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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Aridane · 28/05/2020 19:25

Your brother was rude not to include her name

MamafromOz · 28/05/2020 19:32

Omg I don’t get this obsession over cards. I think it is a british thing. My MIL is really high maintenance over cards. I have gotten slammed a few times for not sending separate cards and Hubbie has been told off for not getting a good enough card. I am Aussie and no one I know really sends cards. I find it quite materialistic and entitled to make such a big deal over it

cakewench · 28/05/2020 19:32

Wait so.. your DH buys cards and presents for your family separate from the cards and presents you also send to your family? And vice versa? Everyone on both sides is getting two gifts and two cards from you as a couple?

Barney60 · 28/05/2020 20:44

id be upset too, I keep my family cards, got loads, but some folks just dont bother much, let it go and dont send her any more.

Vexed80 · 28/05/2020 20:46

@jennywithaj

So for everyone saying it’s unreasonable... If someone brought you a present or card you wouldn’t do the same for them?

I find that rude!

It’s not me being petty or ott it’s just the thought that counts to me. I’m not going to treat her any differently but I won’t be going out of my way to buy her something nice again.

Why bother doing an AIBU if you're not prepared to accept the results? Its pretty clear from the responses that you're the only person on the planet that finds it rude. Just because you think it's rude doesn't make it true. I think you're being OTT and petty but according to you, you're not 🤷 If I was BIL's gf I'd be running and fast!!
Localocal · 28/05/2020 21:04

Some people are not card people. She is not obliged to send you a card just because you choose to send her one. If you are only sending her a card in the expectation of getting one back from her then it's hardly the kindness you believe it is.

Plus, as others have said, anything your brother gives/sends you is from both of them, whether he remembers to write her name on it or not. She probably doesn't know he doesn't sign from her too.

Let it go.

beautifulxdisasters · 28/05/2020 21:05

OP if I was your SIL I'd be baffled to find out that your DB wouldn't sign my name on your birthday card/present. Your family's way of doing things is very, very strange.

Does your DH get your SIL a present?

MojoPin · 28/05/2020 21:13

Let's all say it together:

BAT. SHIT.

GoodEnough1 · 28/05/2020 21:33

Yes your brother should be getting a card and gift from the two of them. YANBU but keep being nice, your values are the most important to hang on to

2fingers22018 · 28/05/2020 21:50

Shes a tight arse simple as

zscaler · 28/05/2020 21:55

The thought of my husband and I each having to her every member of our family independent gifts instead of joint gifts is what nightmares are made of. Can you imagine the stress and expense!

OP, why don’t you use this as an opportunity to get your whole family to rein in the gift insanity and switch to couples giving presents jointly? Not only will it bring you in line with 99% of the population of this country, it will save you all an inordinate amount of time, money and emotional energy.

Bubbletrouble43 · 28/05/2020 21:59

Yabu unless you are 11 or under.

BelfryBat · 28/05/2020 22:02

Your SIL is probably driven nuts by the fact that you won't leave her alone. I think you should take the hint.

RoseGoldCloud · 28/05/2020 22:21

Yabvu

dusky777 · 28/05/2020 22:31

Yabu I buy one present and one card signs from both of us. Now we have kids it's just cards for the adults unless a special birthday.

Incrediblytired · 28/05/2020 22:50

This is complete madness.
Have you people got money to burn? There is no way hubby and I would both purchase a gift and card for everyone. The etiquette is to send a joint one...you are saying you’ve been bought up differently but that doesn’t mean you are right. This poor woman has followed the normal etiquette - in which your idiot brother has failed to fill her in.

To be honest if I was just dating someone and their sister started sending me cards I’d find it over the top.

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2020 23:17

I have never, ever heard of this before!

Presents are always from a couple, never individually.

I did very occasionally, receive cards from my parents separately (we're talking nearly 50 years ago, but that just may have been for 18th and 21st. I have no idea why.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 28/05/2020 23:28

Sorry OP I’m with the majority here, as far as I’m concerned all gifts are given FROM a couple/family TO an individual. So at Xmas we get a gift each for my DSis, DBIL, DN x 2 - 4 gifts, 4 cards, with all our family names in. This, as far as I am aware, is normal.

The only exception might be if you are giving something very personal - so if DD does a picture mug for her Grandma, for example, or if something related to a particular conversation you’d had.

Your SIL probably thinks her DP has been writing her name in cards and gift tags for as long as they’ve been together, just as she has written his name on gifts to her own family!

Mrstross · 29/05/2020 08:57

I never get cards from my brother in law and his wife, never have. BIL used to get hubby a birthday gift. I did stop getting them cards for a while as tbh it felt pretty shitty being ignored, but now I do send cards from
Our kids. I’d knock the gifts on the head though.

mary1066 · 29/05/2020 09:33

I like your attitudes, Jenny. I do understand why you are upset. You seem to me generous, kind, thoughtful, polite, pleasant and a warm person. If I were you, I'd keep most of these characteristics for those who appreciate them and I'd be just civil to your brother's girlfriend. After all, just as you can't be like your brother's girlfriend, she can't be like you. Just send her similar birthday messages as she sends you and leave it at that.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 29/05/2020 09:38

Sounds like you didn’t really come on here to get a read on whether you or she were being unreasonable as it’s pretty clear from the responses that the norm would be a card from the couple not from each member of the couple (which I’ve never heard of ). Just tell your brother to put her on his card next year job done. I assume you and your other half don’t sent your SIL a separate card each for her birthday? If so that’s bonkers sorry!

mary1066 · 29/05/2020 09:41

By the way, one card from a couple is the norm. Your brother can easily stick his girlfriends name on the card, with her permission, of course! It would be polite for her to sign her own name herself on the card though as she gets a signed one from you, and a present too. Hopefully, you'll stop sending her a present! I wouldn't.

Aglet · 29/05/2020 10:08

Of course her brother didn't get her a card. Men abdicate responsibility for all that stuff when they find a partner. It then becomes her responsibility to remember every member of the family's special occasions.

Mother1989 · 29/05/2020 10:27

I agree, I think she would assume your brother had wrote her name on the card too. That's what most people do.

threestars · 29/05/2020 11:29

It's lockdown. Card shops are closed. Only place to buy them is the supermarket. If I forgot to pick one up on my weekly shop, I wouldn't go through all that rigmarole of queuing, one way/social distancing, queuing again just for a card.
There's a pandemic, people are dying and you're pissed off about a card?