Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

[FlemCandango]

As I am a the child in this question, I have complicated feelings about the issue. My mother had me while dad was still married but not living with his wife. They met while he was married and living with his wife and children and they started their relationship then.

Dad divorced, married my mum and they had more children. His first wife had a subsequent relationship/ children. They all moved on emotionally and had a civil relationship in the end but I know it must have been horrendous when I was born.

So I know that mum was judged at the time. She was young and naive and thought she was in love etc. But she was incredibly self centered to think what they were doing was ok. But dad was the married person so I would say his actions were more selfish. But I love them both. Dad died a long time ago and mum had her own struggles so I don't judge them now nearly 50 years on from the start of their relationship.

People don't always do the right thing. They make selfish choices and hurt other people. But we should not judge people solely on their worst decision or their best. I have made plenty of mistakes but I have managed to be in a monogamous relationship for nearly 23 years. My siblings, older and younger have all managed ltr without affairs. But I don't feel morally superior to my parents for that. They managed to teach us to be compassionate, non-judgemental, questioning and socially responsible adults while also being flawed human beings themselves.

I feel there is so much wasted energy in the judgement of other people and their actions. I try to be the best I can be, help other people love and support my family. I do make judgements - my job puts me in the position of hearing about people's flawed behaviour on a daily basis. But I save my righteous anger for flawed systems and inherent inequalities in the world as they cause more harm than unfaithful spouses.

[Whammyyammy]

They both deserve what is thrown at them. They both knew what they were doing.

[Norwaydidnthappen]

I’d judge the man more.

[SmokedDuck]

I disapprove of affairs, both the people involved, in general. Some pregnancies happen as a result by accident which just is what it is.

If she intended to get pregnant though I would find it difficult not to think quite harshly. It's deeply selfish to the other people (his wife and kids) and to her own child. And if she did it without asking him I think that's pretty shit too.

[ClarkeGriffin]

No, it really isn’t that rare. I know of quite a few predatory women - yes, the ones who do ALL the chasing knowing their subject is married. And they don’t care - even if the wife is your so called best friend.

Yeah it's not as rare as people like to pretend. There's quite a lot of women who do not give one shit about the wife in a relationship and openly persue the husband even in front of the wife. They are quite sad women.

In this case, both are scumbags. He may have thought she was on the pill, but why didn't he wear a condom? Why trust someone he barely knows when he already has a family and doesn't want more kids? It's not like she is trustworthy, he doesn't know her. Would be a bit different if they had been in a proper relationship where there is a level of trust, but not here. It was an affair, both were liars, why trust a liar?

But I hope she's struggling with her kid on her own. She pretty much deserves it for what she did. Got no sympathy for her.

[MrsMackesy]

I am not judgemental towards other people in life generally, but when it comes to adultery or similar I would judge both the man and the woman equally - both are morally bankrupt.

[Hamhockandmash]

This happened to a relative of mine. His dad had an affair and had other children. It really messed him up knowing he had half-siblings out there that he didn’t know.

[1forAll74]

I don't ever judge people, whatever they do in their lives, as it serves no purpose.. If people choose to do reckless,and damaging things,and mess up their lives, they will have to go forth and deal with the aftermath themselves.

[nitsandwormsdodger]

Both fucking with no protection so risking everyone's lives
Both bad

[SerialSpringCleaner]

I feel sorry for the poor child. Fancy having a mother who is so selfish she shits on other children and women and wrecks their lives.

As for him, he got what he deserved. He lost his wife and his kids will end up hating him, plus he’s now got another to support and their scheming mother to deal with too.

[JackieTheFart]

Yes I would judge.

So what if she isn’t the married one. She knowingly went after a married man, obviously it’s worse what he did, but it does women no favours to pretend that she and others like her are blameless in these situations.

Actually don’t believe it’s possible not to judge anyone ever. Judgement isn’t something you sit down and think about, it’s a split second thing from your gut. That’s why first impressions count. Once we stop being literal babies we judge everyone around us.

