Fatherhood is 'tedious'

[yadayadayadablah]

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

As most pp are saying parenting a new born is tedious, it’s bloody hard work.

Taking his phone, snooping and then getting all dramatic and accusing him of thinking you were tedious when he said no such thing is bang out of line. I can see why he’s pissed off.

I think you owe him an apology.

If you want to repair this, you need to let go of your indignation, acknowledge that parenthood in relation to a newborn is indeed tedious, and do some serious apologising to your husband.

I found motherhood teedious at the start (along with many other emotions), and told my friends so when they asked how I was doing. My friends are my safe space, we can be honest with eachother, and sometimes that is stuff that is negative towards DH. If he read my messages I would be furious, not because I have anything to hide, but because it's such a breach of trust. He has been over dramatic in proclaiming he wants a divorce so I don't think either of you come out smelling of roses.

Maybe it is my relationship with my husband- but neither of us would have an issue with reading each other's texts. That aside - it does seem to have escalated hugely. Those first 6 weeks are completely exhausting. I think you need to speak urgently and decide whether you have a relationship going forwards

Oh my god.. Cannot believe a poster has suggested the op apologise, get dressed up in new underwear and have sex.. She's just had a baby ffs, jog on.

Anyway, op you shouldn't have looked at his messages unless you had real reason to. I can see why you're upset at what you found though. Also why is he jumping straight to divorce?? Do you think he's happy with you?

Op start a new thread in relationships if you want want help

They are probably both exhausted. Babies are a lot of work!

You were bang out of order to look at his messages.

And parenting can be tedious. I bloody love my kids but I often vent to my best friend (as does she about her two) about how hard/shit it can be some days. It doesn't mean anything, I just need to offload. Wait until your kid is older. I'm sure you'll be offloading to your mates about something your kid has done.

I’m on your side OP. To describe fatherhood in one word like that is unforgivable.

How can you trust your spouse/partner if they are going to pull the divorce card every time you have a row?

This. He needs to drop that. New babies are exhausting. Please both try to calm down and help each other.

I have to say I do understand why this would be a hurtful comment to read. obviously you already know you shouldnt of gone through his messages but my partner would never describe looking after our young baby as tedious. tiring? sure, but I dont think I would describe parenting as tedious and, happily, neither would my husband.

I would let it go though personally and put it down to him letting off steam to a mate. although not a word I would of used, if that's the worst you saw on his phone I dont think it's worth breaking up over.

To describe fatherhood in one word like that is unforgivable

He was messaging his friend, who quite frankly was probably asking to be polite and doesn't actually give a crap about how he is finding it. Was he supposed to reel off some long spiel about it?

I don’t remember thinking by 6 week old was tedious, neither does my DH, tiring yes but not tedious.
The OP's DH didn't say their 6-week old was tedious though. He was referring to fatherhood being tedious. There is a difference.

Perhaps if the OP reads his messages this isn’t quite the ‘zero straight to threatening divorce’ reaction it appears. This could be more like the final straw.

And of course parenting is tedious at times.

I agree about not looking at his messages - tbh I don’t think anyone is going to see what they want if they do that. But I would have been hurt to see him say that too. If he’d said ‘tedious but DC is still awesome’ or something if would have taken the sting out of it.

I also get that it’s WHO he was messaging that is the root of it. You know this is someone who has been consistently negative about your DPs life choices and as those life choices basically mean you and your child, that’s bound to upset you!!

The fact that he has confided this to a man, who has not an ounce of respect for you will have been deeply hurtful. Tbh I think this is far worse than snooping on his phone.

Your husband now demanding a divorce is a low blow and I expect is feeding into any insecurities you may have on why he has remained friends with a man, who has been so disrespectful of you. I’ve been there btw with a group of my husband’s friend. Maintaining this sort of relationship is hugely damaging to a marriage imo. My husband had exactly the same reaction when I finally stood up to his friends and the entire group had to go... not that they were ever as direct. They enjoyed slagging me off amongst themselves and to other people apparently - I only heard this after taking my stand.

For some reason, my husband seems to attract friends, who have more issues than he. Do be aware certain men never grow up. We stayed married and went on to have a child. I cannot tell you it is all plain sailing.

