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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fatherhood is 'tedious'

220 replies

yadayadayadablah · 23/05/2020 22:16

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 24/05/2020 05:58

OK, "going medieval" is hyperbole, but I do think that this aspect is the particularly worrying bit.

How can you trust your spouse/partner if they are going to pull the divorce card every time you have a row?

passerbye · 24/05/2020 05:59

I don’t know OP. There’s obviously things not right in your relationship. Maybe agree and say “ok yes let’s divorce. I think it’s for the best. Please move out today” maybe it’s actually for the best? He’s described it as tedious which is a bit of a slap in the face and you’ve got this weird poisoning friend in the background. I couldn’t live like that. You’ve now got to go through the early stages of what should be a wonderful, exciting, tiring but special time that you’ll always remember (you never ever get a 1st baby year again) with a guy you know who’s heart isn’t in it. He’s threatened divorce. It’s already ruined. 1st year ruined. Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier doing this on your own and not having the weird friend stress. He’s probably slagging you off to this mate right now!

Comingoutontop123 · 24/05/2020 06:03

Yes, ask him to leave today as he's ruined the entire first year of your babys life Hmm
Or maybe don't.

Rosebel · 24/05/2020 06:04

Ending a,relationships, especially one with children, just because someone looked at a message is ridiculous. We have a great marriage but you looked at a message so it's over. That's not normal.
He's obviously hurt can't see why but he's being over the top. They both need to apologise.
Mobile phones are,the work of the devil, seen to cause so many problems, especially those who are so possessive of them.

bumblingbovine49 · 24/05/2020 06:10

I.am more woeri d that

bumblingbovine49 · 24/05/2020 06:11

You don't know he finds fatherhood tedious . Aren't you interested in his feelings about it and why?

I would.be

Aridane · 24/05/2020 06:14

How can you trust your spouse/partner if they are going to pull the divorce card every time you have a row?

How can you trust your partner when they snoop through your messages?

rwalker · 24/05/2020 06:14

You shouldn’t of looked at his messages that is way over the line and very intrusive

People need to be more honest parenting is tedious and people should be more honest there is no need not to admit parenting can be and be shit at times does not make you a bad person Parent or love your child less

You clearly don’t like his friend so think if he had sent the same message to someone else don’t think your reaction would be so extreme

You need to admit you were in the wrong

You shouldn’t be reading his messages and he can say what he wants

You are coming across as controlling

All that said 6 weeks in emotions running high you need to apologise and realise you are wrong not him

PhilCornwall1 · 24/05/2020 06:24

People need to be more honest parenting is tedious and people should be more honest there is no need not to admit parenting can be and be shit at times does not make you a bad person Parent or love your child less

Totally this. I can remember being asked at work what it was like just after our eldest was born. At that point in time the only thing I could say was "fucking nightmare" as to be honest it was. Ask me after the second was born and the response would be "dead easy".

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest, because it really isn't all a lovely, wonderful and special time.

LesleysChestnutBob · 24/05/2020 06:27

You are coming across as controlling

This.

If you were a bloke who was snooping through your partner's messages, flying off the handle at what you found, you wouldnt be getting all these supportive messages. His friend describes you as poisonous, you've probably made it quite clear you don't want your DH having much contact with him - trying to control who his friends are is not on.

Having a baby with him is not some sort of trump card to be held over him whenever you want him to toe the line.

MamaGothel · 24/05/2020 06:29

I would be so upset if my DH was maintaining a friendship with somebody who was so nasty about me. Calling the baby tedious is even worse. I feel for you OP. If he's looking for a reason to go, let him go. I can't think why else he would jump straight to divorce over looking at some messages. No it's not nice, but it's not a marriage ending offense either. Maybe some time apart would do you good and he might realise what he actually stands to lose.

Lostvoiced · 24/05/2020 06:32

To be honest I'd be furious if my partner was saying parenting is tedious.

That doesn't make looking at his messages ok, and you should apologise for that.

To be honest him jumping straight to divorce makes me think he doesn't want to be a dad and is looking for a way out.

LesleysChestnutBob · 24/05/2020 06:34

Calling the baby tedious is even worse

He said fatherhood is tedious. Stop making stuff up to fit your narrative

Nancydrawn · 24/05/2020 06:37

With our 1st whom is 10 now we fed at night put in moses then had relations and a pizza from dominoes etc lol

Who said romance is dead in the modern world?

Lostvoiced · 24/05/2020 06:38

I agree that he didn't say that the baby was tedious but fatherhood isn't divorced from the baby. It's not like it has nothing to do with the baby.

aurynne · 24/05/2020 06:39

I am a midwife, I love my job. I love accompanying families during pregnancy, birth and the first 6 weeks of their baby's journey. I recognise the uniqueness and wonder of newborns.

