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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Flipflops23 · 15/05/2020 12:40

I am currently 36 weeks pregnant.

Several years ago I made the decision that my son wasn’t going to end up like my husband, who I have to say is much better now but was totally useless with any domestic chore when we first moved in together. He is now 12, son not husband 😂 and makes me a coffee every morning, goes downstairs makes his own breakfast and then gets on with his school day. He also, does his own washing and is currently learning how to make different lunches and dinners. He will also run the hoover round and do chores in the garden. I think these are excellent life skills and just as important as any other skills he is learning at school.

Carry on and ignore your husband. You are obviously trying to bring up a well rounded child.

Congratulations and good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy 😀🍼.

Kraejka · 15/05/2020 12:41

He knows the expectation, but sides with his father that I'm being unreasonable so won't get it himself.
Right, well if he won't get it himself he goes hungry. He can't actually be that hungry anyway otherwise he would go and make something to eat.
Stick to your guns. Your house, your rules.
Ex's house, ex's rules.

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work. He's deliberately making trouble - probably trying to make a big deal out of it for the impending trip to court.

caramac04 · 15/05/2020 12:41

Crikey my DF was working full time at 13. Different times but yes absolutely both your boys can sort out some cereal for themselves and make you a cuppa.
At 13 I cooked for the whole family (7 of us) a few times a week. I’m talking cottage pie, egg and fried chips (chip pan on hob) or liver and onions.
Your boys need to be independent or no woman will take them on and you will be doing everything for them forever.

Chocolatecake12 · 15/05/2020 12:43

You are completely NBU and your ex is definitely BU!
I have 2 boys. Youngest is 13. They can both cook simple meals including eggs and bacon for breakfast.
How ridiculous to suggest you’re neglecting them! You’re raising them to be independent young men!

Savingshoes · 15/05/2020 12:44

At 13, he should be getting breakfast ready for him and his younger sibling regardless of where he is.

JudyCoolibar · 15/05/2020 12:44

He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

And he is demonstrating that he doesn't know his own children. What 13 year old boy will ever go hungry just because his mother doesn't put breakfast on the table in front of him?

5foot5 · 15/05/2020 12:46

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this.

Can you turn this around on him? I.e. stress how concerned you are that they are harming both boys development by preventing them from learning how to be independent adults.

nobodyimportant · 15/05/2020 12:46

My children got their own breakfast from around 3 yrs old and I was SAHM then. Obviously supervised at that point but by the time they started school they were fully able to manage it themselves. It wasn't out of necessity it was just helping them become independent. By 13 my eldest was able to cook simple meals. At 16 she cooks regularly for the family just because she enjoys it. It's time I nudged middle (now 13) into doing more now I think about it.

Your house, your rules. They are not remotely unreasonable. Ignore your ex!

JudyCoolibar · 15/05/2020 12:47

YABU to pass comment on your XDH's girlfriend being much younger and unemployed.

I think that is pretty relevant, actually. He's passing on the message to his sons that women can be treated as servants and that their duty is to wait on men, particularly if they are unemployed; he is also very likely to be exploiting the girlfriend's youth - an older woman might well have the confidence to tell him to fuck off.

Insideout99 · 15/05/2020 12:48

My son is 6 and gets his own cereal/pancakes/brioche & juice most days. A 13 year old can manage.

nobodyimportant · 15/05/2020 12:51

In lockdown I’ve got into the habit of setting the table for breakfast the night before. I have 11 and 6 yos and it means they can both get their own breakfast. 11 yo obviously capable of more than the 6 yo, but 6 yo can at least put cereal in his bowl etc

Honestly, both are easily old enough to get the stuff out themselves!

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 15/05/2020 12:51

At 13 he's old enough for a chat about respect, sexism and growing up into someone who's capable of looking after himself. It's really hard to not turn this kind of thing into a battle – can you sit down together and pick some things he'd enjoy for breakfast/brunch? Recipes from male chefs might help; show him that cooking clearly isn't "women's work".

Beautiful3 · 15/05/2020 12:51

My 7 and 10 year olds make their own breakfasts. They also take turns to help me cook dinner. I taught the eldest how to use the washing machine and to wash up. Shes on the rotating to pick up dog poo from the
garden. We all live in this house, so we all muck in. Life skills are so important. You dont want him to turn into a man child do you?!

ConnieDoodle · 15/05/2020 12:52

Wow his attitude, and your ex’s, is awful.

