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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 15/05/2020 13:12

I mean if Op was happy to get his breakfast, whilst I don't think that she'd be doing him any favours, that would be up to them.

It's that the father is such a twat he thinks it's neglect & is telling his son that.

Who is also as sexist as his dad or such a lazy arse that he would rather feel hungry that make toast or pour some cereal & milk into a bowl.

I guess he never intends to live on his own!

Rosebel · 15/05/2020 13:12

My children get their own breakfast and lunch or they don't eat. I cook every evening and at 11 and 13 they're capable of feeding themselves for 2 meals.
Tell your son that's the rules. He can get 2 meals a day and you or your partner will get him one.
He's being lazy, obviously learned from his dad but I would have nipped this in the bud before now. The problem with leaving it is he's had 13 years of getting away with it and he might feel you're refusing just because you're having a baby.
However that doesn't mean YABU. He can do it, it's just easier for him if you do.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 13:12

@Windyatthebeach Oh yes, we've had all of that. Apparently the only reason I left his dad is because I wanted another baby - news to me!! And to my fiancé!!

Ex has told my sons they'll have to get used to going without when they are with us because I'll spend all of my money on the "shitty-arsed" baby now and they'll be ignored when "it" arrives. But it's OK, because when he gets majority custody ex will use the maintenance I will then have to pay and give half to the Conservative Party and half to the boys for their Trust Funds.

OP posts:
ConnieDoodle · 15/05/2020 13:13

Also this

Can you turn this around on him? I.e. stress how concerned you are that they are harming both boys development by preventing them from learning how to be independent adults.

Arealmanithink · 15/05/2020 13:13

Nice..

viewfromthecouch · 15/05/2020 13:14

I would have laughed at him. Honstly.

My children, including boys, have been able to sort out their own breakfasts to a large degree since they were 5.

Ignore your ex. Tell your son to grow the hell up and take some responsibility for himself. No doubt he's had some exposure to cooking at secondary as well. he should be able to make a simple meal for the family for breakfast or dinner at the very least by now.

Notso · 15/05/2020 13:17

The problem isn't whether or not they should make their own breakfast. Getting breakfast made for you doesn't make you lazy, entitled or sexist.
The issue is their Dads terrible attitude influencing your boy's behaviour. Unfortunately you have the difficult task of trying to find a positive way to address it.

camelsandcaramel · 15/05/2020 13:23

For goodness sake, sounds like your ex is the sort of person who wants you to wipe their asses still as well, just like his gf...!?

If your 13 year old isn't making his own breakfast by now, that's the problem here. The dad sounds like he's trying to be the 'perfect parent' and make you look bad. We all know there's no such thing so you strive head land make sure that DC of yours makes you a cuppa or 2 when the new one arrives as well!!

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he asks his dad and gf if he can make them both one too...! Smile

Freefalling123 · 15/05/2020 13:23

For context on how awful the ex is, here is the recent previous thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3779496-To-terminate-put-up-for-adoption-because-of-abusive-ex-husband?pg=1

BoxOfShapes · 15/05/2020 13:24

I'm so sorry, OP. This sounds a nightmare. You are being in no way unreasonable.

Your ex is trying to alienate your sons from you, which is not supposed to be allowed. Are you keeping a log of the things he is saying and getting whatever proof you can? Good luck for June. Do you have a solicitor? I know court rulings can be horrifically wrong but fight as hard as you can and hope for the best. Find the energy to appeal if he wins.

You are absolutely right to be encouraging your sons' independence. I suppose all you can do is tell them you are doing it because in your opinion it is the best thing for them, and why. I agree you shouldn't pander to 13yo saying he won't make it: if he doesn't, he goes without. But could you ask him if he would like to make a shopping list of what he wants to to make for breakfast?

Could he also be "testing" your affection because he is worried about what your ex said regarding the new baby? I am sure you are providing both boys with lots of reassurance; continue to do so.

Luckily you have your fiancé to give an example of a non-misogynistic male role model!

lavenderlove · 15/05/2020 13:24

Oh god op it sounds like you're going to have to work really hard to make sure your ds doesn't turn in to a sexist pig like his dad Sad really hope he doesn't get more custody for your poor ds (and your) sake

BillywilliamV · 15/05/2020 13:26

I make my DD's breakfast on a school morning otherwise she goes out without anything. My choice! She is 14yo.

