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Original poster

Caught in the middle again

206 replies

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:41

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 30/05/2020 21:20

Poor DD. I absolutely hate having my photograph taken and nearly always refuse, and nearly always hate the results when i don't. So much so that i didn't have a wedding photographer.

When my DDs go out and they look cute, or good or whatever, we sometimes ask if we can take a photo, and if they refuse we ask if they take photos later if they'll let us have one and send one to their grandma. Usually we get one, and it's one they've chosen so we're all happy.

OP your DH, as so many PP have said, is teaching your DD that her wishes don't count and that she owes people for doing things for them. Does he think that's an empowering message for a young woman today?

TeaAddict235 · 30/05/2020 21:29

He sounds dodgy, and I would bring to his attention that he is setting the standard for every man that she is related to to be able to demand seeing her body.

Very dodgy. And creepy. Problem

Leeds2 · 30/05/2020 21:54

Your DH is in the wrong. 100%. And I think he should apologise to DD for his behaviour.

Are you able to show him this thread, so he can read it and maybe understand a bit more?

Redredgreen · 30/05/2020 22:11

I agree with pp's that say absolutely it's her choice and he badly over-reacted. If it's always an issue though, and you really do have no nice photo's of her for years, maybe one of you could talk to her about it when it's not an issue at that minute? Not in a 'you must comply' way but so he can express himself about what it means to him? And she can explain what her problems with it are? (He probably imagines most children are happy to be photo'd so he is being uniquely punished or something maybe - or that it doesn't cost her anything to let him take one, not having been a teen girl himself, whatever).

Most teens will not be in the slightest bothered about having photos of their parents, and probably don't realise just how much it means to some parents to have at least one. Could they talk about it and work out what the issues are and see if there's any type of photo she would feel comfortable about? Maybe one she takes herself, or if someone else takes them she can say if they are deleted? Can it be done without coming over as emotional blackmail I wonder?

He does have to accept that if that's none, it's none, though. And he should apologise for getting stroppy this time.

Maisiecow · 30/05/2020 22:18

@Questionmark Yes, sorry I suppose I was using my personal experience without context! My own DH struggled to accept, or even comprehend the changes in DD as she became a young adult. Things she may have done as a young child which she no longer wanted to be part of. So for example, happily posing for photos for proud daddy when little, only to become very self conscious as a teen. Of course, I don’t know if that’s the case here, just speculating possible reasons.

DishingOutDone · 30/05/2020 23:13

OP clearly didn't get the right sort of advice, not coming back to receive even more of it!

Choice4567 · 31/05/2020 07:30

@DC3dilemma sorry, I read your first comment to mean that you couldn’t see the link between someone forcing her to have her photo taken and consent for sex.

Apologies if you were in fact agreeing with the point!

SallyWD · 31/05/2020 07:39

I really feel for her. My dad was like this when I was a teenager. I remember so many times I was really looking forward to seeing my friends and he'd get upset about with me about something completely trivial just before I left. He also took everything personally. I'd leave the house feeling so upset and utterly deflated. It would ruin the evening for me and all I could think about was his mood. I'd be so anxious all night. I'm your daughter's case this is a huge deal because it was her first time seeing friends in months. She's also at that age where teenagers (often girls) can feel very insecure about their appearance. I can understand her not wanting to pose for photos. Your husband needs to be more understanding and realise not everything's about him.

Tsubasa1 · 31/05/2020 08:14

I also think it sounds creepy. It is a matter of respecting your daughter's privacy. Your husband has crossed the line, in throwing a massive tantrum and literally ruining your daughters day and possibly yours. Plus the whole "I do so much for you argument" is ridiculous, he is the parent, why should he have to say that. If he's resentful about doing things for her then he shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
This post belongs in "but we took you to Stately Homes" thread imo

Pinktornado · 31/05/2020 08:22

Your DH is definitely being unreasonable. But perhaps have a quiet word with your DD about having her photo taken? I hated it when I was a teenager too and now there are hardly any photos of me aged 12-18 and the ones that do exist I don’t like. I felt hideously ugly at the time but looking back I was a lot more gorgeous than I am now! Could your DD be persuaded to let you take photos of her on her own phone, then she can delete the ones she doesn’t like? Obviously don’t push it if she’s not interested, but I think lots of teenage girls feel that way. Keep DH out of it if possible!

