Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 27/05/2020 18:47

I would never get a card each for someone when I'm in a couple. You get one card from both of us.

Why do you think your brother didn't put her name on the card?!

CurtainWitcher · 27/05/2020 18:48

Your her boyfriend's family, not hers.

Grow up.

formerbabe · 27/05/2020 18:48

Yabu.

I know no one who buys their sil birthday presents or cards.

Why are you bothering? She clearly doesn't want to

strugglingwithdeciding · 27/05/2020 18:48

Did your brother send one ?

Wagamamas · 27/05/2020 18:48

Yabu its not important

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/05/2020 18:49

Yanbu to be upset but she's made it clear she doesn't want to reciprocate, so in future you should make less effort for her. Did your brother get you something - is it likely that she considers it a joint gift?

Sparklesocks · 27/05/2020 18:49

Did you brother send one? If so, surely it was signed from both of them?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 27/05/2020 18:49

She probably thought your brother stuck her name on his card, like normal couples do.

Yabu.

Fairenuff · 27/05/2020 18:50

Surely the gift from your brother is from both of them?

PanamaPattie · 27/05/2020 18:50

Did your brother get you a card?

Shopgirl1 · 27/05/2020 18:50

I never get a card from my SIL

mbosnz · 27/05/2020 18:50

Just don't bother again. You obviously share different expectations around this kind of thing. If either she or your brother kick off because you didn't, respond in kind.

HailHydra · 27/05/2020 18:51

Did your brother get you one? She has no obligation at all

Strugglingtodomybest · 27/05/2020 18:51

I've never thought of buying my SIL a birthday card, my name just goes on the card DH buys her. Have I missed a memo somewhere?

Thescrewinthetuna · 27/05/2020 18:51

Stop buying her gifts. She hasn’t got you anything before so I don’t see why now would be different?

Ellisandra · 27/05/2020 18:52

She’s not a card person. You know that. I’m sure if you didn’t send her one, she wouldn’t care. It’s YOUR choice to foist a card in her. You can’t force the burden of reciprocity (I think that’s a Sheldon quotation?!). She says happy birthday to you in her own way - via social media. I’d say 99% of my friends do that - and we’re 50s. You’re annoyed over nothing!

MouthBreathingRage · 27/05/2020 18:53

Is this another reverse? Had so many recently....

DoesMaryNotDrive · 27/05/2020 18:53

Stop getting her cards and gifts, she's taking you for a mug.

Don't make a big deal of it, say nothing to your partner, just quietly stop.

What happens at Xmas?

DoesMaryNotDrive · 27/05/2020 18:54

Why would this be a reverse? Confused

YinuCeatleAyru · 27/05/2020 18:54

yabu I think. my siblings' spouses/partners only get a happy birthday from me on social media too, and that's all I expect from my spouse's siblings. we do give them a Christmas gift but disregard birthdays. if one of the these people decided to be all effusive and do more, then reciprocating would be problematic as there would be half a dozen other people I would have to do the same for to maintain parity and they would then be put in the same quandary with all their siblings in law too.

I don't think this is a relationship that warrants direct exchange of cards and gifts at birthdays. you should tone down what you do on her birthday to match what she is comfortable with.

ExtraOnions · 27/05/2020 18:54

I buy my SIL a card and present, but they have been together donkeys years, her family live abroad and our kids are the same age - she’s more of sister.... we have been through a lot !

It’s my best mates birthday today, and I’ve not sent her anything (other than a text), we are floating this celebration until life is back to normal.

Dyrne · 27/05/2020 18:55

As above - DP sends card, present etc to his sibling signed from both of us and I usually follow up on the day with a message via fb or WhatsApp. Surely that’s what most couples do?

Selfsettling3 · 27/05/2020 18:55

Did your brother not add her name to the card he sent you? Unless the menz arent expected to send cards.

Ellisandra · 27/05/2020 18:55

What did your brother get you?

AmayaBuzzbee · 27/05/2020 18:56

Did you get a present and a card from your brother? I would have thought these would have been joint with SIL if they have been together for a long time?

Perhaps she would prefer just ’happy birthday’ texts from you too, but doesn’t know how to communicate this without hurting your feelings? Yabu to keep buying her presents with the expectation of receiving presents back. Just send her texts from now on too.