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Original poster

Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

412 replies

bluecar3 · 14/05/2020 22:15

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

OP posts:
CrystalTipped · 15/05/2020 00:28

A married man who believed a fling who said she was on the pill...

Once again, I'm staggered by the amount of men who will squirt their sperm into any willing vagina without giving it a second thought. Are condoms really that uncomfortable?

CayrolBaaaskin · 15/05/2020 00:31

Yet on this thread we gear how men are “targeted” by “selfish brazen” women and “give in” like they are some kind of helpless flowers. Sounds a bit strange to me. We don’t think of women who cheat like that.

bunbunbun · 15/05/2020 00:31

No not really, it’s just that in the single woman married man scenario the woman seems to be seen as totally passive.

Oh no, not to me.

I think both the single and married people are selfish pricks in both scenarios, whatever their gender.

I just hold an extra massive additional dollop of blame on whoever is already married or in a relationship because they're letting down real people they know and pretend to care about.

Lozz22 · 15/05/2020 00:33

No I wouldn't judge. I'm having an affair with a married man, have been for the last 6 years and I too was married for the first few years of it. In that time I have fallen Pregnant 4 times but miscarried every single one. Most people will probably just say we deserved to lose our Babies but what most people don't know is that I tried for 15 years with my ex husband to fall pregnant but due to fertility issues at the time and his refusal to go get tested it never happened and that put a massive strain on our marriage

Mimishimi · 15/05/2020 00:40

If she knew, yes.

AravisTarkheena · 15/05/2020 00:42

I was wondering about this hypothetically then realised I actually know someone who had an affair with a married mad and had a child, who is now 20. She's older than me so I'd sort of forgotten about it. To be honest, no, I don't judge her. I think, ugh, what a mess, but 20 years down the line this...

Yeah Id judge a woman for bringing a baby into the world knowing that baby would always be a source of shame for dad and grandparent/ sibling relationships would be fucked.

... didn't happen. The "affair child" actually has a really good, close relationship with the "revenge child" that was born to the married husband and wife less than a year later. The original marriage collapsed and I think with the perspective time brings judgement really doesn't seem appropriate. Everyone just thinks - oh god that whole episode was so insane thank god everyone moved on.

HughGrantsHair · 15/05/2020 00:48

If she knew he was married, yes I would. Doesn't mean I'd judge the man any less.

Arabia, just because they have a good relationship doesn't mean the person born out of the affair doesn't suffer with the knowledge of how they were born.

It's the child I feel for (as well as the wife and any other children thrown into the mess).

HughGrantsHair · 15/05/2020 00:49

Aravis - stupid autocorrect

NoMoreDickheads · 15/05/2020 00:49

IDK, I would assume she loved him and that's why she wanted his baby, not someone else's. Or does he seem like he would have amazing genes- attractive, intelligent etc? She could've gone after a single man though, of course.

As to anyone 'targeting' married people- I imagine decent married people just brush anyone's advances off.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 15/05/2020 00:53

I would judge both - he's a lying, cheating cunt, and she's scum too. The cheating is more down to him, of course, and I do agree that in cases where it's married woman there often doesn't seem to be the same "manipulative man seduces helpless woman" narrative. (Wrongly - I would judge a single man sleeping with a married woman just as harshly). And regardless of whatever this woman's plans, intentions, seductions etc - she didn't have an immaculate conception by willing herself pregnant with his child. He chose to cheat, end of.

Of course there are exceptions - if the single person has been lied to and told their partner is single too, and cases where one partner is married but genuinely separated. (Some would still count as cheating- I don't).

FWIW, I do have sympathy for men in a committed relationship whose partner says they are using contraception - while it's not rape, it's manipulation and deceit of the highest degree and completely different to an accidental pregnancy. But if a married man is willing to leave the contraception to his bit on the side then he has to right to run crying when a pregnancy is the result.

That doesn't change the fact that this woman is utter scum. For intentionally setting out on a course of action she knew would destroy a family (including wholly innocent children), for lying about contraception. And for putting her selfish desires above what's best for the child she so desperately wants. That baby will have a possibly reluctant and resentful father, damaged and hurt half-siblings, and be born into the middle of an emotional war zone. And heaven forbid the child find our the story behind their origins. This entire mess will be the legacy given to an innocent baby. Why, when there are alternatives?

@Lozz22 Flowers
I am sorry for your losses, honestly - no one ever deserves that.
But, with all due respect, surely there are so many other ways to fall pregnant that don't involve dropping a bomb on your baby's life before they are even born?

Macrometa · 15/05/2020 00:54

I would judge them yes, unapologetically

Your mother sounds like a phenomenal woman @NameChange84 did she end up adopting the child after all?

