To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

YANBU to ensure that at his age he has some independence - he's perfectly capable of making some cereal or toast and it will be much easier when your baby comes along.

YABU to pass comment on your XDH's girlfriend being much younger and unemployed. What they do at their house is their business - what you do at your house is yours.

My ds 5 makes his own breakfast.
His own choice.
Your ex is training your dc to need a maid. Was he a sexist pig?
Do not get into a conversation with him op.

A 13 year old is more than capable of fixing some toast or a bowl of cereal. Yanbu

My DD12 has been making her own breakfast for the past 2 years. Sometimes she has cereal/toast, sometimes scrambled eggs/poached eggs.
It’s good for them to gain some independence!

yes i would expect this - when i was 12 i had to cook my breakfast and
my own tea after school as both parents were working full time.

But if my DP is anything to go by - he still cuts up his almost 13 year olds food... don't get me started on that

My children have made their own breakfasts since they were about 6 (possibly younger). It’s cereal. Now 10 year old will make her own porridge or toast. They both make their own lunches too. I believe our job as parents is to raise independent, self sufficient, resilient humans. How is that possible if you’re doing everything for them?!

My 13 year old DS can and does get his own cereal and makes his own toast. He can make porridge in the microwave. (He has ASD and poor fine motor skills)
11 year old DD for breakfast will make herself (and us) poached eggs and avocado on toast all by herself, cups of tea, and other normal breakfast stuff.
DS2 who is 9 can make a bowl of cereal, he asks for help making toast.

@0nwardsAndUpwards What I mean by that is that she's got lots of spare time on her hands - she has never worked since she met him as has no children. I work ft usually (although stating mat leave today as I'm 38 weeks).

Whilst absolutely what they do at theirs is up to them, the fact that she is treated like a bit of a hand maiden makes it tricky for me iyswim? Like I'm the bad guy for trying to encourage independence? Half of the time they are used to a culture of having everything done for them.

*and has no children that should read.

Gosh no YANBU.

@Windyatthebeach Incredibly sexist - women are second class citizens and their role is to serve men. He went MAD at me when I returned to teaching one day a week when I was married to him - my place was in the home!

It's only not unreasonable if they were fully aware of this expectation.
However, if also ask why at 1045am you hadn't asked that they had had a breakfast of you know this is what happens.

I agree with developing independence BUT this smacks of you're having a baby with new partner and they need to fend for themselves. I wonder if that is how the ex and children will perceive this too?

I would reiterate to your dc that you've different rules in your house and they should get their own breakfast. By the time I was 13 I could get my own breakfast, lunch and dinner. My 4 year old ds can get yogurt from the fridge and fruit to eat with it.

Please do not allow your dc to be trained into being a fucking nightmare for any future partners.

My 6yo made peanut butter on toast for both of us yesterday.

Yanbu.

I'd make breakfast for him every now and then as a treat just as dp does for me and I do for him because it's a nice thing to do. I typically make breakfast for ds because he's very young and don't expect him to make it all the time yet. But a 12yo should not be expecting breakfast to be made for them regularly.

Definitely not! You’re doing him a great favour in helping him to be self-sufficient, independent and able to look after himself. Plus, exactly as you’ve said, reinforcing the idea that he should be an equal contributor in all aspects when he’s old enough to have a relationship. These things are hugely important.

If you want to make him a special breakfast once in a while to treat him that’s different (I still visit my grown-up daughters sometimes, well ordinarily I do, and cook for them, because they like it and it makes them feel looked after), but no, his idea that you should do so because that’s how it works at his dads house is tied up in all sorts of unhealthy patterns so no, I’d be disabusing him of that notion real quick.

@Nicknamegoeshere unfortunately that's the reality of children that move between two households.

I don't mean that to sound arsey - I have a DSD who splits her time 50/50 between us and her Mums, so I do understand it's difficult when what's expected in one household isn't upheld in another.

Maybe your DS is old enough for the two do you to sit and chat about it?

'I know that when you're at Dad's, his DP has time to make breakfast for you every morning, but things are different here with us and therefore it's important to me that you can make your own. Not only that, there will come a time when you don't live with me, or Dad, and it's my job as your parent to make sure that when that time comes you know how to take care of yourself, and then any family that you may have too. Preparing basic meals is a start to that so I would really like you to get on board with this.'

YANBU. Important life skills. If they do nothing around the home, I’d start expecting them to do certain things in order to receive pocket money (if they receive it), or time on Xbox etc.

I’d actually have your eldest make a family dinner once a week too - some people get into adulthood and have never cooked a meal! Embarrassing really.

Are you only just now expecting them to become independent?
At 12 it should be the norm that he feeds himself in the morning regardless of what happens at dads.
My 10yo gets himself breakfast every morning and makes his own packed lunch when at school, he can make simple lunches, sandwiches, beans on toast, stick a pizza in the oven.
I have no idea what happens at his dads house, its completely irrelevant to what happens in mine.

@SoloMummy He knows the expectation, but sides with his father that I'm being unreasonable so won't get it himself.

Maybe tell your dc if they aren't mature enough to make their own breakfasts you will have to consider if they should have a phone /their own money /insert other tool here... Because they can't have it both ways..

YANBU My DD has been getting her own breakfast since the age of 7!

@blubellsarebells Is it 50/50 with you guys too? It is here unfortunately so what happens at his father's has a huge impact re expectations.

Do you mean your son can’t actually get a bowl and put some cereal and milk into himself? Or make himself some toast? He needs to grow up!

No wonder your ex is an ex!