Blueuggboots · 15/05/2020 13:30

Tell your son how lucky he is that someone makes him food and remind him to be very grateful and ensure he thanks her.
Then tell him that life is different in different settings and he's very lucky that at your house, he's learning to be a grown up and make his own! Don't bend from it!
My 9 year old makes scrambled egg and toast or cereal. He needs help with bacon or sausages as I'm worried about him using the grill unsupervised was he's a bit clumsy.

smokescreen · 15/05/2020 13:33

Just turned 13yo dd sometimes makes her dinner. Pasta, noodles, rice, a simple curry. Very basic cooking but she is learning

LouiseTrees · 15/05/2020 13:34

I think the suggestion would be to ask him (the 13 year old) who is going to make his meals when he goes on a lads holiday or when he moves out?

diddl · 15/05/2020 13:37

If you've always done everything & the foot putting down is coinciding with a new baby who's dad isn't theirs, I can see how that could cause resentment.

Do you think that their dad is hoping that they will go to him full time?

imnotalpharius · 15/05/2020 13:38

Have you thought about pointing out his other parent doesn't make him breakfast in the morning when he's there either.

pussycatinboots · 15/05/2020 13:38

What happens if you chuck a box of cornflakes and a pint of milk at him?
Does he expect you to put him in a high chair with a bib and spoon-feed him??

feed yourself or starve - his choice (at 13)

pussycatinboots · 15/05/2020 13:40

I'd also be tempted to tell him little children who have to be fed also have bed time, lights out and no screens/tech etc at 7pm.
Act like a baby, treated like a baby.

ConnieDoodle · 15/05/2020 13:43

Oh i hadnt realised op was that poster.

Op, youll always have mumsnet behind you dealing with this man. He is truly vile. It might be worth mentioning your previous history when you next post. It helps people who dont remember your username to piece all the abuse together.

Everything he does is to get to you. Even when he makes it seem reasonable, his intention is to get in your head and make you doubt yourself.

I honestly think you need signposting to an agency that might be able to help deal with him further. Tell your mws too. I expect he will ramp it up when your baby is born too.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/05/2020 13:43

At 12 I cooked family meals several times a week.
Son is an entitled twat.

bubdee · 15/05/2020 13:44

If he's had it served to him all his life it'll take hard work to change his attitude but you shouldn't back down. It shouldn't be about if parents have time to or not, absolutely a 13 year old should be helping and making breakfast as well as doing other house chores.

My 3 yo tidies up after herself, does a shit job bless her but it's the principle.

They "choose" dad now because he is brainwashing them, spoiling them to buy their love.
But in the long run they'll see what good you're doing for them!

1forAll74 · 15/05/2020 13:46

The boys should definitely be doing breakfast for themselves, and also other little jobs.Some independence and routine will go a long way.
0/10 for your ex !

Anewuser · 15/05/2020 13:49

Reminds me of when my middle son was about 4. One morning when I was dropping older child to school he asked if he could have an orange for breakfast. Dad said yes whilst continuing to get himself ready. Found son sat on the settee eating a terrys chocolate orange.

We still laugh about that 16 years after.

Techway · 15/05/2020 13:57

OP, what time are your DC getting up? Assume you are all up together. This won't be an issue for court as they will know that a 13 year is capable of making breakfast.

Are your sons wanting to live more time with their Dad? A new baby will bring uncertainty but once the baby is here and the realise that they are not suffering as a result they will probadly adore having a younger sibling. For now I would just reassure them, tell them independent skills are highly valued as a young adult so you are just helping them on their way. It's the teens at Uni who have no life skills that are mocked.

I know you have a very stressful time with your Ex and worry about the differences in lifestyles you can offer. I think you had the issue with taking your DC camping when your ex has a more extravagant lifestyle but in my experience DC value decent parenting over material possessions. It isn't immediate but usually by later teens they get it.

I know it's a worry with court looming but I doubt you will lose 50% of time unless there are signifcant issues. Do the dc have a positive relationship with your Dp? Is he involved and a good role model for them?
Is your relationship with dp solid?