AravisTarkheena · 15/05/2020 00:59

just because they have a good relationship the person born out of the affair doesn't suffer with the knowledge of how they were born.- In this particular story, I know for sure that this isn't the case - because the affair child is the person I know best in this whole debacle!

She gets on well with her dad (the original married man) and her half sister, and is very aware of her Dad's (multiple) affairs (cheating on and with various women). I mean she can't so anything about it and he is just such a cad it's ridiculous. (Just realised it sounds like I'm talking about Boris Johnson! I'm not but this man is actually the same kind of character, like, he's obviously a massive, awful twat but for some reason no one really holds it against him.)

Tbh it does strike me as kind of incredible that she gets on so well with her half sister but she does!

Dillydallyingthrough · 15/05/2020 00:59

I would judge him for all of the reasons listed by other posters. Her behaviour wasnt brilliant but still blame him.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 15/05/2020 01:00

Can anybody at all explain why judging the woman for her actions automatically means the man is blameless? Does it have to be one or the other at fault? This is a genuine question, I'm so confused.

pumpkinbump · 15/05/2020 01:03

Yes. Even more so as she was out to get pregnant deliberately. It's disgusting.

Clevererthanyou · 15/05/2020 01:05

I wouldn’t judge because I’m hardly perfect but I know that my mothers half sister had an affair with a married man and consequently had his baby. The adulterers are together now and have been married for many years though it is common knowledge that the man goes to the local “knocking shop”. It’s shitty behaviour really.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 15/05/2020 01:17

I'd judge them for the affair. I wouldn't have extra judgement about the baby.
I knew someone years ago who did this. Her attitude was that she had wasted years on him and he had a family. She didn't think she'd have time to find someone else and she wanted to have a child. So she did.

HughGrantsHair · 15/05/2020 01:17

Aravis - it's nice to hear a happy ending.

I know a lady who is the result of an affair. Has a close relationship with her siblings but suffers awfully with her mental health. That's more down to her rubbish father's abandonment of her though. But also the knowledge that her conception caused a lot of pain.

CJsGoldfish · 15/05/2020 01:21

Can anybody at all explain why judging the woman for her actions automatically means the man is blameless? Does it have to be one or the other at fault? This is a genuine question, I'm so confused

I think the bigger issue is the difference in the way the woman is described v the man. She is always brazen and selfish and chases him relentlessly until he has no choice but to give in. He's just a silly man who had a lapse in judgement but the woman? She is evil personified and knew exactly what she was doing. The language is ALWAYS aggressive towards the woman, the man was just duped cos, well, he's a man giggle

I get that, if you have one of these men and you've decided to forgive their silly lapse in judgement, this is what you must tell yourself but it certainly is NOT the lesson I'd want to teach my daughters about the 'poor menz' and, as a result, their own self worth.

AravisTarkheena · 15/05/2020 01:29

@HughGrantsHair yes I definitely think the situation I described is unusual. Now I think about it although there was certainly a lot of gossip I don't think anyone feels much shame over it - however it was a bit of a wife swapping village so I think people couldn't judge cos they were all as bad as each other!

Ilovecats14 · 15/05/2020 01:32

I'd blame him. I'm like the child in this situation. My siblings mum is lovely. Both our mums loved him and he played them both. He was the one with the responsibilities. They hated each other at the time but our mums get on now.

CayrolBaaaskin · 15/05/2020 01:34

@CJsGoldfish - word

Leflic · 15/05/2020 01:41

Mmm. To be totally honest if what she wanted was a baby rather than him , then no not so bothered. If she’d just decided his gene pool was acceptable and wasn’t expecting more than a monthly payment to support the child fair play. Not her fault he cheated and dudn%’t take adequate procautione.
If she thought he’d leave his wife because of her or the baby yes I’d judge.

Honeybee85 · 15/05/2020 01:47

One of my friends who is emotionally vulnerable got Involved with a married man who swore his marriage was over but couldn't divorce yet because of his wife's eating disorder/ his son blablabla.

I have seen firsthand how this man played with her feelings, gaslighted and manipulated her. She also tried to get pregnant because at that time she thought it would make him choose her. Thankfully it didn't happen and she dumped him eventually. This happened 2 years ago and she said now she was out of her mind and desperate at that time, looking back. If she had become pregnant she would have had a baby now and huge regrets.

I think before this happened to her I would have judged but now not so much anymore. Life isn't black and white and I think the married man is the one I'd really blame.

1forAll74 · 15/05/2020 01:50

I don't judge anyone at all.. It seems to be a national pastime these days.

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