[Bubblebu]

i suspect many "other women" with whom married men have affairs have all sorts of issues of their own which make them a prime target for certain sorts of married men...

• they believe that married men (esp those with children) are somehow a great bet because they have a track record of having children (WTAF any man can fu*k and get a woman pregnant) and therefore must be a great Dad (illogical) therefore someone they want to have children with

• they believe that somehow "enticing" a married man away (that is how they interpret it) is somehow proof that they are "better" than the wife because the married man is prepared to dick over (if not abandon) his existing wife and children for her. Often these type of women see this as the ultimate ego trip for themselves.

• men who can have multiple children with multiple (2, 3, 4 etc) different successive women are viewed by these women who like to have affairs with married men as somehow potent / virile / oftentimes "rich" in terms of resources (whether the man is objectively these things or not). If the woman who has affairs with married men believes something like this it serves the married man very well and he is likely to perpetuate that way of thinking in the woman who he is having an affair with

• failing some or all of the above, there is always the old chestnut which the other woman is always very eagar to buy into; namely that the wife is boring, neglectful, nagging, controlling, somehow defective and generally that the married man is unjustly "trapped" in a miserable marriage and the other woman is able to "rescue" him (or the married man is able to "rescue" the other woman in some way; in either case perpetuating the fantasy of "meant-to-be" fairy tale). All the meanwhile innocent children have their lives permanently damaged........

And finally I am always cynical when the other woman says "I did not know he was married...."
OK maybe there are some extremely extremely deceptive married men who manage to conceal their married status but 9 times out of 10 the other woman either knows on a conscious or subconscious level or actively decides not to ask certain questions as she suspects the truth deep down.....

[TheNinny]

Yes. Its a shitty thing to do. Makes her a shitty person. She could've used a sperm donor if getting a baby was all it was for.

[May17th]

@h3av3n

He chose to ejaculate inside her and chose to cheat on his wife...

Absolutely. If there was more focus on this rather than the OW I think the man wouldn’t be so quick to risk his family at home!

[DontBeRidiculous]

I'd judge them both for different reasons. If she wanted to get pregnant, I'm sure she could've found another way, such as any of the many, many men who aren't married! I feel sorry for a baby conceived in this way. They'll probably never know their father, and if they learn the truth about their conception, they'll know that both their parents were rather scummy.

[dworky]

I'd judge the married man more negatively.

[Viviennemary]

I would judge. Its a disgrace. Some folk have no morals.

[EL8888]

You feel the way you feel. I would judge them both. She clearly loves the drama and isn’t the sharpest tool in the box

[Okbussitout]

I'd judge him way more. But I would judge her. Mainly because I don't respect women who are happy to be a bit on the side and allow men to behave like that.

[Bubblebu]

14all74


"If people choose to do reckless,and damaging things,and mess up their lives, they will have to go forth and deal with the aftermath themselves"

but the aftermath does not affect just "themselves" does it??

[Bubblebu]

"he got what he deserved. He lost his wife and his kids will end up hating him"

I have heard of plenty of married men who ultimately are not too fussed about losing their wife and kids, especially as they are the type to find another woman to give them kids and (if she insists) become their "wife".

women who are absolutely and increasingly desperate to have children are literally everywhere......

[lboogy]

Do you all remember Andrew Marr did something similar. And of course Boris and his untold number of affair children. I have no respect for Marr and even less if it's possible for Boris.

[Bubblebu]

sadly the men who do this do not give any kind of monkeys what anyone else thinks of them they are all in it for themselves 24/7

[Hankunamatata]

A friends daughter did this. Friend was mortified as her dd admitted she wanted a baby and thought he would be a good dad as had 3 kids with his wife already . She deliberately chased after him and he was a total slime and gave in.

He ended up staying with the wife and has no contact with the child but does pay child maintenance. Luckily her parents are amazing and supported her.

Both people are utter slim imo.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I would on the facts you’ve given - ie she knew he was married with kids and went out to get pregnant.

But I wouldn’t judge without all the facts, no.

I’d judge him much more either way as he was the one who made the commitment to his wife and kids.