To be curious about boarding school children being at home all the time and the parents...

[blueglassandfreesias]

I wonder how it is having children around the house all the time when parents of boarders aren't used to it.
I saw something about Harrow/ Eton etc will not be re-opening until September.
For families who aren't used to dealing with their children daily, maybe some are re-thinking sending their children away and enjoying getting to know their kids.

@Mascotte that’s where you’re wrong! Do you think you don’t know know your children very well because you send them to school all day and don’t homeschool them?!

No, not really. Mine is home for all the holidays - and we have loooong holidays. We don't lose closeness with our kids when they board and mine LOVE it, we do weekly boarding so they can come home at weekends but they often have matches and outings and want to hang out with their friends at the weekends so they stay. It's nice to have them home but no different from school holidays - no change of plans.

Much better to have a proper catch up with the kids when they come back at the weekend, excited to see their parents and to fill them in on everything that’s happened that week, than to get the odd grunt from a 15 year old at the end of the day when they’re knackered after school and they just want you to stop nagging them about homework and eating vegetables!

I know because I went to boarding school and my parents did not know anything about my life. Because I was at school; not at home. It's not rocket science

And they would have said the same as the people who've jumped on me..

Age 12 / 13 most children were homesick and would have preferred to be at home for sure, parents would say they were ‘thriving’. It did change a lot by the time we left, most were happy and stayed away from home at weekends.

I felt for the students who had particularly awful times and their parents were oblivious or didn’t want to remove them. Looking back even more so.

Do you think you don’t know know your children very well because you send them to school all day and don’t homeschool them?!

Whatever the rights and wrongs, I don't think you can fairly compare the two scenarios. It's the norm for most people over the age of 5 to spend hours each day away from their family, be it at school or work; but they categorically live in one place, which is usually the same place as the other members of their nuclear family live.

Ask a boarder where they live and some might say their home address (with their parents), some might say their school, some might say both and others might hesitate before giving their answer. A child going to 'normal' day school (whether state or private) would instantly and unequivocally say their home with their parents.

I get that the holidays are longer, but children in a 'normal' school regime also have weekends and holidays between terms. Nevertheless, if you asked them "Are you a schoolboy/girl?", it wouldn't occur to them to say No, merely based on the incidental fact that they don't have to go at weekends or in the holidays - yet it's those incidental weekends and holidays (albeit a few weeks longer over the year) that parents of boarders are seizing on as 'justification' (if any were needed) that their children 'aren't really away at school all that much'.

I realise that plenty of parents disagree with me, as they have every right to do so, but I don't see why you'd cling on to those weekends and holidays when you get to see your kids, when you could have those plus the majority of hours every single day as well.

Maybe it just comes down to priorities and what you believe is most important for your child. I believe that growing up as part of a family where you spend time together every day is the main priority and then education/socialising with peers, whilst also very important, comes a definite second. Some families seem to make their children's best-possible education (which some perceive as being achieved by boarding) the main focus of their children's lives and then work their family life around that.

Tbh parents know little enough about their children's lives when they are at normal school ..must be even less if they are away at school...
It's not even arguable.

Always makes me laugh when people accuse others of being 'snobs'; it's such a defensive, snobbish attitude.

Put it another way

You are divorced, work full time, have your children during the week and your ex every weekend. You rush them around for 45 minutes in the morning, pick them up from childminder in the evening and it's pretty much diner/bedtime.

So your ex who spends every weekend with them knows them and you don't? Really?

Geekily crunching the numbers, a child at 'normal' school will have approx 7,517 hours a year to potentially spend with their parents; a boarder who comes home every weekend could have about 4,896 and for a boarder who stays at weekends and only comes home in the holidays, it's around 3,360.

It stands to reason that, however well you know your children, spending so much less time together with them is going to have an impact on your relationship. But regardless of the sheer number of hours, days or weeks, it's the regular continuity of contact, usually broken by no more than 6 or 7 hours, that I personally couldn't possibly fathom losing whilst they're still so young.

@destroyedpeople you would think that but as a non boarder in a normal school the amount of secrets I had from my parents was unbelievable.
In boarding school I got caught going to a party when I claimed I was studying at a friends by my mum who was on the other side of the world.
It's more difficult to keep things from your parents and as soon as I went to boarding school I would talk to my mum about everything and write letters.
Not saying it's the case for everyone but for me it was the opposite way round as I actually appreciated my parents as people because I didn't live with them.

When my DD was boarding Monday to Friday, I still saw a great deal more of her than my DSis did of hers who were in childcare from 7am to 7pm five days a week and with my parents most weekends and all of every school holidays.

Many working parents see very little of their children during the week.

Lots of children are weekly boarders.

The difference can be very little in terms of how much time families spend together.

