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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 15/05/2020 12:16

He knows the expectation, but sides with his father that I'm being unreasonable so won't get it himself.

Well the life lesson here if that if he doesn't get off his arse, he goes hungry.

Tell your ex to take you to court over it if he cites neglect.

He won't cos he knows your son is perfectly capable of doing it himself.

His father can try and tell him differently all he likes, he can still go hungry.

I would be insisting he does more chores the more he displays sexist attitudes tbh.

mencken · 15/05/2020 12:16

explain repeatedly that the maid lives in the other house. There isn't one in your house so he gets his own breakfast or goes hungry.

and not behaving as you expect means loss of privileges. The chunkphone is a great discipline aid with modern children.

cologne4711 · 15/05/2020 12:17

At 12 it should be the norm that he feeds himself in the morning

Oh well, I still make my son's breakfast now and he's 17! But that's because if I didn't, he'd go out without having any, and I think he needs breakfast before college. ("making breakfast" = putting cornflakes in a bowl and leaving it out for him). If it's there he will eat it.

At the moment, he's obviously not bothering, but if he is hungry when he gets up, he gets himself a bowl, eg this morning he did. Somehow, despite my not training him when he was 5 years old, he's worked out at some point over the years how to pour cereal into a bowl and get milk out of the fridge. Despite my inadequate "parenting".

cologne4711 · 15/05/2020 12:18

(obviously not bothering because not going out to college)

winniesanderson · 15/05/2020 12:21

My 10 year old dd makes her own breakfast every morning. Normally cereal or brioche and fruit. She also makes her own lunch everyday and her lunch box every evening when at school. She has a bit of help if cutting cheese though I try and get her to practise with supervision or grate it. She loves a cheese toastie in one of those reusable bags you can get and it was lovely to see how chuffed she was with herself the first few times she made them. If it's a special occasion or I'm doing a cooked breakfast I offer to everyone. Else we all get our own, apart from the toddler.

I see a huge difference in how my daughters generation are growing up as a whole. Everything's quick, easily delivered, there's a service for almost everything. The distraction of screens etc. I really want her to learn to be self sufficient and look after herself well. At 11 I was collecting 2 siblings from school and taking them back home, preparing snacks etc. While my single parent worked until late afternoon.

So I'm definitely with you, but I'd try and ignore your ex the best you can. And just work with your dc.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2020 12:21

Could you turn this around and teach them to be incredibly grateful to their father's girlfriend?

Your expectations are normal. She is doing something very, very kind for them, because she has time and chooses to so it.

This attitude, if conveyed with gratitude by them, will have the bonus effect of winding up your sexist dinosaur ex no end!

LemonBreeland · 15/05/2020 12:22

Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. Is he jealous that you moved on and are having another baby? Is that why he is trying for full custody? I hope your counter argument for full custody is the neglect in allowing the children to become independent.

sahbear · 15/05/2020 12:22

While I don't think you should be making breakfast for him, I do think you should be ensuring he eats breakfast. Eg. It's 8.30 am (on a weekday, come and eat breakfast. I don't think you should be leaving it up to him to decide to skip breakfast. He should make it himself and tidy up after himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2020 12:23

You’re not wrong but you know this is the least of your problems so I wouldn’t let it become an issue with your son who already wants to live with his dad full time. Surely you want to use this time when you have him at home and before the baby arrives to try and foster peace and harmony, not fights about food.

You have them 50/50, your eldest is 13, you’ve had plenty of time and influence to institute good habits and independence.

But if you haven’t then now is not the time to add extra drama to anyone’s life.

crazychemist · 15/05/2020 12:24

@ViciousJackdaw glad it wasn’t only me that thought this! Wink

Definitely sounds like an attitude problem more than a breakfast problem. Can’t remember when I started getting my own breakfast, pretty sure my dad would mostly have had stuff out for me at that age because he was always first down and we’d have breakfast together while my DMum and DSis were still upstairs. But that was more our bonding time than incapability, I’m certain I didn’t go hungry when he was away on business!

Much more worried about the sexist comments e.g. your fiancé being a fool for cooking when there’s a woman in the house! That would really get my goat. My Ddad did almost all the cooking because he enjoyed it, and I loved helping him as a teenager. Can you and fiancé present a nice united front on this - firstly talking to your DS about how damaging and restricting these stereotypes are, but also speaking together to your ex about how you feel about this? (Aware that might blow up a bit, but your DS could probably benefit from seeing a man calmly reason with someone who I suspect Rages irrationally....)