One option: He makes his own breakfast and lunch weekdays during lockdown. Or goes hungry Your partner will make dinner and you / your partner family breakfast on weekends. Everyone is in charge of one evening meal, to an appropriate extent, every week.

My dc are 10 and 8. They can cook basic pasta meals together. The youngest made pizza from scratch (well, using a bought pizza base) for all our lunches last week. Dh just supervised and helped with using the oven.

JudyCoolibar · 15/05/2020 12:54

He knows the expectation, but sides with his father that I'm being unreasonable so won't get it himself.

Ask him what precisely is reasonable about expecting someone to be your servant and do things you are perfectly capable of doing for yourself.

And tell him if he's not hungry enough to get his own breakfast, then he's not hungry enough to need lunch either.

But maybe wait till after the court case!

Hagisonthehill · 15/05/2020 12:55

You could compromise and offer breakfast to anyone up at 8am.
But seriously,why aren't they already making their own breakfast and lunch come to that.
My DD got her own breakfast as I am not an early riser.She was expected to help me prepare veg when younger.
Her dad won't let her help with cooking when she goes(rarely)to his but she finds that boring.
I hope they are sorting their own rooms,putting laundry in bins etc.No washing if it's not in the bin.Beds,start with stripping the beds and leaving clean linen for them to do.
Try and forget your ex and use the I'm not your dad line.Youre house,your rules.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/05/2020 12:58

YANBU
Your ex is creating a sexist piglet. You need to be a healthy influence to show your sons that women are not maids of all work. So yes, he should get his breakfast AND he should have some household chores to do as well.

Faffandahalf · 15/05/2020 12:58

My 8 year old gets breakfast for himself and 4 year old sis while we get dressed. We’re around to help with microwave (it’s higher up)
Shocking attitude. This is how boys grow into all those men women complain about on MN

Windyatthebeach · 15/05/2020 12:59

Imo the bigger picture is your ex painting you badly to the dc in preparation for baby arriving - he will imply you haven't time for them now because of the baby trying to cause resentment..
My ex told my dc I had moved on and left them behind when I had another dc.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/05/2020 13:01

I make my 12 yr old ds's breakfast when they are with me. My 14 tr old dd makes her own (her choice). My ds makes his own at his dad's, apart from if he makes them something more tricky like pancakes, etc.

I make his breakfast because I work f/t and I would rather toast him a quick bagel/couple of slices of toast before leaving for work than coming home to a bomb site of a kitchen (which is what would inevitable happen) or him forgetting and going hungry at school.

Maybe I do too much but that's my choice as a mum and I'm happy with it. If he HAD to make his own, he could. What his dad does for them at his house isn't really my concern - I have my own ways in my own home with my own kids.

Crimsonnightlotus · 15/05/2020 13:06

Sounds like your ex is a really bad role model for him. You need to teach your son the way his dad thinks is not right some how.

Chocolate1984 · 15/05/2020 13:06

My 5 year old can make her own cereal and toast. If the milk container is too heavy she needs help to lift it. My 7 year old can also make her own breakfast. My 7 year old can make and cook pancakes by herself, uses a recipe with cups so she doesn’t have to weigh ingredients.

Our kids picked these skills up from helping us. They could also make a basic ham or cheese sandwich if they wanted one. My nephew is 10 and makes breakfast for his younger sisters as part of his daily chores.

MillicentMartha · 15/05/2020 13:07

Blimey. I wonder if the 13yo tells his friends that he needs his mum to pour his cereal for him? Somehow I doubt it. My 3 have got their own cereal from around age 9 or so. Their father would still be doing it for them now if I hadn’t insisted they needed some independence. I’m now divorced and I think their father still treats them like they are the age they were when we split up.

To be fair, DS2 (20) has ASD and struggles a bit with spreading butter so I often make him a sandwich, but he wouldn’t starve if I didn’t.

Freefalling123 · 15/05/2020 13:10

@quillink exactly my thought - OP is one and the same as the previous poster with the abusive ex
rainminusbow I think?

EmbarrassedUser · 15/05/2020 13:11

My son is 17 and still tries to get me to make every single meal. Obviously if it’s something like chilli, I’ll offer him some and I’ll shove something in the oven alongside mine (fish and chips for example) However, if he wants a snack like a sausage sandwich or a completely different meal then it’s all on him. Plus he eats breakfast about 2 hours after us so I’m definitely not making it then!