Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fatherhood is 'tedious'

220 replies

yadayadayadablah · 23/05/2020 22:16

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

OP posts:
Grumpylockeddownwoman · 24/05/2020 09:03

I think the text in itself is innocuous. However there is so much more going on here

Why did you go down the phone in the first place - am not in the crowd baying for you blood for doing so - but what was the reason?

I’d not be happy with dh being in constant contact with someone who so obviously hated me - particularly as it sounds more of an acquaintance thab someone he is close to.

Talking about divorce with a six week old over something that isn’t that big a deal sounds like a massive over-reaction.

There must be more to it than this.

mathanxiety · 24/05/2020 09:06

I agree with you, @Timekeeper1.

The DH here is not man enough to express pride and joy in his own newborn baby and has thrown his wife under the bus several times trying to impress a friend who is a complete loser.

I am speechless at some of the responses here. Six weeks post partum is not the time to threaten your wife with divorce or to disrespect the state of life your wife has just gone through much discomfort and pain to usher into being.

He has made his pathetic priorities clear.

mathanxiety · 24/05/2020 09:08

I don't think you should apologise for looking at his phone.

I would actually demand to see what else he has said about fatherhood to this loser, and what else he has said about you.

diddl · 24/05/2020 09:23

Tbh if he really wants a divorce then go ahead.

Why stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I think that you were wrong to look at his phone, but his reaction seems way ott.

Winterlife · 24/05/2020 09:25

The DH here is not man enough to express pride and joy in his own newborn baby and has thrown his wife under the bus several times trying to impress a friend who is a complete loser.

Are you psychic? I went back and read all of OP's posts. She never posted that her husband threw his wife under the bus "several times trying to impress" this friend. He just said OP should ignore friend's rude comments. OP also posted her husband hasn't seen this friend much in the past two years, and was easing friend out of his life.

I think the advice to go through husband's phone is horrible. It indicates a complete lack of trust. They may as well just call it quits now.

OP, either you trust your husband or you don't. Contrary to what you read into his text (assuming your first post is accurate), it doesn't sound as if your husband said you are tedious. With COVID-19 lockdown, being stuck in the house, even with a newborn, can be tedious. In normal circumstances, you would be going out, showing off baby, or having relatives in to see your baby. You'd have routines in place. You would be out shopping, taking long strolls not only outside, but in shops. Your husband also likely would have been working before your baby was born.

Right now, if you were anything like we were, you are sleep deprived. You are extremely busy. And you likely don't have the supports around you that otherwise would have existed had there been no COVID-19 crisis. So, take a deep breath, calm down, DON'T look at your husband's phone, and try to resolve this. Don't make any rash decisions until the COVID-19 crisis has passed, and your hormones are in better balance (for me, that took four and a half years, but I had three pregnancies in those four years).

littlejalapeno · 24/05/2020 09:32

At the 6 week point we both would’ve said it was exhausting and new and quite high pressure. How with hi design to would condense that to tedious.

It sounds like he’s trying to keep everyone happy and is under pressure so blew up saying divorce when he couldn’t keep a lid of it anymore.

Don’t play into the friends hands, that’s all I can say based on experience.

That and I hate that someone called you controlling further up, like it’s not action and reaction and fear and unfairness and upset at their attitude to you, which would’ve been the same with any woman with any level of chill. It’s blaming you for someone else’s bad treatment of you. People reach for the controlling label a lot on MN. But yeah looking through the phone was not a great move, but I get why you feel so paranoid and vulnerable enough to justify it to yourself. Your husband should be sticking up for you and building your confidence. Hopefully he is doing that, at least a bit from your messages. He probably feels a bit responsible to someone with mental health issues, perhaps his first, jealous, baby?

Hopefully the morning light has given you both some clarity and I hope you find a way to come together. In the first few months forgive each other a lot, support each other as much as possible (to get sleep) and practice having short memories!

BeatrixPottersAlterEgo · 24/05/2020 09:41

I'm so sorry, but I am absolutely howling at Healthyandhappy

"put baby in the moses basket, had relations, and then ordered a pizza from Domino's"

Grin must tell DH that's where we've been going wrong.

OP, perhaps you shouldn't have snooped but at 6 weeks pp you could have done crazier things, and I'd be really upset too.

Your DH should have reined in his friend long ago too. Why is he tolerating comments like that about his wife

crispysausagerolls · 24/05/2020 09:49

“he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce“

I missed this. What a cunt, throwing divorce around in an argument like that.

Just call his bluff. Twat.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 24/05/2020 09:50

I think honestly right now you need to step back , both of you.

When I think back to the first 6 weeks of both DC, it was brutal , exhausting , tedious etc and we were not in our right minds. On top of that you've been dealing with it in a lockdown. I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I know how DP and I feel , we both chatted last night about how every single thing feels more amplified and important than it is.

