, and he doesn’t get to demand a photo. Nor can he demand what she wears or any other number of things that are for her to decide

FOJN · 30/05/2020 16:41

I hope you stand up for your daughter.

Teaching a 17 year old to compromise her boundaries to appease a man is a very bad lesson.

Does your husband have a history of difficulty being told no?

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms he owes her an apology. He also needs to grow up and accept he spoilt his own day rather than blame your daughter.

Original poster
FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 16:41

Thank you all for your input, its really appreciated.

OP posts:
SparklingIsolation · 30/05/2020 16:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Oxfordblue · 30/05/2020 16:44

Gawd! He's being completely unreasonable & actually, acting like a spoilt baby...Me, me, me.

Dad, lose the attitude before you lose your daughter.

I hope she recovers & has a lovely day out.

CrosswalkHellMayorInsane · 30/05/2020 16:44

That reaction from her dad is exactly how my F behaved when I said no to him about anything. I'm sorry but whatever else, that's controlling behaviour. It's not healthy for a teenage girl

100% agree - this is exactly like my dad too. Some of us will get this and some won't.

Mine would kick off if we so much as had the "wrong" expression on our face, or weren't sufficiently chatty or enthusiastic about whatever he wanted to do. He ruined many a day with his strops and ranting and never ever could see that we were people with our own thoughts and feelings.

Dustycobweb · 30/05/2020 16:46

How do you see yourself addressing this issue op?

MissConductUS · 30/05/2020 16:47

He's objectifying her. It's not about him, it's about her autonomy to set boundaries.

Show him this thread. Or better yet insist that he let you take some photos of him in his underwear. Smile

Spacepocket · 30/05/2020 16:51

Missconduct ffs he didn’t ask for photos of her in her underwear. Talk about projecting Hmm

LightenUpSummer · 30/05/2020 16:52

My dm used to say she felt "caught in the middle" between me and my step dad.

Basically, he was very nasty to me (eg. permanently banning me from certain rooms in the house), I'd tell her about how I felt, and her "stuck" feeling was that she didn't want to speak to him about it.

lojoko · 30/05/2020 16:56

God why do photo people do this. They really spoil so many occasions - nobody is allowed to simply experience things any more - we all have to stop enjoying ourselves in the moment and perform for the camera.

I hate it. It really spoils my enjoyment of things. Why must everything be a performance. Why can't we just live!

RB68 · 30/05/2020 16:59

OK What message is he sending her that if she loves her Dad she will comply.....its her right to say No and she shouldn't be made to feel upset or guilty about it - he was utterly unreasonable and should apologise to her for ruining her day which is no doubt what he has done

backseatcookers · 30/05/2020 17:17

You'll have to explain why you've titled your thread "caught in the middle again" - why are you worried about your own position? Your husband has behaved badly to your teenage daughter and sounds like its a pretty regular thing. How come you are questioning whose side you're on?

I think this is a really important thing for you to think about op.

Why are you framing this as being caught in the middle?

Because you aren't really - your husband is absolutely in the wrong and your daughter is upset and has a nice evening ruined.

So you aren't in the middle, you just have a husband who behaves like a petulant bully and a daughter who is sad because of that - I hope you don't say things to her like "I'm stuck in the middle between you and dad" as that implies they have equally valid but opposing opinions.

In this case he's just being a complete twat. So overbearing and a horribly misogynist ownership thing. She's a whole person, not a mannequin to roll out on demand.

DarkDarkNight · 30/05/2020 17:20

Embarassedwoman makes a very valid point. It’s important your daughter feels she can say no and not give in to something she’s not comfortable with.

Was there a reason she didn’t want her phot taken? I love photos but you have to respect some people have photographs of themselves (I am unphotogenic so I get it). Would she have agreed if she could delete the picture if she didn’t like it, or your husband agreed not to put it on social media for example.

Your husband is being unreasonable to sulk about it.

CrystalTipped · 30/05/2020 17:20

Use this time to have a good talk with your DH about the example he is setting for her. Currently he's trying to ensure she dos what he wants when he wants and he punishes her when she refuses. (And good for her for sticking up for herself.) Does he really want to set that pattern for her future or even current relationships?

Having a photo of your kid looking lovely and happy is something special, as it makes you smile each time you see it. But she stropped out and didn't want him to have that.

She didn't want her picture taken. Probably because OP says there is a history between of them of him nagging to take a picture and then being verbally abusive on her refusal. Would you be happy and smiley to someone under those circumstances?

Stick by your daughter OP.

FrancisCrawford · 30/05/2020 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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