I definitely think with DS you need a chat about the benefits/responsibilities of growing up. Does he contribute to household chores? At this age, pocket money was directly linked to my contributions, and I had a little tick sheet that I filled in. Sounds a bit complicated, but basically my money was scaled to how many things I had done! They were easy and age appropriate e.g. dirty clothes in the basket, plates in kitchen after dinner, school stuff left tidy. At every birthday we would agree an extra job for the list e.g. empty dishwasher, sort basket and put one load of laundry on. Not doing a job on a particular day wasn’t a huge big deal, and might only “cost” me 20p or so from the total, but it motivated me and got me into the routine of doing stuff, meaning I got quite good at it all. At the end of the week, I’d work out my total and take the sheet to my mum for payment!

Waitingforboristoletusfree · 15/05/2020 12:25

Forgot to say, unless he has a good reason to take contact away from you, I think you may have to mention parental alienation. Which is what he doing by the sounds of it

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2020 12:25

I would not be saying anything that puts down his GF, like referring to her as a maid. I would emphasise how very lucky everyone in her household is, that she has free time and chooses to use some of it to make their lives easier.

I would certainly say they are being spoilt by her. Spoilt has positive (treat) and negative (brat) connotations, so is exactly the right word here.

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/05/2020 12:26

You need to ask your ex that when his much younger gf gets pregnant too what will he expect your 13 yo to do then.

missyB1 · 15/05/2020 12:26

One of the tedious things about these sort of threads are all the “my toddler can cook a 3 course cordon bleu meal for ten” competitive type posts.

It’s still ok us to still do things for our kids after they’ve started school - although Mumsnet seems to think parenting responsibilities stop after the age of 5.

I made 11 year old ds an omelette for breakfast - oh no he will never leave home or live independently now!!! 😱

Jux · 15/05/2020 12:28

Just say no. You are teaching him life skills, though you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If he won't make his own breakfast then he can't be that hungry can he?

Queenoftheashes · 15/05/2020 12:30

I would be telling him he’s coming across as an entitled male and it’s unattractive.
Ask why he shouldn’t be making you breakfast? Presumably you’re doing plenty for him?

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 15/05/2020 12:31

In lockdown I’ve got into the habit of setting the table for breakfast the night before. I have 11 and 6 yos and it means they can both get their own breakfast. 11 yo obviously capable of more than the 6 yo, but 6 yo can at least put cereal in his bowl etc

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 15/05/2020 12:32

13 yo could be bringing you the occasional breakfast I’d have thought!

I do sometimes get tea in bed from the 11 yo here as I’ve struggled a lot with sleep / tiredness in the wake of having had COVID 19.

shootmenow2020 · 15/05/2020 12:33

All I got from this is your ex is teaching them women are subservient. He's being ridiculous. Teach them how to be rounded men because their dad clearly isn't going to fix their own food, how to cook, how to clean. It will be especially important once the new bubs comes as you won't have free hands to drop everything and cater to them.

Batqueen · 15/05/2020 12:35

I really don’t know why people are so obsessed with breakfast. As a teenager, I would rather have the extra few minutes in bed so I didn’t eat breakfast for years. It was fine.

If he refuses to make breakfast, he doesn’t get any.

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/05/2020 12:36

He needs to make his own breakfast as a rule. Or go without,it wont kill him. My adult teen DSs have made their own since they started school but that doesn't mean that I never make them any. Sometimes at the weekends I'll make a family breakfast. Most days none of us eat breakfast. Some mornings when they were at school I might make them some if I had time and they were running short. They didn't expect me to and were thankful.

So I guess what I am saying it doesn't need to be an issue either way, it's the expectation that you will make it that is the problem and really the problem is the influence your ex is having.

Coffeecak3 · 15/05/2020 12:37

When my dc were 13 I would have laughed at them if they asked me to get their breakfast. Let him go hungry.

Bubblebu · 15/05/2020 12:38

"He knows the expectation, but sides with his father that I'm being unreasonable so won't get it himself"

in that case i think you have to be very firm and just respond by saying something like "glad you get a bit of a treat when you are at your Dads house, there are different rules in our house" and then maybe gently lead the horse to water so to speak by asking him what favourite foods he would like to eat for breakfast? buy them but accept that if he cannot be bothered to prepare them you just say "well they were waiting in the cupboard for you" or something like that. Not easy because it sounds like it is in main an unresolved unspoken battle between you and your ex which your son is taking advantage of.

Aveisenim · 15/05/2020 12:38

My 11-year-old gets their own breakfast at a minimum, generally get their own lunch as well, some days they get their own dinner too if they don't fancy what I'm cooking for dinner!

Quillink · 15/05/2020 12:38

Of course you are not being unreasonable!

Did you have another thread about your very abusive ex husband?

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