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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fatherhood is 'tedious'

220 replies

yadayadayadablah · 23/05/2020 22:16

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

OP posts:
AgeLikeWine · 23/05/2020 23:18

You were completely, 100% out of order and you owe your DH a proper apology.

MeadowHay · 23/05/2020 23:19

Tbh I had hyperemesis in pregnancy, and a traumatic birth with a birth injury that took around 11 months to heal to as good as it was gonna get. And my DD was/is high needs. I wouldn't describe the overall parenting of her at 6 weeks as tedious because I had PND and she screamed all the time, but certain moments/aspects of it were, and if she had been a calmer baby I can imagine feeling like it was all quite tedious. You shouldn't have read his messages and I don't think he said anything to make a big deal out of.

tara66 · 23/05/2020 23:20

If 6 weeks of being a parent is regarded as ''tedious'' already and nothing good - then those persons who feel like that should have research life as a parent better before having them! Do not have children - no one makes you have them in this country. It is not Saudi! Poor baby/child/.children!

DancyNancy · 23/05/2020 23:22

I'm a mom. I find it tedious. And jesus I think first six weeks of my first baby I was like a zombie being run over by a train over and over again. I didn't know what the heck had hit me. It is good that he's able to Express his feeling to someone. And as others have said maybe that friend is not the one to gush over babies. Maybe your DH doesn't do gushing? A lot of men don't.

The strain on relationship with new baby is very severe for some. I know I felt like running away a few times cause it was all about me and my dd, but it changed as I (eventually) got sleep.

You poor thing your hormones are everywhere and you're sensitive and it's lockdown as well as everything else post baby.

Just remember he didn't say You're tedious. Or the baby is tedious. He said fatherhood was tedious. And that's how he's feeling. And that's ok. If you were feeling post natal blues that would be ok too.

It's a big life change. He's freaking out I think. Try to talk when you are both less upset.

Hugs xx

thepeopleversuswork · 23/05/2020 23:24

I'm going against the grain here but I'd be really fricking pissed off if I were you.

Early fatherhood is really tedious but I'd consider that a real insult without any elaboration and considering the back story.

And snooping is generally bad but you've identified the fact that he's being a dick behind your back with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart so I'd say fair game.

bindibindi · 23/05/2020 23:29

Don't have that much trust if reading your husbands phone was such a big deal that he demands divorce. A man and his wife shouldn't have any secrets, can use each other's phone like it's their own - how do you have "privacy" with someone you've married? Someone you're spending the rest of your life with?!

Parenting at 6 weeks is tedious but he shouldn't have said it to someone who he knows would just use it against his wife.

AreYouLocal2 · 23/05/2020 23:29

I think a lot of people have totally missed the point. Yes, yes, you probably shouldn't have looked at the phone. Blah blah blah.

What concerns me is that your DH has allowed his 'friend' to say all that foul stuff about you. That 'friend' has no respect for you, or your marriage. So of course DH's comment feels disloyal.

Saladmakesmesad · 23/05/2020 23:30

The message/tedious thing is not the issue.

The issue is that he is maintaining a friendship with someone who describes you as 'poisoning' him. That's massively disrespectful to you.

Musicforsmorks · 23/05/2020 23:32

Friend sounds like a toxic waster.
Husband sounds like he can’t stand up to it.
I’d be pissed too.

They need to grow the fuck up.

Alsohuman · 23/05/2020 23:36

A man and his wife shouldn't have any secrets, can use each other's phone like it's their own - how do you have "privacy" with someone you've married? Someone you're spending the rest of your life with?!

That might work in your marriage. It sure as hell won’t happen in mine. I have as much right to privacy as I did when I was single. So does he. That’s what trust’s about.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/05/2020 23:37

This has become an argument about whether it's ok to tell one of your friends that your family life or parenthood is tedious. I think that's fine if you need to vent or confide in someone. I dont think that someone should be someone who sends stuff to your house suggesting your partner trapped you and you'd be better off if you escaped

squirrelsbizaar · 23/05/2020 23:37

If my dh had a friend that was apparently shit talking me behind my back and he allowed it continue, then I would be upset.
This friend is also sending PS games in the post saying the op is poisoning her husband ?
Maybe parenthood is tedious and the dh is just humouring his miserable friend, but On top of everything else the text makes it look like her DH is agreeing with his friends negative appraisal of her.
It’s also laughable reading all the self righteous twats on here that would never dream of looking at their partners phone. The op is presumably sharing a mortgage, bills ? And has sex with this man? I honestly don’t get how can you do all those things and be so uptight over a phone.
Op he’s pissed off because he’s been caught out, it was a shitty thing to say. If he wants a divorce based on you reading a text message, then there are more problems going on in your marriage than a minor invasion of his privacy.

