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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fatherhood is 'tedious'

220 replies

yadayadayadablah · 23/05/2020 22:16

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

OP posts:
geekone · 23/05/2020 22:32

I don’t remember thinking by 6 week old was tedious, neither does my DH, tiring yes but not tedious. Yes you probably shouldn’t have been snooping. But I would be disappointed to find out my DH thought our only child was tedious.
If my DH immediately jumped to divorce though I would find myself agreeing. It’s an over reaction, of that is what he wants leave him to weed and Xbox.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2020 22:32

I'm thinking this isn't the first time you've not trusted him, perhaps without cause, and he's fed up with it.

Original poster
yadayadayadablah · 23/05/2020 22:32

No drip feed, I've read enough MN posts to know you might as well go all in if you're going to explain a situation on here.
I guess I'm this friend causing me of 'changing' my husband has bothered me for some time. Maybe I'm angry that my husband has never corrected this friend on that score and has just said the friend has issues and not to rock the boat.

OP posts:
SunbathingDragon · 23/05/2020 22:33

I’m another one who agrees parenting can be tedious, especially a newborn and even more I would imagine during a lockdown.

I think you need to calm down and have a rational discussion with your husband tomorrow. It might be that he feels he doesn’t trust you because you felt the need to go through his messages and that the marriage is over for him now but better for the two of you to have that discussion in as calm a manner as possible.

Hopefully things will look better in the morning.

GenevaL · 23/05/2020 22:34

I agree with him that small babies are pretty tedious. It sounds like you are worried his friend is a bad influence who will make him have doubts about whether he really wants his current life, but I don’t blame you if this friend is saying you’re poisoning him. The main worry is why he mentioned divorce after you looked at his messages. That’s one hell of a reaction - did you know he’d be so furious to have his phone looked at? Does he usually guard it?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/05/2020 22:35

I'm surprised everyone thinks you're in the wrong. In my opinion his friend has been nasty about you, and it doesn't sound like he has done much to change his way of thinking that you've 'trapped' him.

If one of my friends made comments like that about my husband I'd be saying either we don't talk about our relationships since we can't agree, or putting them right. Not encouraging him by pointing out the bad parts of my relationship.

Yes everyone is entitled to moan and everyone has niggles about their home life or their partner that its good to get off their chest. But to actively do that with someone who is hostile to your partner and nasty about your home life, is just adding fuel to the flames and almost joining in with it and encouraging it.

Yes maybe you shouldn't have looked at his phone. But if my partner looked at my phone I would be upset and pissed off and ask him what I'd done to make him not trust me. Immediately asking for a divorce seems very odd to me.

Herpesfreesince03 · 23/05/2020 22:38

I actually agree with you op. I know for a fact that if any of my partners mates had said that I’d turned them against them, or poisoned him simply for loving and starting a family with him, there’d be hell to pay. He’s cut one of his best mates out of his life because he didn’t want to attend his ridiculous stag do in Amsterdam, and his mate tried to blame me when I was actually encouraging him to go. As for the baby thing, describing it as tedious is shit. It IS hard work, it IS exhausting, and yes it can be boring. But it’s all worth it, which I’d have expected him to say (or something similar). I’d have been upset if someone had asked my oh how fatherhood was and he simply replied ‘tedious’.

geekone · 23/05/2020 22:39

There is a really big part of me that wonders if people even know what tedious actually means? It’s not a long boring journey, everyday with a baby is different. It’s not always great but it certainly isn’t boring.

That whole get me. Also o could t entertain a friend who thought I changed my DH. Stupid patriarchal bullshit. Again looking at the phone doesn’t shine you in glory but maybe this has been coming all along.

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2020 22:39

But I would be disappointed to find out my DH thought our only child was tedious.

Except he didn't say the child was tedious. He said fatherhood is tedious.

Which to be frank (as lots of PPs have said), parenting a 6 week old baby, particularly in lockdown will be tedious.

Let's keep the comment in its original context.

Herpesfreesince03 · 23/05/2020 22:39

@Gre8scott don’t be so ridiculous

Stefoscope · 23/05/2020 22:40

This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.

I'd be very uncomfortable if one of my husband's friends started posting messages like this to my home knowing that I'd more than likely see it. It's one thing to not like your friend's partner, but most people are decent enough to not want to be hurtful. What was your DH's response?

geekone · 23/05/2020 22:41

My second paragraph makes only wine sense sorry Wine

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2020 22:41

FWIW I didn’t find having a newborn tedious. We were those hideous people who sat staring at her every night counting her fingers and toes and patting ourselves and each other on the back for making a baby all doe eyed and fascinated. But she swept a lot better back then HmmGrin

The people assuming the friend is jealous are taking a leap, lots of people loathe the idea of “family life”.

