Fatherhood is 'tedious'

[yadayadayadablah]

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

I understand why that would upset you at the time but to be honest parenting a newborn sucks, I like babies once they start to interact.

You have every right to look at his phone, you're married!!

WTF? Not only does that mean that a spouse has no rights to privacy, it means the spouse's friends don't either. I've often messaged with friends who have problems. One was even suicidal. If they'd thought that my husband could read what they confided to me, they'd never have opened up. And if they'd found out later that I'd let someone else read their messages, they'd have been well within their rights to never see me again.

I'm in a committed relationship but I still don't want him reading through my messages. It's weird that people are fine with this!

I would never have described parenting a newborn as tedious and nor would my husband.

There's a huge difference between saying 'tiring', which it is or 'overwhelming' or scary or exhausting or...

But 'tedious' is unpleasant, I think and I would be upset too. Plus, he hasn't entirely had your back where the friend is concerned.

Having said that, I don't know if I'd have looked through his phone.

Hope you can have a constructive conversation in the morning.

Healthyandhappy Sat 23-May-20 22:57:14
Your baby is 6 weeks we had dtd from 4 weeks with 1st baby. So have you? If not and nil through pregnancy now your snooping its probs why? Babies at this age sleep loads so relatively easy. Try to make time for you. With our 1st whom is 10 now we fed at night put in moses then had relations and a pizza from dominoes etc lol. Never had issues with 2and neither. We do tonight as they just wont sleep!! Aged 5 and 10 ! confused. Say your sorry get a shower put u make up on and nice underwear. Why cant he play on xbox with his friend anyways let him have friends and enjoy life or u will push him away.

one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self

Awful. The fact he even has any contact with someone that speaks like that about his wife, the mother of his tedious DC is not acceptable.

YANBU to be pissed off. I'd say fine to the divorce, see if he thinks he's so cool then. He would end up back with his loser mate smoking weed and gaming. You deserve better and so does the baby.

@BitOfFun

😂

What a response

I wouldn't get into brinkmanship. I'd go medieval on him tomorrow for threatening divorce at what is probably the most vulnerable and in need of him you are in your life.

WTF is going on with him to go nuclear at a (reasonable) statement of your disappointment? As for the "you shouldn't have looked" crowd- maybe not, but you did, and the issue needs addressing. One doesn't cancel out the other.

FWIW, I don't think he was sincere with his "tedious" comment: I just think he's a bit spineless with his old mate and doesn't want to wax lyrical about his lovely family life in case he makes his pal feel like a loser. He simply hasn't thought about how disloyal it sounds, and when confronted with that, he's gone on the defensive...

But divorce? To threaten that? He's a pig, and you should be pointing this out rather forcefully in the morning.

Just wrong to be snooping at messages..But awful as well,to say that it's tedious having a young baby.

‘Tedious’ would’ve been me putting a positive spin on things at the 6-week mark. I can only imagine your reaction if you’d read ‘It’s an absolute nightmare and I wish we’d never had him.’

Fortunately, it’s only a tiny snapshot taken at a very specific moment in time. A very stressful moment in time.

Hopefully you’ve both calmed down now.

I think it’s less about the words and more about WHO he said it to.

To keep a friend that even says your partner is poisonous baffles me... he would be cut off if that was dps friend, without my input. None of this ‘not rocking the boat’ crap. You feel like your dh is just agreeing with what he says, and baring in mind what we know friend DOES say, I would be worried about that else he has gone along with or agreed with since it is all negative.

If it was a different friend of his who is more involved with your life and hears the good bits and doesn’t slag you off, I doubt this would invoke what you feel now.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie - I think you've really hit the nail on the head with your comments.

Yes, calling it "tedious" isn't the worst thing ever - but bearing in mind it's to someone who's incredibly rude and hostile about the OP, stirring up even more bad feeling towards their family unit would be upsetting.

And I also don't get the real vitriol towards you about reading his messages. You've owned it, hands up, that it wasn't the loveliest thing to do but I"ve read thread after thread after thread recently where MN has URGED the OP to look at their partner's phone! She did it, she's not proud of it, and she knows she shouldn't have. Enough of the preaching at her!

I also think I'd be extremely concerned that he wants to divorce you because you looked at that message. Huge overreaction. What is he hiding? Sounds like there is something he has a guilty conscience over....not suggesting he's cheating, but possibly "worse" messages to his friend....

I don't look at my partner's phone for this reason. I know he'd be blowing off steam to friends if we're having a hard time, and I know I would blow it out of proportion and take it personally. But if I did look and confess....he wouldn't be impressed with me....but I guarantee you he wouldn't instantly threaten to walk out. Nor would I if he snooped through my messages.

My angry self feels like saying that he can fuck off if he's going to treat you like that, let him piss off back to his pot-head mate and you'll be better off without him! But of course, that's not really the adult response and you should really talk to him when you've both calmed down. Yes, you need to apologise, but he owes you a big apology - and explanation - too.

I'm just imagining life with someone who had the the gall to go snooping through their partner's phone, finds something that innocuous and still feels justified in dropping the fact that they invaded their privacy without remorse.
If you do the same, you can probably work out why he's talking about a divorce.

