Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 27/05/2020 20:46

So, would your husband send your brother a special personal card to show he cares?

ArchieStar · 27/05/2020 20:46

Another one saying it’s weird to receive different presents from the same people... do you do that to your kids? I would be baffled if I got a card or present from my DB and then another from DSIL.

unlikelytobe · 27/05/2020 20:47

It's not 'rude'. Just take the hint and stop sending her cards - she doesn't want to engage. It's insincere if people are only sending cards because someone sends them one - that's just a circle of obligation/duty/peer pressure.

FlamingoAndJohn · 27/05/2020 20:48

I don’t know when the birthday of any of my brothers and sisters in law are. Even if I did I don’t know if I’d send more than a card and then it would be from DH and me.

Jessicabrassica · 27/05/2020 20:48

Dh does his mum, dB and sil. I do my family. Dh mostly doesn't bother so I tend to do niece and nephews on his side because they're kids and I feel they should get something. It would never occur to me to send separate gifts to the same person so I also think yabu

wishfull888 · 27/05/2020 20:49

I've had this for years, my brother & sister in law don't bother at all for my DH or my own bday. Or our kids. No text, social media..... nada. They must hate us or think we don't age. So we've stopped reciprocating with even a card. I still send the kids stuff as it's not their fault their parents are damn rude!

NoHardSell · 27/05/2020 20:50

That's the weirdest present giving tradition ever. Where on earth did that come from? Your poor sil. She mustn't know what to make of it. Has noone (your partner for instance?!) Ever questioned why you buy two presents - one from your partner and one from you?? There can't be more than one family where that's normal, surely?

JamieLeeCurtains · 27/05/2020 20:53

I imagine a lot of people don't have the time for your delightful level of thoughtfulness, OP.

Oh well.

saraclara · 27/05/2020 20:53

I have never, ever, in all my 64 years of life, come across a couple who send separate cards and presents. That's just bizarre. I'm not one of these people who think being a couple turns you into one being, like a few MNers seem to. But when it comes to cards and gifts, they're always sent (and always received by me) as/from a couple.

You're the one out of step, OP. Not your SIL.

SneakersandSocks · 27/05/2020 20:55

Sorry OP but I think you are being abit over sensitive. If your relationship is otherwise good then I wouldn’t read into it.
Most of my siblings and I don’t send cards anymore, we just send a text or call to say Happy Birthday. It’s just easier, honestly don’t care about cards, the only person I would be abit upset about not getting a card from is my Mum.

SandyY2K · 27/05/2020 20:57

I don't think it's rude of your brother not to put her name on the card. If she was interested in getting you a card, she would have. Some people just don't do cards.

I think it's strange that you and your DH buy separate gifts for his sister and brother in laws. DH and I do it jointly.

I'd stop buying her cards if I was you. Just a text will do from now on.

sexbearhouse · 27/05/2020 20:57

@jennywithaj

**Do you and your husband buy his sister's separate presents?? Like, one from you and one from him? That's bonkers 😂

Yes we do and he does the same for my family. My brother buys for him and he buys for my brother I honestly just thought that was normal. My family and his and clearly just aliens 🙃

I am finding this very hard to believe Grin
legalseagull · 27/05/2020 20:57

Another one thinking this is really weird. One present and card with both your names. Odd not to consider yourself a family unit like that. Also, this must be expensive getting two presents for everyone??

DDiva · 27/05/2020 20:57

That just sounds alot of work 2 cards and 2 presents for each birthday! We always send cards and presents as a couple.

Oddly my husbands mum and dad always send individual cards to him on his birthday, plus one from the cat ! Thankfully I just get 1 .....

Original poster
jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 20:58

**That's the weirdest present giving tradition ever. Where on earth did that come from? Your poor sil. She mustn't know what to make of it. Has noone (your partner for instance?!) Ever questioned why you buy two presents - one from your partner and one from you?? There can't be more than one family where that's normal, surely?

It’s normal in my family and my husbands. I am close to my brothers girlfriend. To me it’s just common courtesy so not even buying a card to acknowledge someone’s birthday I find rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 21:01

@DDiva My aunt always sends a separate one from her cat 😂🙃

I would just never dream of not buying someone at least a card if they’ve sent me cards and presents.

OP posts:
tempnamechange25 · 27/05/2020 21:02

It was my birthday today. I didn't even get a text from any of dh family. My daughter didn't either a few weeks back. Yet mil went ballistic because in lockdown when it first started (25th March) I only managed to send a card from us.

Can all fuck off now.

Don't do it again

TheTrollFairy · 27/05/2020 21:03

That’s crazy!
Do you also all buy separate gifts for kids in the family? Including your own if you have them?

My DPs family don’t get gifts for anyone, so he doesn’t get his sisters or parents anything and they don’t get him anything (which I do find odd) but your family are on the opposite end of this extreme

thecatsthecats · 27/05/2020 21:03

Jesus Christ, I want to stamp this out in YOUR family just in case it remotely comes near mine. No, no, NO!

It may be nice and lovely for you OP, but for the rest of us is sounds effing mental - like hell do I want to get involved with buying individual gifts for my BIL, and I'm sure the feeling is reciprocated.

Purpleartichoke · 27/05/2020 21:04

This is the first time I have ever heard of a couple sending two gifts to a person.

Crossfitwidow · 27/05/2020 21:04

I’d make a point of never buying her anything ever again. I’d be really petty about it too, when they eventually get married just give him a card and a present.

BaileyBailu · 27/05/2020 21:05

Is being obsessed with cards an English thing? They seem so useless and wasteful. Also I'd never get a present for an in-law, just my own family. Get over it.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/05/2020 21:05

Your expectations are way out of line with most people's. The present and card was from them as a couple. It wouldn't occur to most people that you'd expect a separate one from each!

villamariavintrapp · 27/05/2020 21:10

Yes I would assume that she thinks the present from your brother should be from both of them. As that is what everyone else would do. What a coincidence that your family and your husband's family are both so very weird about presents though, what are the chances?!

Purpleartichoke · 27/05/2020 21:10

I also have to wonder if this double present giving is just adding to the workload of the women. I am in charge of almost all gifts coming out of my household, not because of sexism, but because of my Dh’s particular personality. He covers other tasks for me in exchange. This was specifically negotiated because we try really hard not to fall into these sexist work division traps. However, I know in many couple’s gift giving is viewed as women’s work and that would result in most of them having to select and wrap 2
Gifts instead of 1.