CSIblonde · 31/05/2020 08:36

You need to explain to him that it's her choice whether someone takes her picture, teenagers are often insecure about their body & this sends a terrible message that his need trumps her discomfort. She's legally an adult now which also sets different boundaries & consent is an issue he should understand .

Sharpandshineyteeth · 31/05/2020 08:45

I ask my DC for photos and sometimes they refuse, or mess about during group photos. I can get irritated about it because photos are special to me. We are all human with imperfect feelings. But there is no way I would escalate it and say nasty things. That is massively controlling and mean, especially if he can’t reflect on that now and see he has caused his child to cry and feel anxious over his actions. This is a big problem OP.

bullyingadvice2017 · 31/05/2020 08:47

My dds dad does this. She is 13. One of the many reasons she is currently cutting back on the visits with a view to stopping seeing him.
It is creepy. He keeps texting her asking for a picture. She txt him back saying it makes me feel uncomfortable, do you want to make me to feel uncomfortable?
I tell her to stand her ground. Be assertive now and you might avoid being pestered about photos by any one for the next 20 years.

I don't like having my photo taken, dunno why really, don't think j have confidence issues. I find it a bit intrusive being made to do it. Now I would just say no, not gonna happen. I wish I had been able to do that when I was a teen. Instead I just felt awful and avoided situations.

2bazookas · 31/05/2020 09:39

Her Dad is a role model for a lifetime of her relationships with men. She's a young woman now, on the brink of the adult world where plenty of men will say she's pretty then ask her for something she doesn't want him to do.

He needs to let her practise some adult boundaries, like saying no to men and meaning it. Of course she wants to practise Just Say No on the safest man in her world. It's a Dad's job.

Can you put it to him like that ?

If he can grasp that, then perhaps he can model being a disappointed man who accepts a woman's refusal with good grace.

Nevertouchakoala · 31/05/2020 09:54

I can kind of see his point if she had just taken the pic none of this would have happened but in the same vein it’s her right to say no and he would just accept that. I’d say they were both being stubborn and the situation could have been avoided if they had both acted better.

Pertella · 31/05/2020 10:03

"If only if she had done what she was told then he wouldnt have got angry"

Do you have any idea how fucked up that sounds?

Soubriquet · 31/05/2020 10:06

@Pertella

"If only if she had done what she was told then he wouldnt have got angry"

Do you have any idea how fucked up that sounds?

Exactly

When a husband beats his wife, would you use the excuse of “well, if she had done as she was told, he wouldn’t be angry and wouldn’t have beaten her”

TimelyManor · 31/05/2020 10:17

@DishingOutDone

OP clearly didn't get the right sort of advice, not coming back to receive even more of it!
Or maybe she's taking the time to think about what she's been reading rather than rushing back to entertain gobby randoms on the internet Hmm
DishingOutDone · 31/05/2020 15:24

@TimelyManor you mustnt think of yourself in that way.

Original poster
FedUpAgain2020 · 01/06/2020 18:59

I'm sorry I didn't return to this thread earlier, I value everyone's comments. Things have gone from bad to worse. He didn't get it, or want to get it, about the photo despite my attempts to explain how a teenage girl can feel. He had another go at her when she came back, and said some horrible things causing a lot of upset. Today he apologised to her via text from work but she told me she can't leave like this any more and will leave if he doesn't. I feel heart broken. Been together 30 years. I know he loves us but there have been several outbursts over the years and you can't unhear things despite apologies. I am gutted. I don't know what to do or where to turn. DD has gone to stay with a friend tonight Sad

OP posts:
Pertella · 01/06/2020 19:10

How is he towards you?

Be honest.

Because to me, someone who can be that vile to their own daughter for very little reason is not likely to be very nice to their wife either - unless wife has learned what triggers him...

SunshineCake · 01/06/2020 19:21

What you do is make a choice. Your child or your husband.

pilates · 01/06/2020 19:29

It’s very sad that he cannot see the error of his ways. Your poor daughter.

pointythings · 01/06/2020 19:35

So he's done this sort of thing before? Time to make a choice then. Hint: Choose your DD and your children in general.

TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 19:40

You are not stuck in the middle. You never were. All along you have chosen to side with your husband over your children. I know this because you forced them to live with him for years.

As a result your child is leaving.

You write that you don't know what to do now. Wow. What a kick in the guts for your child.

You get to keep your prize. You keep the nasty man. Like all the other times. Except this time a child can't be forced to put up with it by you because she's old enough to protect herself now.

My parents lost me and my siblings like this. They made their choices too.

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