To be curious about boarding school children being at home all the time and the parents...

[blueglassandfreesias]

I wonder how it is having children around the house all the time when parents of boarders aren't used to it.
I saw something about Harrow/ Eton etc will not be re-opening until September.
For families who aren't used to dealing with their children daily, maybe some are re-thinking sending their children away and enjoying getting to know their kids.

You have a point Xenia but I couldn't for work reasons live in North London (and nor would I want to).

@ITonyah I’ve been enjoying your comments on this and other threads, but why suddenly make a random snide comment about North London? Doesn’t seem in character for you.

Also I really want to know which North London day schools you are all talking about - my son is only three and a half but we don’t plan to leave here, despite ITonyah’s disdain!

Yes everyone has to what feels right...it's just I do know how hard those north 'London private schools are to get into.

'Just move to north London and put your brilliant child in an an acadmic hot house' makes so many assumptions I wouldn't know where to start...

All these folk saying "you know they have long holidays right?"

True. BUT.

A large number of these parents then ship the kids off to 8-6pm summer camps, that run anything from 4-6 weeks over the summer holidays, a week over Christmas and Easter, and a week in the half-terms. I know, because I've worked at these camps.
They are often based in the grounds of private day schools, and a lot of the kids from that school attend as well.
I won't name the companies who run them, but they are EXPENSIVE.

Well when you are paying boarding scool fees you probably can't afford time off work...
How my brother does it with three children I don't know. Marrying a woman with a private fortune might have helped I suppose.

@ITonyah I’ve been enjoying your comments on this and other threads, but why suddenly make a random snide comment about North London? Doesn’t seem in character for you

I love North London, I referred to it as I was replying to Xenia about day schools and I thought thst was where she lived. I used to live there but cannot any more due to very particular work reasons! Saying I wouldn't want to meant I wouldn't want to give up my job.

On the old boarding schools being easier to get into I’m not sure what is at the same level in terms of difficulty.

Marsha, I'm sure there are statistics somewhere - but I don't really see how they would be helpful. Bearing in mind that 'getting in' is only the beginning of a heavy commitment. There must inevitably be a high degree of self-selection before anyone gets close to an entrance exam. I'd guess (and it's purely a guess) that a good 85-90% of parents aspiring to the top London day schools would never contemplate boarding, couldn't afford it even if they thought of it, and remain entirely in ignorance of the existence of substantial bursaries. So, to say "1 in 4 get into this boarding school, only one in ten get into this day school, therefore ..." wouldn't actually reflect the relative value of each place to the people who get in to either type of school.

Yes of course that is where she lives. Well some leafy far suburb anyway.

Xenia why do you keep referring to dc who don’t go to highly academic schools as ‘ the not so bright’? You obviously know it’s a put down so why do you do it?

@ITonyah yes, I realised why NL was a topic of conversation, was just taken aback at (nor would I want to) as it sounded like a sneer at anyone who might choose to live here. Glad that is not what you intended. We actually live within the N Circular, though I am vaguely aware of the leafy hinterlands beyond that still claim to be part of London and where I think all these schools are.

Because she likes putting down people who aren't as utterly brilliant as her own delightful offspring.

@ArgumentativeAardvaark 'leafy hinterlands' haha ha

DD is in her last year at school and desperately sad she won't get to see her friends in person before they all leave for pastures new.

She loves school, has good days and bad like all kids, looks forward to holidays, again like all kids, has a bit of a moan about going back, like all kids but once she's in the swing of things is happy and well rounded.

We are very close, our relationship hasn't suffered from her being a boarder. I would hazard a guess we are closer than many day school kids and their parents.

HTH op and all your supporters/defenders

Quite a few people don’t seem aware that some fee-paying schools, both day and boarding, have extremely competitive entrance exams. It’s not just a question of having enough money. In the past I’ve known absolutely loaded parents very upset because their child didn’t make it into their chosen ‘top’ school.

At the other end, some schools of both types will take virtually anyone whose parents can pay the fees.

Bloody hell do you really “not know”. Anyone who doesn’t physically live with you full time?

I boarded from 14 there were Longniddry holidays and now as an adult my parents are incredibly close with me still. I have a great relationship and appreciate the sacrifices they made to let me go to boarding school.

It was awesome. Those who send their children to uni aged 18 do they stop knowing them too then?