OP, he said parenting was tedious, not being married to you or you as a person. Why did you take what you saw and run with it saying you didn’t want to be around him? You breached his privacy, you’re blaming your ex and people on MN and then passively aggressively, or just aggressively, said you didn’t want to look at him for the rest of the night. That’s a very extreme reaction and makes his response, while also dramatic, more understandable.

Herpesfreesince03 · 23/05/2020 22:43

@geekone I agree! Even focussing on the negatives of having a newborn. You can say you’re stressed, you’re exhausted, it’s hard work, you’re struggling. Unless you’ve unfortunately suffered with post natal depression or something similar, it’s also amazing, you’re overwhelmed with love, it’s the best thing you’ve ever done, you’d literally kill or die for this little person you’ve literally just met. For a father of a newborn to describe fatherhood as simply ‘tedious’ is worrying at best

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2020 22:43

*slept not swept!

lottiegarbanzo · 23/05/2020 22:44

Sounds like he's just being tactful towards the friend, telling that part of the truth that fits their relationship.

Do you really think he doesn't love you and your baby?

It sounds as though you never resolved the place of this friend in your relationship, so now he feels like a threat, something changeable and unpredictable who could yet turn your DH's head.

You need to be able to know and trust your DH better. He needs to be knowable and trustworthy.

borntohula · 23/05/2020 22:44

@WorraLiberty I've had my private messages read and was pretty furious so I can relate to him as far as that goes, however, it seems like half of MN is ok with going through someone's phone.
Anyway, I still think it's a shame that he's choosing to share only the negatives with his delightful sounding friend.

HotSauceCommittee · 23/05/2020 22:45

I remember my best friend asking what motherhood was like when my first DS was around that age. My reply was, “It’s like being in prison, but with hard labour. Don’t do it.”
I think you have bigger issues than the text. He is maintains a friendship with someone who is vile about you. Your relationship doesn’t sound great. I hope you are ok, OP Flowers

BeyonceKnows · 23/05/2020 22:46

Privacy issues aside, are you sure your husband didnt mean his friend was being tedious?
Perhaps he has been being rude about his choice to have a baby and the 'hows fatherhood' was another dig so your husband retorted (you're) tedious Hmm
Anyway, whatever was said you have a 6 week old. 6 week olds are tough - you're probably both exhausted, emotions are running high.
Give each other a bit of space and then try to have a calm chat about it in the morning.

BeijingBikini · 23/05/2020 22:49

The amount of posts on MN from new mums saying how awful and shit and boring it is and how much they regret it....yet a bloke can't say it's tedious!

Bleepbloopblarp · 23/05/2020 22:50

Early parenthood can be tedious but I think it’s pretty rotten to say that to his friend. He sounds childish - like he doesn’t want his ex-partner-in-crime to think he may actually be enjoying parenthood, god no - that wouldn’t be cool.

I understand why you’re upset OP - I would be too. I don’t think looking on his phone is that big of a deal either - I wouldn’t care less if my dh looked at my phone. Saying he wants a divorce is a massive overreaction and cruel when you’ve just had his baby. Maybe he is pissed off about other things?

The friend sounds like an absolute loser.

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2020 22:50

borntohula true, although perhaps he's already shared the good parts in other private messages.

Who know, but lockdown is tough for most people so I really don't envy the OP and her DH. It must be very stressful all round.

EKGEMS · 23/05/2020 22:51

Can everybody calm down? Dear god he wants a divorce over you looking at his messages?! Can he see that with your past history you have trust issues and that could've been with any relationship?! Going through his messages was very wrong but not unforgivable-can you speak with him and tell him you were hurt that he was still friends with that loser? Can you all stop with the piling on?

JeSuisPoulet · 23/05/2020 22:55

Parenting is tedious for large chunks!
Come on, they eat, shit and sleep mainly in the early weeks. It's lovely too and baby TV is a thing, but it's not all inspiring rhapsodies of joy every day.

I still feel like that for chunks of the day with 8yo dd! Adults are not kids, ergo you have different interests and those often do not coincide. It is boring looking after someone else constantly at times, again, not always but no one can hand on heart say that cooking an extra 3 meals a day for the last 8 weeks hasn't been tedious at some point Wink

geekone · 23/05/2020 22:55

@Herpesfreesince03 Yip or can be really shit but it’s never tedious (didn’t find it that shit either, try having a snarky 10 year old Grin

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