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AIBU?

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Original poster

Caught in the middle again

206 replies

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:41

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

OP posts:
Justgivemesomepeace · 30/05/2020 15:53

My dd also 17 must take 200 pics a day of herself but Im buggered if I can get 1! Its just how they are.
Absolutely her choice if she wants to have her picture taken and your husband has caused all this himself.
Just told DP he says 'its fucking weird behaviour' from your husband.
Fair enough if it was prom or engagement or something but not a pic of her going to meet her mates. You just roll your eyes at that and go 'ok'.
Id love to have pics of my DD but i just make do with the ones she puts on facebook.

Azaziel · 30/05/2020 15:54

Your husbands a cunt. Did you even try to stand up for her?

RevIMJolly · 30/05/2020 15:54

I think this is a bit of a power struggle about control. There will be lots of flashpoint but I think this kind of thing; I.e about photos and image are particularly powerful.

You DH probably has no idea about how your daughter has to deal with the male gaze, how she has navigated the transitional from child to young woman in a culture packed with sexualised images of females.
Your daughter probably finds it embarrassing when an adult mentions that she looks pretty in a dress. Lots of kids find it cringey when their parents remark on anything that is in any way related to attractiveness.

So, your DH is clueless about her experience. But also, he is angry because he can’t control her. And he knows that he is going to lose. She will grow up and leave him.

I would echo PP and tell you daughter that you understand and that she has done nothing wrong. I would also tell her that she will soon have all the freedom she wants, and not be bullied into anything.

I would rip your husband a new one.
But I would also try to explain to him that he has no fucking idea what it’s like to be objectified as a woman, and no idea how much pressure young girls are under.

I would also offer him a choice; grow up and apologise for his tantrum and mean words, or risk driving his daughter away forever.

Longdistance · 30/05/2020 15:54

I’m with you op. My dd is 10 and if she doesn’t want a photo taking I won’t. She’ll have a silky face if I did anyway, but it’s your dds right to object. She’s nearly an adult.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 30/05/2020 15:57

You DH is in the wrong, and a bit creepy.

At the very best, he doesn’t understand about boundaries and why this would make her uncomfortable.

I agree with pps that he has spoiled her day. She was so happy about her day out and he completely ruined it. What a horrible man.

WhitbyGoth · 30/05/2020 15:58

Your husband is a bully, your daughter has every right to make her own mind up about having her photo took, your poor DD.

WendyHoused · 30/05/2020 15:58

He's being a dick. He's overriding her autonomy and pitching a hissy fit when she doesn't comply. He's supposed to be the adult, for goodness sake.

Gazelda · 30/05/2020 15:59

Your DH has behaved dreadfully. He owes her an apology.
And I suspect it will be a looooong time before he gets a pic of his daughter they doesn't make them both feel awkward.

diddl · 30/05/2020 16:00

" People have always preferred flattering photos of themselves."

Yes I suppose so.

I can see both sides-as someone who hated having photos taken & now looking back & thinking that maybe there were times when I could have said OK to a quick snap which refused at he time.

That's hindsight though!

However, the dad's overreaction would likely have me never saying yes to him asking again!

BarbedBloom · 30/05/2020 16:03

I would have a real problem with this. I grew up with a father who would sulk and stop if we didn't do what he wanted. My mum would tell us to just do it to save his moods. It made it very hard for me to say no when my ex would pressure me into things.

No means no whether that is giving someone a hug, taking a photo or sex. I also very much dislike the idea that doing something nice for someone is a chip you can cash in later to make someone do something they don't want to.

It may just be a photo, but it is this gradual chipping away at bodily autonomy and boundaries that can cause people to end up doing more serious stuff to make someone happy later on.

I remember being forced to take a photo and putting on the biggest fake smile but I still look really sad. I hate that photo to this day.

lonelyfemale · 30/05/2020 16:05

I don't know because I've got used to family photos/school photos over the years and I don't recall ever getting asked if I wanted to be in photo or not. I would say least said soon is mended.