I think people are forgetting about communication. Both my dc communicate with me whilst they are at school. We use FaceTime, text and phone. I see them at all home matches, plus concerts, exhibitions etc. I meet up with other parents and talk about what they are all up to.

When I talk to day parents, I don't feel like I know less about my child.

It is pretty much a full time job keeping up with boarding children!
They're good company, and it's great having them home! (They are pretty keen to see their mates in real life again though!)
I do feel sorry for kids that are 'sent away' against their wishes, and equally for kids that suffer abuse or neglect from their parents. It's not just a few boarding school parents that can screw their kids up. But most parents do the best for their kids, whatever the may be.

OneandTwenty - it's not just which days, though, but the gaps between seeing them. If I asked you if you had a good day today or have had a good weekend, it would be fresh in your mind to discuss and bond over sharing your excitements, frustrations and mundanities. However, if I asked you whether you'd had a good Thursday or even whole week three, four, five weeks ago - assuming that it had been a normal routine week for you (i.e. you weren't away on holiday, hadn't got married, hadn't started a new job, hadn't been bereaved etc), you wouldn't have a clue. In fact, you'd think me bonkers for even asking.

It's sharing the little insignificant everyday things of life that help so much with bonding and forming relationships. I suppose you could call or Skype every day for this, but as we've all found during lockdown, it just isn't the same as actually being there together, without other people and distractions.

Boarding school parents, believe what you will

Non boarding school parents, believe what you will.

Some boarding schools are open for key workers children, some children of diplomatic service employees working abroad are being cared for in uk boarding schools.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

None of my kids has been to boarding school so far, for various reasons. That might change, or might not.

I went to boarding school, and didn't have anything like a mobile phone and instant communication with my family! I was (and still am) really close to my parents. I am old enough that phones already existed and we used to actually write to each other.
I was a lot closer than some of my friends who were living at home.

i don't believe for a second that teenagers all happily pour their heart out and keep their parents updated on a daily basis of their mood and private life when living at home.

Even a 5 year old takes some work to come up with more than "I can't remember" about his day.

WeBuiltThisBuffet..
You obviously don't have a typical teenage boy!
Most will not divulge insignificant little anecdotes about their day at school!!

I have to admit, I've loved the way my dc's schools are keeping up with the pupils. We've had zoom sing-a-longs, bake offs, birthday drinks, photography competitions, inter school sports competitions, social meetings, family tasks, community volunteering projects, etc etc. Everything that would normally go on at school has just turned digital! It's really fun listening in and doing some of the stuff all together!

I don’t need daily anecdotes but I like having them around in the evenings. It’s quite interesting having a teen at home after not being there after the school day as a boarder.

Ask me one on sport

How well parents know their children likely has much more to do with how interested they are in their children’s lives, how affectionate and loving they are, how non-judgemental they are, how willing they are to put aside their own interests and watch a crap teen show on Netflix or play a computer game for the 100th time, how warm and welcoming they are to their child’s friends, how much quality time they make for their kids etc than which school they spend with them.

Close family relationships are about quality, not quantity, of the hours spent. A child at boarding school isn’t automatically going to have a worse relationship with their parents than a child at day school anymore than a child who is dropped off at breakfast club at 7:30am and isn’t picked up from after school club at 6pm will have a worse relationship than a child who is home schooled. Do parents who went back to work after maternity leave think they know their child less than a stay at home m? Do separated parents who share 50/50 care not know their children as well as a lone parent doing 100% of the care? Phones and video call exist so it’s not going to be like boarders are going weeks or months without contact from their families, presumably it’s possible for children and parents to talk daily if they choose.

I went to a normal comprehensive secondary school and I hated it, I was bullied and miserable. I had and still have a crap, distant relationship with my parents. To the posters who went to boarding school and blame it for the difficulties in their teenage years, are you sure living at home those things would have been any easier? If you felt unloved, uncared for or isolated at boarding school you likely would have felt just the same at home - it’s more likely because you had emotionally distant parents than because there was a physical distance. I certainly felt all of those things living at home with my family and attending my local day school.

Of course there are disinterested parents who send their kids to boarding school because it’s easier, but there are plenty of disinterested parents who send their kids to state schools too. Bad, emotionally unavailable parents are going to be bad, emotionally unavailable parents whichever schooling choices they make and equally good, loving parents will be good, loving parents wherever their children are attending school. I’m sorry to those posters who attended boarding school and hated it, but that doesn’t mean all boarding schools are bad places to send children any more than my hating my state secondary makes all state secondaries bad places to send children.

I get that using FaceTime etc makes it easier to keep up with teens at boarding school these days. But what do you do when they are four hours away and they FaceTime you sobbing because they’re being bullied or they’ve fallen out with a friend etc? No judgement in this question - it’s not for me but each to their own. But I genuinely don’t think I could bear that.