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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 11:48

@CorianderLord Exactly that. My ex has told my son that my fiancé is an "idiot" for making dinner when there is a woman in the house!!!

OP posts:
user3274826 · 15/05/2020 11:49

My eldest is very nearly 13. I started to expect him to make his own breakfast some time this year, but will often do it for him very begrudgingly on busy school days or he will make us all late/not have anything. Since lockdown, he's had to make it independently every day, along with lunch most days. His lunch has not been particularly healthy as a result, lots of mug shots, noodles, tinned soups etc but it's all learning and he's learnt to cook eggs different ways and pasta and build some confidence with the easy things with my neglect. I've had similar over the years though with my workshy ex, who also has a long term unemployed girlfriend and they've been judgy about things over the years, like getting him to run his own bath, wash his own hair, bed times etc, their parenting is very far from perfect so it's very hard to take criticism from them but I've mostly learnt the art of ignoring.

Colom · 15/05/2020 11:50

My not quite yet four year old gets her own cereal in the morning! Shocking that a 13 year old wouldn't. Nip it in the bud OP before those gender stereotypes ruin your sons. I fear at 13 they may already be deeply embedded...

missyB1 · 15/05/2020 11:51

This isn’t about whether a 13 year old can make breakfast or not - and actually that would depend on what they wanted to eat and whether you had taught them.

This sounds more like issues between you and your ex, and the change in family dynamics with a new baby on the way. Be mindful of how your kids might be feeling about all that. They might say they are thrilled excited blah blah but they will probably still have feelings of insecurity/ anxiety about where all this leaves them.

Tiredmum100 · 15/05/2020 11:51

My ds 8 will make breakfast for himself and his 6 year old brother. Yanbu to expect a 13 year old to be able to sort his own breakfast.

madcatladyforever · 15/05/2020 11:53

I've never heard anything so ludicrous, does he want to let his son grow up into a hopeless manchild? I'd say to your son that you are not a maid, get off your arse and help out and has he never heard of equality before?
My son was cooking for us at 13 if I was late home from work, washing and ironing his own clothes, making his bed and tidying his room and helping out with the garden at the weekend and he had an early morning paper round.

LycraLovingLass · 15/05/2020 11:54

I occasionally make my 7 year old breakfast if I am in the kitchen when he wants it. My older two always make their own (unless they wanted it at the same time as their brother) they are 12 and 15. They quite often make their own lunch too as I am working from home.

Yanbu how hard it is it to pour a bowl of cereal!

RandomMess · 15/05/2020 11:55

I would just stick to facts.

My role as a parent is to teach you how to do things so that when you are 18 and an adult you are capable of looking after yourself properly, that starts when you are little like going to the toilet, getting dressed all the way up to making meals and washing clothes.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 15/05/2020 11:58

My 10 and 13 year old dcs make their own breakfasts unless I'm making pancakes or a cooked breakfast. Most DC shouldn't have a problem managing this.

inwood · 15/05/2020 11:58

My 9 yos have been making toast and getting cereal / yogurt / fruit for a good couple of years. They can make scrambled / fried eggs and make a pancake mix although I like to be in the vicinity if they are using the hob,

ViciousJackdaw · 15/05/2020 11:58

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé

Bloody hell, labour's going to sting a bit...

Ellmau · 15/05/2020 12:00

He knows the expectation, but sides with his father that I'm being unreasonable so won't get it himself.

So he can do without then.

Bubblebu · 15/05/2020 12:00

i guess so long as you can say to yourself absolutely hand on heart that this debate is about whether your son is at the appropriate level of independence or competence and judge it on that basis and is NOT a lingering mental debate between you and your estranged ex (along the lines of your ex thinking "well i have a "gorgeous" girlfriend who has lots of time on her hands to dote on my son" verses your "well i am about to give birth so I would like my son to show more independence and anyway it is appropriate not to dote on your kids too long or they become spoilt" etc etc

  • then i would just decide in your own head what is right by your son and do that - and ignore what happens at his Dad's house. You cannot control it and it is not appropriate for either you or your ex to feel obliged to align with the others parenting style because of any unspoken ongoing parent-parent dispute.

(PS on a personal level I think 13 is well old enough to get cereal / toast )

Jojobar · 15/05/2020 12:01

YANBU.

I do know people like this, whose teenage DC sit like little prince and princesses while their mums (and it is always the mums) skivvy round after them.

