To ask how much you’re still reliant on your parents?

[thecatsabsentcojones]

I was having a chat with someone today who still gets quite a lot of financial help from their parents. Her relationship has broken up, she’s a single mum and in a series of freelancing jobs, which albeit being really fun to work in aren’t well paid in that sector. She was saying that amongst her friends it’s really common to have a top up from parents because pay is now so low in comparison to the cost of living.

It’s causing her conflict with her parents who are fed up of subsidising her to work in an industry which is lovely to work in, so they’re asking if she could make changes to her career to perhaps earn more. The skills she has are pretty transferable to other industries. She feels it’s not easy to make the leap and earn much more money.

How much help do people get generally? And what happens with the next generation, who will be there to help them out if there’s the same issues of high property costs and low pay?

Not since 18

I had co-worker, however, whose DH has ADHD and uses that as the reason he cannot finish school (he's 40+, been at it for 8 years), work at any sort of a job, drive himself to the pharmacy, make dinner, grocery shop, mind the kids for longer than 45 minutes, set an alarm, etc..

She works, but is always scrambling to make ends meet, and seems to enjoy enabling her spouse. Therefore, she is quite dependent on her well-off parents. I'd think she'd be embarrassed, but she says, "Well, they wanted grandchildren, so they've got to pay for them!"

Don't mean to be uncharitable, but the stories she'd tell of his behavior was just so disheartening: "DH can't drive himself to the dentist (in our small town). He gets lost, so I must leave early!"

Yep, full house here, monthly allowance, wedding, house deposts x 4, boilers, childcare, one offs, you name it, they've offered and I've taken. They can afford it and do the same for my 2 brothers.
I'll do the same for my 2 when their older as well. Why ever not?
I'm 52.

No help after going to work myself. My daughter: Free board and lodging while at university with lots of meals out ext included. Whole wedding for over a hundred paid for, including dress, 6 bridgesmaids 5 course dinner, photographer.f lowers cake, evening reception .the lot. Several holidays abroad for herself and husband then with children when they came along. Later some paid half for holidays. A few, about 7, 2 day mother and daughter spa breaks. Will sometimes still go halves with certain things. EG. dgs needs a new bed. Willing to pay half. Paid half loaned half for last car.Some other stuff which mounts up but don't want to include. Love her to bits. She is sole provider in her household with a dh who has mental health issues. She is a very hard worker and very loving to us. Also a good mother. Will always help her if we can but ....proviso ...so long as she's working hard herself, we don't need to go without ourselves to do it and she is genuinely appreciative. She never asks for hand outs. Sometimes gets a loan near payday or if the washing machine breaks down but such loans are always paid back in the agreed way. We always make clear what is a gift and what is a loan. We always expect and get loans paid back.

I had a part time job at 13 and from then have paid for all my own toiletries and going out clothes. Mum and dad paid for anything to do with school, everything else I did on my own. When u started full time work at 18 mum and dad got 1/3 off my wages for board and keep. If I used their car I filled it with petrol. I left home at just turned 20 and have paid my own way ever since. My parents contributes a small amount to our wedding and when we renovated our bathroom they surprised me by giving us some money towards it.
I would never dream of asking them for money and would be ashamed to do so on a regular basis.

I left home to get married in my Teens, i never asked for any help from my Parents, they would have given me the world if i needed it but i would be ashamed to go cap in hand. 5 of my 6 are all adults and have never asked for help ( yes, i would help if it was urgent, but not every month)
My Friend does all the childcare for her Daughter and constantly bails her out with food shopping and money whilst her Daughter goes to concerts every month and buys expensive clothes every week when my friend has only 2 pairs of shoes to her name.

None, my parents are dead.
But if they were alive, I know they'd give me their last penny.

They have in the past but never on a regular basis. I'm of the opinion you work for your own money, family help is for emergencies. So, mine helped after my divorce and I paid them back.

I can't afford to help my adult children unless it's an emergency. One manages to earn r enough live in London. She shares a flat, has a long bus ride to work and budgets properly. That's the reality of life as she is an adult.

I'm in my 30s and I don't rely on my parents for anything financially and haven't needed their financial support since I graduated when I was 22. I could have managed without receiving another penny from them since then. However, I think it wouldn't be telling the whole truth to say I don't rely on them financially, because although that is true, I have received money from them which I could have managed without, but which has massively improved my financial position.