I’d be more pissed off that he’s still in touch with a friend who’s so nasty about you. Any friend of mine who called my dh poisonous would be blocked.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sat 23-May-20 22:25:06

I'd be gutted as well. I guess maybe he didnt really mean it and was being 'one of the lads' and cant show his true feelings to him etc...but even if that's the case I dont think I'd be able to respect a man who cant create some distance from a friend who's opinion he doesnt respect. He must have been saying stuff like that to his friend all the say through for his friend to be sending him stuff saying 'if you're still a prisoner'. I'd be hurt on behalf of my child more than myself though, imagine being summed up as being tedious. If someone says they want a divorce after one argument though I'd say they were looking for an excuse to get out. I'm sorry.
I think I'd call say fine to the divorce at this stage

THIS ^^

BitOfFun Sun 24-May-20 01:00:09

I wouldn't get into brinkmanship. I'd go medieval on him tomorrow for threatening divorce at what is probably the most vulnerable and in need of him you are in your life.

WTF is going on with him to go nuclear at a (reasonable) statement of your disappointment? As for the "you shouldn't have looked" crowd- maybe not, but you did, and the issue needs addressing. One doesn't cancel out the other.

FWIW, I don't think he was sincere with his "tedious" comment: I just think he's a bit spineless with his old mate and doesn't want to wax lyrical about his lovely family life in case he makes his pal feel like a loser. He simply hasn't thought about how disloyal it sounds, and when confronted with that, he's gone on the defensive...

But divorce? To threaten that? He's a pig, and you should be pointing this out rather forcefully in the morning.

AND THIS ^^

Your H is an immature fool. He needs to grow up and grow a spine.

You have every right to look at his phone, you're married!!
Creep alert.

I’ll never understand those who think it’s ok, even that they have a right to go through their husband’s phone, just because they’re married.
It’s not just his phone you’re looking at, you’re looking at messages and emails from his friends and family that were sent to him, not to you both. Some people here must be utterly shit friends if you tell your husbands everything your friends confide in you, simple because you’re married to him and “married people don’t have secrets” (wtf?).

I once ended a friendship because my friend told her husband something hugely personal that I had confided in her. It took me a long time feel comfortable telling her, and next thing she told her husband in front of me. I’ve known her husband years, but he’s not a close friend of mine and I didn’t want him knowing this information. I thought I could trust my friend of almost 20 years, but she clearly thinks her husband has a right to know what she knows about her friends. I walked out of her house that night and haven’t spoken to her since. The breach of trust is unforgivable.

I always shudder on here when I see people justifying this behaviour with the old “trust issues cos I was hurt before” line. Lots of people have been hurt in the past. That doesn’t give you the right to invade other people’s privacy for the rest of your life. Don’t make your current partner pay for the mistakes of another.

Lastly, I don’t see anything wrong with him confiding in a friend that he finds parenting tedious. Lots of people do, particularly in the infant stage. To use a frequent MN line, imagine if a new mum posted here saying she’d texted a friend saying she was struggling and her husband had read it and was going mad she’d used that word, just imagine the responses here. It’d be all about how he didn’t want her getting support from her friends, wanted to isolate her etc etc. And yes, I’m aware that new motherhood and new fatherhood are vastly different but they’re still each a major upheaval and utterly life-changing.

his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything.

So, he's a loser.

Probably flailing around in this new reality I think we all are and never got his life together anyway so desperately reaching out to anyone he ever knew.

DH made a throwaway comment, maybe to appease his mate, don't take it seriously. Babies ARE hard work, it's been 6 weeks. Your hormones are still settling down anyway.
He's also finding his way into new parenthood.

Pathetic that he's thrown the divorce word around already though.
Give yourselves both some slack, don't bother checking his phone, that will kill any trust anyway.

It's a double whammy for you both right now, new baby and lockdown. Look to the future - it WILL be better.

I still haven’t figured out why you snooped. What was you expecting to find?

The friend sounds like a loser but how your Dh behaves is not down to friend it’s down to him.

Sounds like there are issues between you - but at 6 weeks you are shattered. Divorce is an extreme response.

You two need to have a conversation about your relationship, what you both need . Wait till you have both calmed down

I have read my husband's messages,and he's read mine, usually in front of each other though so don't see that as a bit deal. Your husband is making it in to a big vdeal because he knows it was a shit thing to say. Him saying he wants a divorce over it is ridiculous, sounds like he's been listening to his friend dripping poison in his ear for too long.
Talk to him when he's calm, ask him how he feels about fatherhood, he could be struggling. He should really get rid of this friend but unfortunately that's not your call.

Mumsnet is such a weird place at times. No you should not have looked but I’d be totally gutted if my DH had described parenting as tedious with no positives chucked in there too!!

I don’t go through my husband’s phone nor he mine, but he wouldn’t care if I did, or read all his emails, and vice versa. We have no secrets.

OP, I think you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill. I think you should apologize for your overreaction, forget about it, and move on.

Perhaps he should have said being a parent is tedious. At times it is very bloody tedious, whether you are the mother or the father.

I couldn't get wound up over someone looking at my phone to be honest. I leave it lying around in all sorts of places at home, so it could have easily have been looked at without me knowing.

I'd go medieval on him tomorrow for threatening divorce at what is probably the most vulnerable and in need of him you are in your life.

Eh - and what does that achieve@?

I have read my husband's messages,and he's read mine, usually in front of each other though so don't see that as a bit deal. Your husband is making it in to a big vdeal because he knows it was a shit thing to say. Him saying he wants a divorce over it is ridiculous, sounds like he's been listening to his friend dripping poison in his ear for too long.

1. That May work for you, it doesn’t for OP’s DH

2. he probably regarded it as a big deal because it is a big deal (a breach of trust) not because merely of content of messages

3. I would end a friendship or relationship for someone snooping in my messages / emails / post - it crosses a line. Nothing to do with their content or pressure, it’s just a form of behaviour I wouldn’t tolerate