My DC could get cereal for themselves at 3 or 4, and were using a toaster from probably 6ish, and by 10 upwards could do scrambled eggs in the microwave, or heat some beans. One child I know was making a full cooked breakfast for her whole family at weekends by the age of 11! I did ask pre-lockdown to borrow her to inspire my DC Grin

Allflightscancelled · 15/05/2020 12:01

In our house either DH or I make breakfast and we also make some for DD if she is up and wants some. If she isn't up (she's 16 so this is v common) or doesn't want what we're having, she either makes her own or goes without. Her choice. I can tell from her demeanour that she doesn't really think this is on, and that I should make her something, but she wouldn't dare say so Grin

GU24Mum · 15/05/2020 12:02

Ridiculous (on their part, not yours of course!).

Mine are getting up close and personal with all sorts of domestic chores at the moment. He obviously wasn't that hungry if he waited til 10.45 to ask you!

Thehop · 15/05/2020 12:02

You’re being unreasonable not to I still some independence in them ASAP.

My 10 year old made us enchiladas last night.

I work in a nursery where 4 year olds make their own cereal.

Their father is a prick so you’ll have to work hard to even their emotional education up unfortunately.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/05/2020 12:05

My ex has told my son that my fiancé is an "idiot" for making dinner when there is a woman in the house!!!

What an absolute arsehole speaking that way to his own DC. He's clearly an epic wanker.

Fuck him. Tell your son "in this house we all chip in" and repeat it til he gets the message. 13 is old enough by far to be preparing meals let alone his own breakfast and as adults your sons will need those life skills to care for themselves.

Don't let your Ex's shitty parenting affect yours. You know your DC need to become more independent and self-sufficient. You know that if they do get married their wives/partners won't tolerate that sort of "it's women's work" bullshit from them. You know you're doing the right thing. Stand firm and get them involved in cooking, cleaning and generally being great humans who can care for themselves.

Lynda07 · 15/05/2020 12:07

I honestly do not understand why a boy of thirteen cannot do his own breakfast, most would. They get up, go to kitchen, make a drink and some toast or cereal, it's not rocket science.

It really is appalling that the boy 'expects' you to do something so very simple and he was rude to say as much.

Your ex should know better than to stir the pot, it isn't his business how jobs are divided in your household. I doubt your children are neglected and at the moment you deserve some consideration, being 38 weeks pregnant.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/05/2020 12:07

Breakfast in my house has always been cereal, except for occasional weekend treats, and exam days.
Able-bodied children should certainly be able to make their own breakfast, and clear up afterwards. Why would you train your boys to expect to be waited on? And what have they got to do all day anyway? It's a bit much that they expect their pregnant mum to be running around after them.
But for a laugh you could offer breakfast at 7:30 like you might on a school morning. And like Windyatthe beach says:
"Maybe tell your dc if they aren't mature enough to make their own breakfasts you will have to consider if they should have a phone /their own money /insert other tool here... Because they can't have it both ways.."

okiedokieme · 15/05/2020 12:08

My kids have made their own breakfast from about 8 on non school days (unless I'm cooking a brunch) and made lunches too, from 11 they have cooked main family meals - my dd cooked easter lunch for the whole (expanded due to lockdown, I collect waifs and strays it seems) household. Self sufficiency is a skill that all young people need. That said it sounds more like he's resenting the new siblings arrival, it's not really about breakfast - you need to talk to him to reassure him you will love him equally. Even my level headed and amazing cook for a dd has told me she doesn't want a new sibling (I'm in a newish relationship after her df left me) lucky for her that isn't the intention, I'm too old probably anyway. Kids are very unsettled by half siblings arriving, be aware

LoisLanyard · 15/05/2020 12:10

My 11 year old gets his own breakfast. And occasionally makes us all lunch or dinner. When I was 13 i was definitely getting my own breakfast, I can't believe you would be criticised for encouraging your child to do this too! This is very much not your problem - your ex needs to mind his own business!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/05/2020 12:11

Well when your ex new gf leaves him, which she probably will, they will very quickly learn to make their own. How much time do the spend with you currently?

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 15/05/2020 12:12

Not only did mine make their own breakfast at 13 that was the age they all started doing their own ironing.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 15/05/2020 12:16

My 5 and 3 year olds are able to make their own breakfast (cereal and milk) and have a go at buttering then adding jam to their toast. (3 year old has to be watch as she eats more butter than what gets on her toast)

Isn’t it normal for a 13 year old to be able to fend for themselves sort out breakfast?