What is wrong with most of the posters on here? The OP shouldn't have to apologise, it is deeply hurtful that he called being a father 'tedious'. That is very offensive. No real father would say such a thing, even if they thought it. When most men that I know are asked about fatherhood, they might say 'oh there is a lack of sleep, but I wouldn't have it any other way'/'He/she is gorgeous, it's fantastic'/'sleep deprived but am loving being a father' etc etc.

The very fact that his friend is vile, hateful and nasty to his wife and HE just....lets him get away with speaking about his wife and mother of his child like that is disturbing on it's own. But that he FEEDS INTO IT by using words like tedious instead of talking up how great it is as he knows how negative his friend his. His friend according to DH has a mental illness so what does he do? He is encouraging his friend to think bad of their marriage. Whereas you'd think DH would go out of his way to reassure the friend that he is happy being a father and married man. DH is egging the friend on. If he was any sort of father and husband he would not engage with this 'friend' who speaks so viciously about his wife and mother of his child.

People who go straight to attacking OP for looking at his messages are completely missing the point imo and victim-blaming. The OP is being disrespected by her own husband. He is friends with someone who hates his wife and talks viciously about her (OP should show him these lyrics: When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For a good thing he's found
If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong

Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

Instead of shutting his friend down every time his friend runs her down, he stays friends with him and eggs him on. Maybe if her 'D'H acted like a gentleman and didn't encourage his friend to disrespect his wife and mother of his child and shut it down every time, she wouldn't have felt emotionally vulnerable and threatened and needed to look at his messages. Huh? Anyone think of that?

OP, your 'D'H sounds like an arsehole and a waste of space, unless he[ apologises to you and ends his friendship I'd give him the divorce he so readily asked for (seems he was a bit too eager to ask for it so obviously he isn't happy/values his marriage to you), you'd be doing yourself a favour. He is no real man at all.

That is very offensive. No real father would say such a thing, even if they thought it. When most men that I know are asked about fatherhood, they might say 'oh there is a lack of sleep, but I wouldn't have it any other way'/'He/she is gorgeous, it's fantastic'/'sleep deprived but am loving being a father' etc etc.

They do you know and I have and I am most certainly a "real father" and have been for 18 years. My wife has certainly said to me in the past that it's tedious and she is most certainly a "real mother".

I love my boys unconditionally and at the points we have said it's tedious is because it has been. It's graft and all parents know that.

No real father would say such a thing, even if they thought it.

So no one is allowed to confide in their friends how they really feel? That doesn't sound very healthy. It was probably a flippant comment, I feel it's a bit dramatic to say no real father would say that, some people need to get out more (socially distanced of course).

You’re absolutely correct, Timekeeper. It would be so much better for OP and her husband, in their sleep deprived condition, to divorce, based on an argument over a text. I’m certain OP will be much happier as a single parent.

I believe OP posted that her husband doesn’t see this “friend” often.

I certainly don’t find parenting tedious, and definitely not during that wonderful newborn phase where you are blown away by love and the miracle of life. Neither did DH.

I would be very upset if this was what he was relating to his friend.

But then his friend sounds like a toxic bellend and I wouldn’t want my husband speaking to someone who was basically encouraging him to dump me.

@Timekeeper1

Fully agree with you. Sometimes this site is like a parallel universe

What is wrong with most of the posters on here? The OP shouldn't have to apologise, it is deeply hurtful that he called being a father 'tedious'. That is very offensive. No real father would say such a thing, even if they thought it

So that presumably means half the female posters on MN are not real mothers? Or hadn't you noticed something about this website? There's an awful lot of blowing of steam here and NOBODY tells people they are bad parents for saying far worse things than the OPs dh.

You need to apologise for looking through his phone. However, I understand your frustration that your DH hasn't defended you against his friends criticisms. While parenting can be tedious and worse at times, this is not the guy to open up the negativity to. It will only corroborate this guy's image of you as the mean wife and that is not fair, I would expect more loyalty from a spouse.

I have a similar issue with one of DH's friends and that is bloody tedious.

If the friend says you’re poisoning your husband against them, it would be wise to not gossip about their employment history, read a partner’s texts on a whim them twist what was a private comment about the tedious nature of fatherhood as some kind of an insult towards you, insinuating you’re tedious in what was essentially a stroppy type manner.

That kind of behaviour can make you seem poisonous, if it’s part of an overall pattern of insecure / jealous / snooping type behaviour. If he went straight for divorce over you being upset, it may be because he’s exasperated by your behaviour in general ? Could it be that ?