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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
viccytwiffy · 29/05/2020 12:52

definately say something about it. next family gathering, next time you sit on a wall together for a casual chat... tell her after you have both laughed at something... 'oh, i was upset not to have gotten a message for my special birthday this year,...' - buying cards is traumatic for some of us, the ones who have never had a happy birthday.... - maybe ask her what her best b'day was and why... and recreate it for her next birthday... then she will love to celebrateyours..

Sn0tnose · 29/05/2020 13:13

As I said I’ve obviously just been brought up differently. Including everyone I know personally, my friends and their family’s and my partners family Which is fine, even if your way of doing things is pretty weird. But if she’s been brought up differently, then why does it need to be her that adapts to your way of doing things? Why is her not getting you a card any ruder than you continuing to send her cards when she doesn’t want to exchange them?

namechangedasscared · 29/05/2020 13:35

Personally I think it’s funny that the OP said she finds it rude that people don’t give a card/gift back if she’s given one - but then her next post she said that she doesn’t give the card/gift with the expectation of one back!

Which is it OP? And it’s it’s the latter, why go to the trouble of even writing this post in the first place?

I find it hard to believe this is really how you do things - are you really saying at Christmas every couple you know receives FOUR cards (and presents?) from your household, and that you get 4 back too (because you said all your friends and their families do it too)? In case anyone questions why 4 - 1 from you to friend, 1 from you to friends partner, 1 from your DH to your friend, 1 from your DH to your friends partner. If that’s correct and you really do that, it’s a massive waste of resources for the planet, it must take you a huge amount of time and effort, it must cost a fortune and it must be hard to find something meaningful and not just a present for the sake of buying something.

If you genuinely do this, you’d be far better buying 1 gift per recipient from the both of you for the combined budget (eg £20 if you usually spend £10 each) and getting something a little nicer rather than a token gift that ends up in the bin. Or go one step further and buy a couple gift for £40!

Some people have more money than sense though and this situation, if real, is an example of that.

Changedname1468 · 29/05/2020 13:51

Wait, you said you got her a card and thoughtful gift, BUT did your DH also get her a card/ gift for her birthday or was your card and gift the only acknowledgment she received from your household?

Fedhimtotigers · 29/05/2020 15:00

@viccytwiffy if someone tried that with me I'd just say I don't do cards outside of my family and think they were a right weirdo.
Upset at a SIL not getting you a card. Ridiculous.

G5000 · 29/05/2020 15:06

are you really saying at Christmas every couple you know receives FOUR cards (and presents?) from your household

I can't even imagine. I don't do cards, even sending everybody you know 'Dear Smith family, Merry Xmas, from Jones family' is a lot of effort. Replace this with:
Dear Jane, Merry Xmas, Karen.
Dear John, Merry Xmas, Karen.
Dear Jane, Merry Xmas, Mark.
Dear John, Merry Xmas, Mark.

Do you also send all children separate cards from both of you? Do you run a greeting card company?

Dipi79 · 29/05/2020 15:11

YABU to expect one in return. Some people just don't do cards or presents.

OchonAgusOchonO · 29/05/2020 15:27

@jennywithaj - I always buy something separately for people as then it’s a personal gift from me, I like being thoughtful. As I said I was obviously just brought up differently.

It's not actually thoughtful if it's given with the expectation of reciprocity. If you want to give fine, the give. But it's not reasonable to expect the same back or to judge (which you are doing) if they don't.

Personally, I would think it a bit unusual to receive separately from a brother's girlfriend. If it's a very long term relationship, it's a bit odd he didn't include her name. If it's a shorter term relationship, then it seems a bit ott to exchange gifts.

You say you're not into gifts so surely her wishing you a happy birthday on sm is sufficient? I put no value on cards. I put them on the mantle for day or two and then straight into the bin. Maybe she feels the same way?

4Smalls · 29/05/2020 15:49

YABU.

4Smalls · 29/05/2020 16:00

Do you run a greeting card company?

Lol! Grin

Devora13 · 29/05/2020 17:33

You're right, different people are brought up differently, see things differently, have different expectations. If you give expecting to receive in return, you're settling yourself up for disappointment. If it matters that much, stop doing it. In a way, I think she's probably quite brave, being true to herself instead of getting into that I-must-buy-for-them-because-they-buy-for-me merry go round.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 29/05/2020 20:11

it’s just the thought that counts to me. I’m not going to treat her any differently but I won’t be going out of my way to buy her something nice again. Sooooo it's the thought that counts unless you're not going to receive a present? So it's actually the receiving that counts not the thought.

Also you're making out like everyone who wasn't brought up like you is rude, which is rude in itself as you clearly think you're better than people who dare to do things differently. And it's ruder still to only give presents with the expectation that you will receive one.

SomeBunnyovertheRainbow · 29/05/2020 22:31

Just because there’s a pandemic doesn’t mean you can’t buy a card easy enough

I’ve sent a few Moonpig cards during lockdown

itsanotherdayinparadise · 29/05/2020 23:38

I agree about the difficulty buying cards. I wouldn't go to the shop to buy just that. It isn't essential. In the very short time I have spent in small shops, I won't stop to browse. Some small shops have admitted there isn't a lot in stock, and some suppliers have stopped.
Yes. Moonpig is operating now, but it wasn't for the first 5/6 weeks of lockdown. Things slowly improving now. But i would totally be understanding of someone struggling to buy a card

SomeBunnyovertheRainbow · 30/05/2020 06:56

I’m not saying people should buy a card but I think the current circumstances would be an excuse for some people. I’ve used moonpig before and I can still use it now, and they also have cards in my supermarket and post office, so I won’t use covid 19 as an excuse not to send a card. I also wouldn’t go to the supermarket for “just that” as I plan ahead and would pick it up on one of my planned shops.

I actually think right now, when many people are isolated at home, can’t get together to do what they’d normally do for a birthday, it’s more important to do something nice (if you can) like send a card or some flowers.

trixiebelden77 · 30/05/2020 08:08

Everyone you know buys separate presents from each half of the married couple for everyone in their lives?

Liar.

mam0918 · 02/06/2020 17:51

I dont get the point of cards

Im a huge gift giver (think im wierd because bar my mom no one else I know seems gift inclind) and love buying things

I am also a horder of sentimental tat but I just cant grasp the point of cards

I have a book case full of them (from the last 12 years) and they are useless but I feel obligated to keep them (unless my toddler get one and rips it or spills something on it then it 1 down 1000000 to go)

I also dont know when my ex-sil, my current sil or my brothers ex girlfriends birthdays even are - unless they invited me to something I wouldnt know and if they did I still wouldnt take something, it kind of feels odd once you get to adulthood to be taking a 99p card and box of malteasers to the pub lol

mam0918 · 02/06/2020 17:58

also whats rude is 'giving to recieve'...

I often buy friends and family things (obviously xmas and birthdays but also just if I see something they would like) and virtually non of my friends have ever bought me anything back (and obviously after the first time or two I knew this but carried on) but I didnt do it thinking about 'what do I get out of this' I did it because I thought 'they might like this and I care about them'

to do stuff just to get a return is a very greedy way to live.

blueluce85 · 02/06/2020 18:17

Maybe SIL doesn't like card giving at all, maybe she wants to save the planet one card at a time. The fact that she is posting on fb a happy birthday is a sign she has remembered and wants to wish you a happy birthday, that should be enough

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