Fatherhood is 'tedious'

[yadayadayadablah]

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

I'd be furious op, and his friend sounds like an idiot

Can he see that with your past history you have trust issues and that could've been with any relationship?!

Not his fault, not his job to fix OP’s past issues.

Going through his messages was very wrong but not unforgivable

He’s the wronged party, he gets to decide.

Can you all stop with the piling on?

She knows she fucked up and literally asked to be told she had.

You missed out the ever tedious #bekind

being a parent of a small baby is tedious (frankly I've found all of it mostly tedious, tbh) and you know you are BU for looking at his phone.

Best case - you can both have an adult conversation about this when he's less angry.

You really should not have snooped to read his messages. That was very bad. The fact that his only comment on fatherhood was that it was tedious is odd. I do realize parenting is hard but really to say nothing positive about it at all is odd. What is even odder is his reaction to you reading his messages. He has every right to be mad but threatening with divorce is a but ott and making me think if he is looking for a way out without coming across as the bad guy. Especially as it seems he never corrected his friend about what he says

Your baby is 6 weeks we had dtd from 4 weeks with 1st baby. So have you? If not and nil through pregnancy now your snooping its probs why? Babies at this age sleep loads so relatively easy. Try to make time for you. With our 1st whom is 10 now we fed at night put in moses then had relations and a pizza from dominoes etc lol. Never had issues with 2and neither. We do tonight as they just wont sleep!! Aged 5 and 10 ! . Say your sorry get a shower put u make up on and nice underwear. Why cant he play on xbox with his friend anyways let him have friends and enjoy life or u will push him away

It's umbrage, not unbridge.

And don't blame MN for reading your husband's messages.

Lockdown is horrible for everyone, though, OP, so I don't at all blame you for overreacting, and your DH for overreacting too.

My husband says he comes home from work to a mad house. I've worked from home all day not spoke with kids as I'm a nurse with telephone appointments. Cleaned up tried to home school and yet apparently it's a mad house. Think it's a man thing

Worra, yup I'd say looking through your partner's phone AND demanding a divorce just like that are the words and actions of people who aren't thinking rationally tbh.

if he's saying it's tedious it gives the impression he regrets it. Plays right into their hands

Just words. Is he giving you any reason to think he regrets father hood?

He hasn't seen this friend for about 2 years as far as I'm aware
So why even give it headspace then?
Maybe I'm angry that my husband has never corrected this friend on that score
Why?
Seriously, why? Why does it matter what this ‘friend he hasn’t bothered to see for 2 years’ thinks?
You and DH know the truth. You will feel far happier if you just forget it.

Remember - people that think badly of you don’t matter because people that matter don’t think badly of you.

You have every right to look at his phone, you're married!! He'll be exhausted and feeling his life isn't his own right now (new borns can knock us side ways). His choice of words were quite insensitive to he honest. But gushing over a baby and being soppy doesn't sound like the kind of relationship he has with his friend - it'll be more hollow and self centred.
All you probably need to hear is that he's completely in love and happy. He should use his energy telling you that instead of talking about a divorce. Selfish git. You've just had his baby for goodness sake.
Go to bed and hopefully it'll blow over x

Leave it.

I’d be furious if my DH looked at messages to a friend. Also, he’s not playing PlayStation so I presume he’s successfully kept his flaky friend at bay.

He did jump to divorce quickly though.
Lockdown fever is a thing and new parents must be finding this really rough without baby rhyme tyme or whatever and being able to do the showing off bit . At least he will know how to change a nappy by the end of it I suppose!

Talk about it in the morning and leave it for tonight. Make that agreement now and stick to it.

I'd say your DH maybe felt guilty at leaving the friend and his old lifestyle behind, added to which, if the friend has MH issues then your DH saying "life's brilliant, fatherhood is amazing, I couldn't be happier" etc could be rubbing salt in the wound, so he said "tedious" safe in the knowledge that nobody would see it except the friend. Except you did, so now he's reacted defensively because he may have felt he was doing a good deed by playing his family life down to make friend feel less jealous (and maybe was also patting himself on the back for this piece of selflessness ) which has backfired massively, so now he'll be feeling guilty about upsetting you; betraying his family life by the fib, and embarassed about being caught out.

So he's created a smokescreen to sidestep the awkward facing up to the situation. Added to which a tiny part of him maybe does feel fatherhood is a bit tedious. Parts of parenthood are. New babies are a big shock. Doesn't mean you don't love your new babies or want to change anything.

I think catching him out in the lie is probably enough for now, with a new baby and the lockdown etc, so unless he's unbearable in other ways, if it's just this issue, I would probably smooth it over in the short term just for the peace for yourself and DS at least, but obviously he's been caught out so it should make him think a bit harder about what he says to this friend in future.

Tons of us have said similar on here over the years. The early years are bloody tedious.

The rest of what you said about your hubby's friendship doesn't sound great

You have every right to look at his phone, you're married!

Seriously? So privacy is not a thing in a marriage. Of course, she doesn't have the right. She admitted she shouldn't have.

OP, hope you can have a talk when tempers have cooled.

YABU for reading his messages. YABU for being angry for him being honest about his feelings. YABU expecting him to lie about how he feels to other people. YABU to expect him to enjoy every minute of a job that can be tedious - yes, it can be tedious, we all know it can.
It sucks to hear that the person you love isn't happy 100% of the time because that's all we ever want but he has every right to feel that way and every right to talk about feeling that way.
Your feelings are reasonable but your behaviour is not.

He's an utter dickhead to respond to an argument with "I want a divorce". What a man-child you've landed yourself.

Healthyandhappy ......... Say your sorry get a shower put u make up on and nice underwear.

Yeah, that's just what every mother wants to do six weeks postpartum

Saying he wants a divorce is a pretty shitty way of responding to you reading his messages...which IMO is not a big deal but according to some people it's a crime on here!
You're right to be upset.

Siamf ...... You have every right to look at his phone, you're married!

WTF?

Did you have that written into your wedding vows?

"Thou shall never have a moment's privacy again"?

I can totally see why you are upset.

Parenting a newborn is so fucking tedious I do everything in my power to ensure I don't have to go back through it again.

My friend messaged about having more dc and my response was "No fucking way. It would be like a punishment"

I'd be beyond furious if dh snooped on my phone and then took umbridge at my having this opinion

Nine months of vomiting waddling pain sweat and tears and his reply is its tedious not wonderful but fucking tedious

You have every right to look at his phone, you're married!

So you sign over all right to any privacy when you get married? If my bloke went through my phone or handbag he wouldn’t forget the repercussions in a hurry.

Is your DH’s friend childless? I don’t talk particularly positively about my children or motherhood to my childless friends, it seems insensitive and like I’m bragging.