Chillipeanuts · 23/05/2020 23:43

Going against the grain here but I’d be pissed off at “tedious” too.
I have no problem with my husband reading my messages if he wants to, no idea if he does. I’ve read his on occasion, we have lots of mutual friends. Don’t see the issue tbh.

Notwiththeseknees · 23/05/2020 23:47

Im with you OP, what an unkind thing to write after all the effort put into growing and nurturing a tiny human being. Accept his kind offer of a divorce and look for someone who cares for you both. Reading his phone messages is not the end of the world - you are married - what would he not want you see on his phone? It's a utility not a diary. He sounds very childish and when I read your post to my partner he asked if your husband was 16?

NeutrinoWrangler · 23/05/2020 23:48

Yes, I'm sure parenthood can be tedious, but he's being ridiculous threatening divorce because you looked at some messages-- especially given your history with a cheating spouse. (No, sneaking into his messages isn't good, but I don't think it's as bad as some on MN believe.)

Your husband doesn't sound particularly mature, and his "friend" seems like a jerk. I'd not be happy if my husband maintained a chatty friendship with someone who hated me and didn't respect our marriage.

After you've both cooled off, maybe you can discuss this again more calmly. If he's still talking about divorce because of such a minor transgression, I'm afraid you chose your husband poorly. I wouldn't want to be with someone so unstable (and immature), honestly.

Gemz1806 · 23/05/2020 23:54

I think at this stage it is a bit tedious. We all feel that, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love his son. We all create this idea of instant affection. It's easy for the mums but dad's need, in my opinion need feedback, that's when the connection starts. I still my children tedious, they are landing 8 & 5!!!

NeutrinoWrangler · 23/05/2020 23:58

...Actually, thinking about it again, I would find it suspicious that he blew up over you reading his messages.

If you make a habit of checking up on him, that's a problem, but anyone in a committed relationship who is so protective of their "privacy" sends up red flags for me. I wouldn't want to be married to a man who wouldn't be comfortable with me reading his messages, just as I'd happily let my husband read mine, if he wanted. Of course I have my own private thoughts and opinions (some of which are none of his business), but we don't keep secrets of the kind that need to be discussed in messages that must in turn be carefully guarded from one another. We never bother looking at one another's phones, but there's also no question of that not being "allowed".

I find it bizarre that people sleep together, share finances, even go so far as having children together, yet their phones are sacrosanct.

NCagainwhenwhenwhen · 23/05/2020 23:58

If DHs phone bleeps I read his messages, in case I need to go and get him to respond. If my phone does then half the time my (pre-teen) kids read the messages before I do. Occasionally it's something a bit personal or I suppose could be about birthday presents or something, but generally none of us have secrets that are that big a deal. If DH sent that to a mate I would happily tell him I'd seen it and if I felt pissed off I would say so.

We might also open each others' post, unless it was clearly personal. What's with all the secrecy? If he wants to divorce you over that then I think there must be something much bigger going on......

I totally agree with Neutrino.

copperoliver · 24/05/2020 00:00

I'd kill my husband if he said looking after our baby was tedious. ( not literally). A new baby is a wonderful and precious thing not tedious. X

Herpesfreesince03 · 24/05/2020 00:04

@Healthyandhappy oh fuck off. It’s great your children are such amazing sleepers. But after spending any time on here, do you honestly think that the average 6 week old ‘sleeps loads’ and their parents have ‘loads of time to themselves’?

BubblyBarbara · 24/05/2020 00:05

I think if you actually got to see half the stuff your OH says in private chats he’ll be complaining about other things like your sex life, how your relationship is going and all sorts, when these aren’t appropriate things to vent about at all. He should keep his feelings entirely to himself

NoMoreDickheads · 24/05/2020 00:06

He could've phrased it different'y, 'tedious' sounds nastier than 'tiring' or 'hard work,' but he didn't know he had an audience.

NoMoreDickheads · 24/05/2020 00:08

*differently

4Smalls · 24/05/2020 00:08

Everyone writes stupid crap in texts to old friends. You were completely in the wrong. Apologise and move on.

billy1966 · 24/05/2020 00:15

Tiring yes but tedious no.

I have never thought to read my husbands messages but i would be very hurt to read him describe looking after our first baby "tedious"...

He's hardly doing much.

Id be pissed off.

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