My parents paid my rent (about £350/month) when I was at university and gave me £3,000 towards my master's degree (which cost £13,000 in total). I also lived at home for quite a few years when I was working, and only paid a small amount of rent, which enabled me to pay for the rest of my master's degree (which I did whilst working full time) and save towards a deposit. They also gave me and my brother both a larger sum of money a few years ago which he spent on a deposit for his house and we spent partly on our wedding and the rest went towards our deposit. My husband's parents also gave us some money towards our wedding which basically covered the food and drink for "their" family and friends, and my husband also received some money in an elderly relative's will, which went towards our deposit.

This is all the financial help we've had since leaving school. We could have managed without any of it, but we would not be in the same financial position now.

I've had nothing from my parents other than a short-term loan when I was at university (when the tax office took emergency tax for months). This loan was repaid literally the day that my tax refund went into my bank account. It rankles that even now my mother forgets this was a loan, and occasionally mentions it as a gift. It wasn't.

When I worked 7 days a week in my "gap" year between school and university, they charged me rent.

Although I'd have doubtless loved a parental pot of cash to dip into when I was a student, I have enough pride that I'd be mortified if I was accepting handouts as an adult. Cut your cloth, etc.

The idea of accepting a monthly allowance from my parents as an adult, @ShandlersWig makes my toes curl with embarrassment.

I had no help from mine at all. They begrudged me going to university and I am glad I never asked them. I think your friend is very cheeky but to be fair her parents just need to say no.

But why @fungster? What's the harm?

I think asking for money and being offered it are two very different things. I've never asked my mum for money, but she has offered it at various points and wants to give it to us. Refusing would just be silly as a) it's money I'm going to get anyway b) my my mum wants to give it to me and c) it makes our lives easier. Refusing on principle is kind of cutting your nose off to spite your face. You don't benefit from it and the giver who wants you to have it doesn't get to do that.

I'm looking forward to being able to help my daughter out with a start in life: a house deposit, help through uni, etc. And I'm very fortunate we will be able to do so.

I hope that the people whose parents didn’t contribute anything towards uni were not in the bracket whose parents were expected to provide a top up to the government maintenance loan? The government expects that parents do this, based on parental income, I thought? I know some situations may mean that despite a relative high parental income they may have high outgoings and be genuinely unable to contribute much towards uni costs. But if you’re a parent who can, yet chooses not to, despite the system being set up for parents to contribute something, I think that is very mean indeed.

My parents helped me with uni living costs, lent me money for my first car (old banger) to get to my first job after uni, which I paid back in instalments. They bought us a chest of drawers when DH and I moved in to a rental together, gave us some money, maybe 2k, towards our wedding, lent us money to get our bathroom done when it all started leaking etc and paid for cottage accommodation to go on family holidays all together when my kids were little and we couldn’t otherwise afford it. Mum used to bung me a box of formula or pack of nappies when the kids were babies and I didn’t work for a couple of years. Now we’re mid 40s and we are better off they still pay for some things as they get enjoyment from it, they say, eg the whole meal when it’s one of their birthdays and they invite us to it. Or i’ll Go out for lunch with mum and she’ll insist on paying some of the time. And I know they pay into savings for the grandkids eventual uni costs. They are very comfortable in retirement and generous in that way, I think.

There is absolutely no way I would ever ask them for day to day living costs. I do know people who have consistently lived beyond their means and then had money trouble when say, their car needed a new tyre etc, and gone running to their parents for a loan, despite having a good salary. Shameful, that.

But people do fall on genuinely hard times sometimes despite their best efforts. Especially these days with the job situation being shit, cost of everything being so high, stagnating salaries etc, so I think it’s sad that some parents who can afford to help in a genuine one off crisis (not living beyond your means) just cut purse strings altogether to their adult offspring and tell them they’re on their own. It’s just nasty, that.

I also find it a bit sad when people vehemently say their children won't get anything from them. Can't get is one thing - if you can't afford it then of course you can't - but I find won't a bit sad, really. I want to help my daughter have a nice life. It doesn't mean she won't be a hard worker - both DH and I are - but that we can make her life more pleasant and enjoyable and give her a good start. Why wouldn't you want to do that for your child?