Well one things for sure, the boarding schools are keeping their pupils busy and educated during the lock down.
Which is more than can be said for a lot of other schools.

Yes my daughter would never have passed those kind of entrance exams. That does not make her less deserving of a good education. All her teachers liked her and she has a v high eq.
But according to some people theRe is only one kind of 'intelligence' that is how good you are at 'iq tests.

@Destroyedpeople That would be the obvious answer but I’m inclined to believe there must be another reason, so @Xenia i’d Really like to hear from you why?

@Mascotte

I've NC'd for this one just because it's quite outing, which is absolutely fine if someone recognises me, but I don't necessarily want it connecting to information I have divulged in other posts.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry your parents did what they did. Since I don't know them, I can't know their reasons for them sending them to whichever school they sent you to. Have you ever talked to them or do you not have that kind of relationship? My DH is in the same boat. He went to boarding school. A hideously old fashioned all boys one. His brother is seriously mentally scarred from his time there. My DH not so much as he is very easy going. I was totally and utterly against boarding schools and private schools in general having had a previous partner who also went to private school and he was also miserable and I had been to state and had a fab time. I once even had a blazing row with DH's dad about how absolutely awful and selfish and hideous the system was and the parents that sent their child away...

Then I went overseas, met DH, married and had a baby. We moved to another foreign country where DD grew up and went to the very small local primary. Then the time was coming for us to move again and we had a very difficult decision to make.

In consultation with our DD we agreed that she would go to boarding school. It was a hard decision, made harder by the fact DD has dyspraxia but due to DH's job and the country we were moving to, we had no choice. We looked at loads of schools online and chose one we thought she might like. We went to visit it and she loved it. Did the entrance assessment and was accepted.

And although it's hard to be away from each other, she seriously adores it. It's a very small school, not famous, middle of the road for results, but pastoral care is excellent. 30% of the children are on scholarships and even more on bursaries. Her housemistress is a huggy lady and DD loves hugs. She has totally blossomed in the school (she was badly bullied in her primary school because of her colour), her confidence and abilities have come on in leaps and bounds and it was the best decision we could possibly have made. She is now desperate to return to be with her friends.

When she is at school, we speak most days, although she regularly gets chatting with her friends and forgets! The three of us chat about all sorts of things, what we have all been up to etc and then sometimes, just she and I have a chat and she tells me about more personal stuff, fallouts with friends (rare), or anything she is struggling with. She knows that if she is properly unhappy (not just unhappy because she had a bad maths lesson or had a disagreement with a friend), then we will look at other options. And we have raised her such that she is MORE than happy to speak up when something vexes her!

I guess after all that blabbering, what I wanted to say it that I'm genuinely sorry you had a miserable time at school, like my husband, but not all schools are awful and some children really, genuinely have a fab time. I wish you could talk to her so you would know it wasn't just wishful thinking or burying my head in the sand!

I don't believe for a second that teenagers all happily pour their heart out and keep their parents updated on a daily basis of their mood and private life when living at home.

Even a 5 year old takes some work to come up with more than "I can't remember" about his day.
You obviously don't have a typical teenage boy!
Most will not divulge insignificant little anecdotes about their day at school!!

This is true – and my son is still a few years off being a teenager – but does that mean you just shrug and then leave them to it, without trying to engage or encourage them? Taken to extremes, wouldn't that potentially just reduce your relationship with them to that of disengaged housekeeper/servant rather than parent? I’m not talking about witty 15yo raconteurs regaling you with dramatic reconstructions of their days, but there are other signs and ways of communicating too. You can often tell from their manner if a teenager is happy, worried or on edge about something without them speaking a word.

Some posters seem to not realise that some boarding schools offer an education far, far superior to any outstanding state school.

But what’s the difference between being a day pupil and a boarder at the same excellent expensive private school? Why does living away from your family during all of your non-educational time give you a better education? I understand that brilliant, well-qualified, experienced teachers will give your child a better academic education than you could yourself, but when the lessons are over, why will your child automatically be more successful just because somebody other than you cooked their dinner or provided their bedroom? Professional driving instructors usually do a much better job than your mum or dad would, but once you've finished learning and passed your test, you don't leave your family and friends at home and drive off on holidays and to festivals with your instructor, do you?