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2020 16:05

So he’s totally ruined her day because he’s a sulky man child who didn’t get his way? I’d be sodding furious with him.

HelenUrth · 30/05/2020 16:09

Judging from your title, using the word "again", this is not the first time there has been a difficulty between your arsehole husband and your daughter.

Certainly in this case he is being an atrocious father. Your daughter has the right to say no. He needs to respect that. As her mother, you need to help her to be respected in her own home.

pointythings · 30/05/2020 16:12

Your H is the only unreasonable one here - he should have taken no for n answer instead of resorting to emotional blackmail and bullying. Reassure your DD. Be there for her. Rip your H a new one.

CharityDingle · 30/05/2020 16:12

Poor girl. Of course she has the right to refuse to have her photo taken. He owes her a very sincere apology and a promise that he won't try this again.

Sh05 · 30/05/2020 16:12

His reaction to her refusal was definitely over the top.
You must reassure your dd that it is completely fine to say no if she feels uncomfortable and she is not responsible if her dad throws a strop

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/05/2020 16:13

Yr DH has been very controlling and unkind. "You won't do one small thing for me!" is a great big parental guilt trip. Blaming her for spoiling HIS day by making HIM have a childish tantrum.
Sorry but he's been very unkind to your daughter, sapped her confidence and caused her great anxiety just as she was looking forward to a break. Her generation are under some of the greatest pressure during this lockdown I think. They're supposed to be learning to cope with adulthood and have been cut off from school and friends, there's also the worry about exams and leaving school, which is an unknown quantity at the time. He sent her out feeling like shit because she was embarrassed about taking photos. She wasn't going to prom!! He comes across as selfish, resentful and controlling and needs to take a long hard look at his behaviour.

Pertella · 30/05/2020 16:14

At 17, she needs to understand that maybe her Dad just wants to be able to look back at photos of her

At whatever age her dad is, he needs to understand that her boundaries are hers to enforce and acting like a self entitled aggressive arse when she says no to him is not on.

monkeyonthetable · 30/05/2020 16:15

Him turning it into an emotional trauma is what worries me. He asks, she says no. That should be the end of it, with maybe a shrug to you and a, 'teens, eh?' eyebrow raise and grin in private. Not a tantrum from him that brought her to tears.

Don't intervene. It's between them. They both need to navigate and manage their feelings and learn to do it without a negotiator. I would hate that role. My dad used to rage for no reason (including because we didn't look how he thought we should in photographs.) My mum would skip around asking us to apologise for having made him angry. Hmm Don't do this.

Pertella · 30/05/2020 16:15

*selfish, entitled aggressive arse

DishingOutDone · 30/05/2020 16:17

What a massive controlling dick.

You'll have to explain why you've titled your thread "caught in the middle again" - why are you worried about your own position? Your husband has behaved badly to your teenage daughter and sounds like its a pretty regular thing. How come you are questioning whose side you're on? Hmm

QuacksInTheDark · 30/05/2020 16:18

Your husband is a complete bullying prick, forcing the issue is bad enough but then saying shitty things to emotionally blackmail her? That’s just plain nasty and abusive. How could he treat his own daughter so terribly? He’d be told to fucking apologise and mean it or get the fuck out until he does.

ssd · 30/05/2020 16:18

Sorry but your dh is a total arse hole.

ssd · 30/05/2020 16:20

And why are you letting it happen then posting on mn instead of standing up for your dd??

You are as bad as him. Poor girl.

SunshineCake · 30/05/2020 16:21

I really feel for you as our dd doesn't always want her photo taken and would say no more than yes. I 100% blame my FIL who was constantly videoing them as a small child and demanding they look, smile, laugh, etc.

It really hurts me that dh is still sad that the last photo he has of his grandmother and his dd shows GM smiling and dd frowning. Of course we didn't know it would be the last time they saw each other Sad.

I think your dh needs to apologise, both need to listen and understand each other's point of me and dh needs telling that it isn't a good idea to bring his daughter up that she can't say no to a mans demands.

Compromise. Maybe you take the phot or it is taken side on so less confronting.

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