Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fatherhood is 'tedious'

220 replies

yadayadayadablah · 23/05/2020 22:16

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 25/05/2020 05:27

Well I think it's ridiculous that the OPs DH is expected to lie to his friend just because the OP doesn't like him. What's the point of a friendship?!

Imagine for a moment of a woman came on her, her husband had snooped through her phone and was angry because she's confessed to a friend that she was finding motherhood tedious. How many of you would be telling her she should have lied to her friend because her DH didn't like her?

mathanxiety · 25/05/2020 06:30

Are all the 'furious' pp saying they've never said anything negative about their partners to friends or family? Because some of the reactions here are absolutely mind boggling!!!

Six weeks post partum is not the time to whine about the life change that your wife has put the best part of a year into producing, topped by the painful effort of childbirth. It's throwing all that back in her face in a most insulting and entitled fashion. The baby wasn't born for his entertainment.

The correct answer to your loser friend's question about fatherhood is that is it so much more tiring than you thought it would be, but you are trying hard to support your wife who has been through so much as you both learn the ropes.

Not, 'It's tedious', which is what you would expect of a 14 year old.

onlinelinda · 25/05/2020 06:37

I think I'd be more bothered by him
letting this go:

This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.

EdwinaMay · 25/05/2020 06:41

The OP has gone through 9 months of tedious pregnancy, a tedious birth, is probably up at night tediously feeding the new baby and tediously exhausted and it's ok for the poor licko husband to whinge - WRONG.

KatherineJaneway · 25/05/2020 06:58

"Eavesdropping's sort of thrilling 'cause you learn what people really think, but eavesdropping makes you miserable for exactly the same reason"

Shoxfordian · 25/05/2020 07:09

Your dp shouldn't just put up with his friend being rude about you, he isn't standing up for you as he should.

I don't agree with you going through his phone and you seriously overreacted here. I wouldn't be happy about my husband reading my messages.

lovepickledlimes · 25/05/2020 07:32

@GlummyMcGlummerson this is not just a friend OP dislikes the lifestyle choices of this is an friend that sends games to the husband with messeages such as ''let's get the old times back' and 'in hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'. this friend is openly hostile towards the relationship and wants them to break up. He literally went to the guy that wants to see this relationship fail and said his life is shit right now.

Baboomtsk · 25/05/2020 08:43

@EdwinaMay it's not a competition, everyone's entitled to express their feelings. Even if they happen to have testicles.

choli · 25/05/2020 09:24

The baby wasn't born for his entertainment.
So why all the outrage that he was honest about finding parenting tedious?

Alsohuman · 25/05/2020 09:32

He literally went to the guy that wants to see this relationship fail and said his life is shit right now

No, he literally responded to a question about how he was finding fatherhood that it was tedious. Which I imagine it is.

EmbarrassedUser · 25/05/2020 09:52

Don’t look at his messages again. Imagine if this was a man posting this! Bloody hell, he’d get ripped to shreds on here. And for what it’s worth, looking after a 6 week old it tedious, boring, tiring, monotonous and a real slog. Every now and again you get the ‘aaah, cute’ moments and then they’ve pooped themselves or want feeding. At 2.39am, for the 4th time. Sounds great...Hmm

mathanxiety · 25/05/2020 10:10

The outrage is because he clearly expected some form of entertainment, or feels entitled to some form of entertainment. If he had prepared himself for this momentous time in his life he would have had some sort of understanding that 'tedious' though it may be for him, it is exhausting and never ending effort for his wife who is also trying to recover from childbirth, so he had better suck up his self pity and lean into supporting her.

But no. God forbid that some brave man should be expected to grow up and do anything besides 'honesty'.

mathanxiety · 25/05/2020 10:14

If the messages sent by the 'friend' were texted by a female 'friend' of the H's, not a single person on this thread would be bleating about the husband's brave 'honesty' or his right to his feelings.

This entire incident would be seen for what it is - an attempt to stick a wedge between the OP and her weak, useless husband.

The failure of the husband to stick up for his relationship or the OP would be seen for what is is too.

mathanxiety · 25/05/2020 10:16

Actually, I take that back. Judging by the calibre of many of the posts here, I suspect may women would keep right on bleating about the husband's 'honesty'.

Jashartsh · 25/05/2020 10:21

Six weeks post partum is not the time to whine about the life change that your wife has put the best part of a year into producing, topped by the painful effort of childbirth. It's throwing all that back in her face in a most insulting and entitled fashion. The baby wasn't born for his entertainment

The correct answer to your loser friend's question about fatherhood is that is it so much more tiring than you thought it would be, but you are trying hard to support your wife who has been through so much as you both learn the ropes

I agree. He might find it ‘tedious’ but I’d never speak about a partner or parenthood in general like that, even if it was to a friend in a supposedly private capacity.
I don’t know any new parent who would simply reply ‘tedious’ when asked how they were finding having a new baby. It’s normally ‘oh it’s very tiring but it’s worth it’ before gushing about how gorgeous and loved the baby is.
A simple negative one word response and an eyeroll emoji? I’d be upset that that was all my partner had to say on the matter

Macncheeseballs · 25/05/2020 10:40

The Dh is a cock as is his mate

lovepickledlimes · 25/05/2020 11:18

@EmbarrassedUser again the issue is not so much what he said but who he said it to. I am all for honesty about parenthood but if it is a friend that sends gifts and messages like his friend and then complain you are not happy is throwing their life under the bus

lovepickledlimes · 25/05/2020 11:21

@Alsohuman so you think sending a friend gifts with attached messages such as let's get the old times back' and 'in hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self' not as wanting to see the relationship fail? tbh the more I think about the more DH comes across like a twat for letting his friend behave this way and not set any boundaries

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/05/2020 11:43

To play devils advocate I'm not sure she snooped through his whole phone - just the messages to the friend. Not ideal but not divorce grounds either! There's also the background of him staying mates with this toxic misogynist and her cheating ex.

So I think a few days to calm down, she should probably apologise for the snooping itself, and they should have a conversation about how they both really feel. Is he happy being a dad? Or is he acting in general like he doesn't want to be there? Can they do anything together to be more the people they were and not 'just' parents of a young baby? Not wanting h to give up every scrap of fun and sex may seem immature to some of you but I certainly understand.

Maybe he's not involved enough to enjoy his baby? Maybe if he was she would have more time to be more her and they would have more fun together? Maybe he tries and isn't 'doing it right'? So doesn't try?

But if she calls his bluff on the divorce and starts a serious conversation assuming it's what he wants will he actually want to do that or was it just a fit of temper? If so he should apologise too because threatening divorce every time you don't like something is a dick move.

Vodkacranberryplease · 25/05/2020 11:46

As for the mate - pointless talking about him. If they focus on being happy gradually he will fade away. Hubby's probably a bit embarrassed to be caught out pandering to him. I don't understand why men will be each other's bitches without question but will fiercely resist being 'controlled' by women. They are far more controlled by their mates especially the toxic ones 🙄🙄🙄

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.