Family tea is nice but it wouldn't be a reason for me not to choose a brilliant school

Where do you stop with providing ‘better’ in all spheres of life, though? If you knew a family with a huge garden and their own amazing sports facilities or able to offer other life experiences better than you probably could – e.g. if your child lived with the Kanneh-Masons, they would very likely become accomplished musicians with all of the musical brilliance and support available within the family; or a family who speak 5 major languages fluently between them – would you ask them to look after your child during all of the holidays, if academic or artistic excellence are more important than spending time with their own family?

Bloody hell do you really “not know”. Anyone who doesn’t physically live with you full time?

Nobody is saying that you don't know them at all, but of course, the more time you spend with somebody, the better you get to know them. Apart from a very few exceptions, you don't get many happily married couples who would arbitrarily choose to live in different towns (i.e. not necessary for work etc.) and just get together at the weekends for, erm, intimate relations. She prefers the art and social scene in London but he finds Edinburgh much more personally enriching, so they each live with friends during the week where they thrive better? Wouldn't you expect both of them to be jealous of each other's respective friends/housemates?

It was awesome. Those who send their children to uni aged 18 do they stop knowing them too then?

I can well imagine that it's tough waving your child off to university and a lot of parents in this position have attested to how much they miss them - but you really can't compare letting an adult go and make their own way in the adult world with an 11/12/13yo. An 18yo can do almost anything that every other adult can do; an 11yo isn't allowed to go into the corner shop if there are already two other children in there

@Xenia, As you haven’t replied, I will conclude that you are ashamed of your language, rightfully so and won’t be repeating it again.

Our 2 dc have between them attended 8 schools. Ranging from small local village primary, home ed (a disaster!), to large, all full boarding school. They understand if they are not happy, they can try a different type of school. They have both been to state, private day, and settled finally in boarding schools.

According to lots of people on this thread, that makes me a bad parent who is uninterested in their dc. Actually, it is just the opposite. I have been determined to find the educational setting that suits them best. I count happiness as being more important than exam results. We sought bursaries if the schools we tried were out of our financial reach. That is NOT being disinterested or unloving towards your dc. In fact, it is a great sacrifice we make to give our dc a more pleasant education.

On the old boarding schools being easier to get into I’m not sure what is at the same level in terms of difficulty

I think it's 'easier' given the catchment, my oldest sailed into Winchester and Eton & didn't get a second look at Westminster but as @PerditaProvokesEnmity you're not really comparing like for like.

My youngest is at Westminster and I'm sure they'd love to swap him for my Etonian because he academically outperforms him in every aspect. That aside, they both fit their schools' respective 'types' in every way.

Of course Westminster is a boarding school, but... not really.

but does that mean you just shrug and then leave them to it, without trying to engage or encourage them?

you seem to assume that all parents have hours to spend with their kids. On a normal weekday, by the time we come back to work and they are back from clubs etc, there's not much time to engage. Most of us still have work to do in the evening.

I am not pretending that my kids are neglected, but we don't have hours of "family time" every day of the week. They would feel suffocated anyway!

Id say 90.5% of parents send there children to boarding school for the fantastic opportunities and the activities and the experience they get , then 9.4% are usually forces families that do it to give there children a stable home while they have to move so much , and then possibly 0.1% that send them off because they don't want them around ...boarding school gives you fantastic opportunities have excellent house tutors that look after them , they do loads of after school activities , have very comfortable dorms etc , I considered boarding for my oldest who would have started in September but due to other factors he will be going to the feeder for his current school , which is brilliant and he has a lot of friends going , he not a homesick child he has been on many school trips away and he waves us off happily and is too busy to miss us especially as he's with his mates😂it would really suit him, he's also very academic especially with maths and we will r reconsider when he's 13, my middle child would will be in year 6 in September would not be ok , she's much more of a home body and does get home sick and is very close with our youngest an d they would miss each other madly, she's not as academic (brilliant artist though) and wouldn't benefit as much, my youngest is 4 so too young to know ... I really don't think any parent with a boarding child will be coping much differently to how we all are ...in fact most private schools have much better home school provisions so they are probably copying better if anything due to this , boarding children are over all more independent so would be easier if you were working from home ...also boarding children that don't live abroad go home much more than you would think , they are home most weekends and holidays etc so there parents won't need to get to know them as they already do! it's rare for children under 11 to board and most go at 13 ...so they've spent most there lives at home X