However, after thousands of home visits and mothers' and fathers' descriptions of life with a newborn, "tedious" is probably one of the most accurate - and kind - terms to describe day-to-day life with a 6-week old baby. Come on, it's hardly thrilling.

myself2020 · 24/05/2020 06:44

Children ARE tedious at times. and a 6 week old is probably the most boring creature in the world.
i have 2 kids, love them to bits, but babies to me are awful. you get through the babystage to arrive at the stage where you have an actual little human to interact with (mine are 3 and 7 and amazing . hated the first 2 years. I know, societal consent says babies are amazing, cute, and you should adore every poopy nappy. Reality is, to some they are, to some they are just tedious. its a valid opinion, and luckily kids grow

myself2020 · 24/05/2020 06:47

And please, please, please stop mystifying parenthood. No wonder so many parents end up doubting themselves. its not a rose coloured amazing thing all the time. its also tedious, boring, messy. And that is OK

Peasypasta67 · 24/05/2020 06:48

Both times I have found being a parent to a newborn awful. Its overwhelming and scary and exhausting and tiring and you think things are never going to get better than the awful moment you are in right now so I can agree it can be tedious.

Also my partner and I never argue. But when the first baby arrived - wow! We didn't stop. Because everything is exhausting and overwhelming. Then the arguments stopped probably around the time of the first baby smile. And came back again exactly the same with the second. And then it stopped. And if we were married - and the new baby stuff was happening when neither one of us could escape the house - I reckon both of us would have demanded a divorce at some point.

I think you both need to apologise this morning and move on. I think you guys will be fine 🙂

Figgygal · 24/05/2020 06:50

Well it is tedious isn’t it and a lot of men struggle with tiny babies
Ours are 8 and 3 now it’s not just tedious it’s maddening, frustrating, repetitive, relentless especially at the moment in lockdown but equally it can be utterly joyful and rewarding.
It isn’t all fun and glamorous nothing wrong with thinking otherwise

PhilCornwall1 · 24/05/2020 06:50

I agree that he didn't say that the baby was tedious but fatherhood isn't divorced from the baby. It's not like it has nothing to do with the baby.

No, but a baby is tough (as any parent knows) and just because he has said tedious, doesn't necessarily mean he thinks the child is tedious, just the "process", it is isn't it, potentially sleep deprived, nappies, bottles, more nappies, etc. It doesn't mean he doesn't love the child.

I love my boys unconditionally, but as I said earlier, at times it was worse than tedious, it felt like a living nightmare.

MamaGothel · 24/05/2020 06:52

He said fatherhood is tedious. Stop making stuff up to fit your narrative

As opposed to your "what if the genders were reversed!" narrative, which is completely fact based.

RantyAnty · 24/05/2020 06:53

Of course there are some issues with this on both sides.

Does you DH have a good mate or a social life of his own?

The former friend is certainly a loser and like a pp said probably reaching out to anyone during this lockdown. Since DH doesn't associate with him anymore, maybe he was just humoring him in a way knowing he wouldn't be talking to him again anytime soon.

I could see myself doing that in a one off but would shut down someone dissing my spouse, if we were actual friends.

For him to jump from reading messages straight to divorce is troubling. He really shouldn't have gone there at all.

They way you brought up him saying tedious was rather passive aggressive. This only led to a fight which doesn't solve a thing.

Do you both check in with each other on how you're feeling, coping, etc.? This could have been a conversation to see how he's coping with being a new father.

I'd let the situation calm down a bit and then have a talk with each other to see how both of you are doing. He may have different feelings about things than you do. He might be thinking wtf did I do? Parenting is shite! As a mum and grandmother, I had quite a few of those moments! They passed though :)

DemolitionBarbie · 24/05/2020 06:57

I get this. Friend was making out that your DH must be unhappy with you. DH should have stayed in no uncertain terms that he's happy and friend should knock it off.

DH seems to have just let friend carry on making remarks that suggest your relationship won't last. Now DH calling baby tedious is playing up insecurity more, though it was probably just blowing off steam.

You're super vulnerable with a newborn so I can understand the urge to snoop, although you shouldn't have.

I think you want reassurance that DH is happy with the step you've taken in having a baby and that he's going to stick around. Just ask him openly and say sorry for snooping.

Newborns are lovely but also tedious. You need to know that DH is in it for the long course even if nappies and burping get monotonous. Thanks

TwilightPeace · 24/05/2020 07:00

and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.

See this would piss me off more than the tedious comment.
How could he be friends with someone who says this about you? Poisoned? What exactly is your DH saying to this guy about you?

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