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AIBU?

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Original poster

Caught in the middle again

206 replies

FedUpAgain2020 · 30/05/2020 14:41

Our 17 year old daughter was going out today. She was really looking forward to it as she has been really good during lockdown and has not done much. She looked lovely in a new dress and DH wanted to take a photo of her. She refused (this has happened before, and he's been annoyed) and DH got really angry saying he does so much for her and she can't do one small thing, he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things.

DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. That won't be the case, because he has put a damper on things for her and she will be anxious about it all.

DD says she feels awkward standing there having her photo taken, its not about being unwilling to do something for him. She is often helpful and is a lovely girl. He can't see it any other way than DD has caused the atmosphere and if she had let him take a photo this would not have happened.

I'm so upset for her. I think DH is being completely unreasonable and horrible. He is generally a lovely man but he often takes things personally when that is not the case. I don't get it. He says she takes photos with her friends so why not for him? Should she have complied at his request? This is all so silly and unnecessary.

Views from other people would be really welcome.

OP posts:
YouokHun · 30/05/2020 15:35

Out of order of your DH and really very unkind to a young girl all happy to be going out, how dare he spoil it for her?!

He needs to get out of the house and go for a walk and a good long think about the delicate confidence of a lot of that age group and whether he wants to shatter his own daughter’s. He may do a lot for her but that’s his remit as a parent, she doesn’t owe him and she doesn’t have to be on bended knee and compliant when he decides to pull rank.

Grow up Mr FedUpAgain2020.

krankykittykat · 30/05/2020 15:36

Your dh sounds like a bit of a dickhead

Taliya · 30/05/2020 15:36

Your husband is being unreasonable. He has now made her feel even more awkward and uncomfortable. Yes, your daughter takes photos with her friend, that's what teenagers do. When you are a teenager most of the time your parents are a bit of an embarrassment! Does your husband not remember being a teenager. Yes parents do a lot for their children but that's what being a parent is about, not getting stroppy because your teenage daughter won't stop and pose for a photo you want to take of her in a new dress she has on.

JumpingAtJackdaws · 30/05/2020 15:36

My DH is forever trying to take pictures of me and our DD when we're out walking. "Just stand there you girls while I take a photo" he'll say ,"erm, no thanks" we'll say" and then he calls us a rotten bunch and we all forget about it. That's normal, your husband's behaviour is ridiculous.

Sparklesocks · 30/05/2020 15:36

@diddl I don’t think it’s anything new. People have always preferred flattering photos of themselves. For generations people have commissioned glossy photoshoots for pictures to put up at home, or going back further than that people used to hire artists to do enormous paintings of them. It’s just that everyone has a camera in their pocket now so it’s heightened.

But it’s the not really the point here. She felt uncomfortable having her photo taken so said no, and so her dad kicked off and said nasty things to her because of it.

Candace19 · 30/05/2020 15:36

I absolutely hate having my photo taken and flat out refuse.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 15:36

Wow your DH is way out of line.

Your poor DD.

Tbh doubtless he meant no harm but there is something quite uncomfortable about him making such a big deal out of your DD owing him a photo in return for all he's done for her. He made what started as a normal parenting moment into something slightly creepy and controlling.

Taliya · 30/05/2020 15:39

Also, I think your husband's reaction was a bit weird if you ask me.

LightenUpSummer · 30/05/2020 15:39

Is he generally so nasty when people say no to him?

Poor DD, I hope you stand up for her.

amusedbush · 30/05/2020 15:40

Your DH's behaviour is bizarre. It's perfectly reasonable to not want your photo taken and the fact that he lost his shit and said unkind things to her - and is now not speaking to you! - for it is unhinged.

It comes across as kind of creepy, to be honest. Tell him to leave her alone in future and stop spoiling her day.

PersephoneandHades · 30/05/2020 15:40

My mum used to do this to me all. The. Time. On my prom night she tried to make me pose for a photo while I was in the middle of chatting with my friends, despite knowing that I hate having my photo taken. I politely declined and she threw a strop and put a real damper on the night.

The fact that she’s his kid does not mean that he’s entitled to take photos of her when she doesn’t want him to

Mittens030869 · 30/05/2020 15:41

I'm sorry but I do think her dad's behaviour is controlling and you need to address this with him. There's also emotional blackmail, which was another strategy that my F employed, with my DM as well as with us. The suggestion that because he's done so much for her, she should do this one little thing for him, I'm sorry but that really is a red flag for me

LightenUpSummer · 30/05/2020 15:41

he won't bother doing anything for her any more. He said some really unkind things

Please tell her she's not to blame, and he's being totally ridiculous.

Standrewsschool · 30/05/2020 15:43

It’s easier getting blood out of a stone then it is getting photos off my teen ds.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 30/05/2020 15:46

Where does your OH get off being so horrible?

Is he usually so controlling and negative about his daughter?

Tell him to sort his shit out OP

notchickenagain · 30/05/2020 15:46

I'm surprised you even have to ask op. Tell him he's an utter knob and the first thing he needs to do when she gets home is to tell her this and apologise. He's ruined her afternoon out, what more does he want?

tartanbow · 30/05/2020 15:46

noone has to do anything for someone elses pleasure if they dont want to. why would your dh insist on something he knows makes her feel uncomfortable? bloke needs to get over himself

Quartz2208 · 30/05/2020 15:47

You need to explain to him very clearly why he has behaved entirely inappropriately by trying to emotionally blackmail then spoil his daughters day

Generally a lovely man is not a good thing when this one thing is so controlling regarding his DD.

It will end up destroying her relationship with him - she is already scared about his reactions and teaching her that her role is to appease men by doing what makes them happy

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2020 15:47

Is your DH her dad?

Why didn't he ask her to take a selfie and send it to him? Why did he have to have that level of control of him taking the picture?

And why did he bring up 'everything he's done for her' in response to being told no? Does he do that every time someone says no to him?

Lots of questions about this one.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 30/05/2020 15:48

"DD went out in tears and DH is now all grumpy saying she's spoilt the day while she goes off to enjoy herself. "

No, he's spoilt his own day, hers and yours. Show him this thread.

mudpiemaker · 30/05/2020 15:48

This is not the first time she has refused to have her photo taken. As someone who doesn't have a lot of photos of my childhood because film was very expensive to develop, it is upsetting to see huge chunks of time pass by before I am in the next photo in the family album.

Ds2 doesn't particularly like his photo being taken but he understands that this moment, right this second, will never come again and it is nice to have photos of moments in time where we wanted to take a photo.

There are photos of myself that I dislike but they are just for our viewing as a family. I am not uploading them onto social media or sharing them with anyone, they are just for us. There are lots of photos of me in waterparks, not flattering at all, but at the time I was there I felt amazing, I was having a lot of fun and it reminds me of that time.

At 17, she needs to understand that maybe her Dad just wants to be able to look back at photos of her, before you know it she will be 18, possibly off to university and only home for holidays if that. It isn't creepy, he is just a Dad wanting a photo and being refused, again.

SecondStarFromTheRight · 30/05/2020 15:48

Why was the photo important to your husband?

WhenPushComesToShove · 30/05/2020 15:50

So your DH tried to impose his wishes on your daughter. According to him, her wishes did not supercede his desire to take her photo and he is now in a strop as a way of dealing with not managing to get what he wanted by over riding her wishes. Wow. - what a child!

ChicCroissant · 30/05/2020 15:51

He said some really unkind things

Is he her father? Because you say he's done this before and it is unclear why he would persist with this if he knows she doesn't like it.

lunar1 · 30/05/2020 15:52

Your poor daughter. He is the one that ruined her day.