We're fairly reliant upon both sets of parents because we're skint. We also help our parents as they need it though with things like cleaning and other heavy household tasks. As my dad is getting older and more frail my sister and I are supporting him more with banking and things like that.

My parents supported me through university so I didn’t have any debt, but since then the only thing they’ve paid for is half my wedding - for which I am very grateful. We could definitely have done it without them, but it let us have the day we wanted. Apart from that I’ve always been independent. I’m 30.

My DSis however has stayed with them rent free for several months in between jobs, and my DBro for about 9 months before starting his masters, so it depends on our individual situations. They’ve always been clear they expect us to stand on our own two feet and they wouldn’t let us stay for free if we didn’t already have a job/course lined up or we’re at least applying like mad. They both came from poor backgrounds and my mum especially had friends who were given everything on a plate where she thinks it had a negative impact overall as it removed all individual drive and ambition, so they were careful to instil an ethic of being proud of being financially independent in us.

Exactly, @ScarfLadysBag what's to gain by saying no and turning away a very kind and generous offer?

I get a lot of help, mainly practical and emotional. I'm mid 30s and became very unwell in pregnancy three years ago and am now disabled and unable to work.

My parents help a lot with DS in terms of childcare, looking after him so I can go to hospital appointments etc, or to give me a break. DH works overseas and we can't afford for him to quit until he finds another job. We moved to be a mile away from my parents so they could help us.

Prior to this, help stopped after uni as I got a well paid job. However they'd randomly pay for meals out, theatre etc. Similarly I'd buy my mum tickets to something.

My parents paid a fair chunk of our wedding but it was their choice, we had the budget to pay for it ourselves. My parents are very wealthy and give my brother more financial help than me. I'm not in complete agreement with their approach but it's their money and I'd rather the practical and emotional support.

I'm very aware if DH and I were to divorce I'd be very reliant on my parents financially, and I feel embarrassed that I'm financially reliant on DH or my parents for the foreseeable future but I didn't choose to get ill. I'm very lucky to have my parents and my DH.

We’ve had help for emergencies a couple of times but have always paid it back! Normally though we don’t rely on them at all! DH family are a nightmare for just giving you £20 randomly though.. I drove my MIL 5-10 minutes down the road a few months back and she insisted that she buy lunch and give £20 fuel money 🤦‍♀️ If she won’t take no for an answer we put it in our DC bank accounts.

I’ve never replied on my parents. They’ve never been supportive and never supported me. I’ve not seen them for over a dozen years and I’m happy about that.

I don’t rely on my parents financially. They bought us a table and chairs when we got our first house and mum got me a tumble dryer one winter. If I needed it I could ask.

I have a friend who relays on the bank of mum and dad. Her and her Dh are in average paying jobs £30k each and her parents paid for the house they live in. Her parents pay for their holidays, new card and the children’s private school fees. I find it very odd that we can be out shopping and she will text her dad all day with photos of shoes, coats and bags and he will transfer the money over to her so she can buy them. I just couldn’t imagine asking my parents to buy me a new handbag

@ShandlersWig It sounds like you are extremely wealthy and if your DD isn’t, and couldn’t afford to, say, go to the expensive restaurant or spa or holiday of YOUR choice, then personally I don’t see anything wrong in doing that if you get a lot out of it in terms of pleasure at enjoying it being together with her.

It would be far worse to invite her to this expensive weekend away or that fancy spa of your preference but expecting her to pay for herself and putting her in an awkward position financially as she couldn’t really afford it. I’ve seen that happen with things like hen and stag situations. People feel forced into accepting the invite because it’s someone they’re close to but really can’t afford to spare the money and it ends up causing bad feeling.

It must be lovely being wealthy enough to go on nice weekends away etc with your adult daughter knowing that you were giving both of you a treat. I mean, you could always choose to do something within her financial means so that she could afford to pay for her share herself but if you would prefer to go somewhere fancier and can well afford to cover her share then I really don’t know what the issue is.

Absolutely nothing since I was 16.

Never occurred to me that this was a thing.
I do t know anyone who has financial help from family.

Came from a family who were never in any position to offer financial help anyway.

Nothing since I left home. Surely that’s normal? My parents have treated me things occasionally or taken me for a meal ohh huh, as I have them, but I wouldn’t see them as a buffer to my income or bank balance. That is beyond entitled.