With exdh I grant you he might have said something similar because he was exhausted and struggling (and funnily enough had a friend not dissimilar to this one but not as bad). By dc2 we had learnt to give each other a pass during the newborn months we both said stupid stuff.

He has massively overreacted but I can see why (see above points about exhaustion and lockdown) and so have you. If it's an ongoing thing checking his messages you need to stop that and after the chaos of the newborn and lockdown is over do some work on yourself to get your head straight. He at the same time needs to deal with this friend.

Right now however give each other a break , you've both hit the roof over something that could have been dealt with by an adult sensible conversation

SheldonSaysSo1 · 24/05/2020 10:04

I wouldn't be so worried by what his friends might think of you. Surely everyone complains to their friends about things like this? Having a baby can be hard work, relentless and tedious. Just because he didn't say he adored fatherhood doesn't mean he regrets it either. It's a big adjustment initially.

ValancyRedfern · 24/05/2020 10:41

6 weeks in I would have used much more negative words than tedious to describe parenthood. Unremitting hell might have approached how I felt about it. You were bu to check his phone and he was bu to threaten divorce. But I understand how in the depths of newborn hell things like this can happen. Once you've had more sleep I think you'll both feel calmer.

Ilovecats14 · 24/05/2020 11:47

Parenting is tedious. You should apologise you are in the wrong.

BubblyBarbara · 24/05/2020 14:06

using words like tedious instead of talking up how great it is as he knows how negative his friend his. His friend according to DH has a mental illness

Yes, if you have a depressed friend who asks about your life you should lie and “talk up” how great your life is as it will certainly make them feel happier about their own life Hmm Get in the real world love

CrazyToast · 24/05/2020 14:55

I can see why you would be hurt, but maybe it is tedious for him-- my friend, a new mum, says having a baby is both the most dull and most boring time ever.

His reaction to the message-reading was OTT, are there other issues? Or maybe he is just stressed.

Yes you shouldnt read them etc but when my OH has done this, we've sat and talked properly about why he felt he needed to etc. I didn't just kick off at him.

lovepickledlimes · 24/05/2020 15:19

Reading some of the other responses I and do agree that besides the issue that you should not have read the message the fact that he basically said to a friend that despises you and thinks that you are runing your DH's life that his life right now is shit is also a massive betrayal. That is not to say that he should have no one to be honest with but the fact that it is this particular friend that he described fatherhood in that manner is really a betrayal

lovepickledlimes · 24/05/2020 15:24

@BubblyBarbara problem is this is not an average friend. This is a friend openly hostile towards OP whispering in her husband's ear that she ruined his life

strivingtosucceed · 24/05/2020 15:44

Some of y'all are an extremely hypocritical bunch aren't ya. The amount of people that come on AIBU to say ''AIBU to think DH is an f'ing prick/cunt etc' and the posters agree, call him worse names and tell OP to leave him. Is any of that even slightly on the same level as 'tedious'? They're not even in the same postcode.

Are all the 'furious' pp saying they've never said anything negative about their partners to friends or family? Because some of the reactions here are absolutely mind boggling!!!

2bazookas · 24/05/2020 16:45

"Surely you don't go from new baby to divorce over one thing?"

IME it's pretty normal to have tears and upsets at six weeks into first-born, we both did. Both parents are sleep deprived, physically and emotionally shattered, every molehill looks like a mountain.

lovepickledlimes · 24/05/2020 17:08

@strivingtosucceed I certainly would not complain about my partner that could in anyway confirm what someone that does not like him already thinks of him

Timekeeper1 · 24/05/2020 18:20

@BubblyBarbara Yes, if you have a depressed friend who asks about your life you should lie and “talk up” how great your life is as it will certainly make them feel happier about their own life hmm Get in the real world love

  1. No where has there been any indication the friend is depressed.
  2. So you should allow them to belittle and abuse your spouse, just to make them feel better? Throw your own wife and mother of your child under the bus? Sorry but you're the one who needs to get in the real world love, especially if that is how you truly think. Scary. Hmm
Timekeeper1 · 24/05/2020 18:22

that could in anyway confirm what someone that does not like him already thinks of him

Exactly!

Crossornot · 24/05/2020 18:40

Your husband’s friend sounds like a prat and your husband is lamely trying to impress him. Tell him that you shouldn’t have looked at his phone, but that he needs to grow up and try to enjoy his (adult, responsibility filled) life. And if he wholeheartedly tries to for a while and still feels it’s tedious and wants a divorce then of course he can have one. YANBU!

GlummyMcGlummerson · 25/05/2020 00:04

Parenting is tedious though. Especially of a new born. Would you rather he lie and have him pretend he loves every minute?

BitOfFun · 25/05/2020 00:17

Well, yeah. The rest of us manage to do basic Life PR in front of not-especially-close buddies. Isn't that normal?

lovepickledlimes · 25/05/2020 01:24

@GlummyMcGlummerson again it is not so much about him making a honest comment but who he was this honest with. He basically threw his life under the bus to a guy that does not like OP as it is.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread