Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

Do you realise what you are saying @Peggysgettingcrazy we can all think things are a good idea until reality sets in and things become harder than expected. Single parents don’t shock me (I’m one myself). You wrongly assumed. He wasn’t a fuck buddy was he? @bluecar3 stated it was an affair not a fling (there’s a difference). OW had the pick of the bunch and she choose him so I believe she must of liked him to some degree if you want to kid yourself that’s entirely up to you. That’s totally fine I live by tell one tell are though. The husband has committed the biggest crime of all. It’s his responsibility to unite all the children together you don’t expect the OW to bring them all together.

Your side is clearly one sided. How many women women be jumping for joy at having to go through birth alone and the other things I listed above. At the end of the day the OW did wrong I think some are being cruel she paid the price. Parenting is not as easy job I certainly wouldn’t envy OW situation having to tell my child

I would judge both of them.

That's awful.

@Bubblebee7 I dont think you are really reading what I am saying.

I didnt say she was the only one to blame
I didnt say he was a fuck buddy. I said he could be. Theres nothing written by the op that suggests there's was some big romance. Why would you assume women who sleep with men must have some romantic feelings for him. Are you suggesting if she did, the its not her fault she did something shitty? Poor women can't control themselves if they have feelings? Not a great way to view women is it?

She may have had some feelings, but actually decides she would rather go it completely alone than deal with the drama that was going to come if he stayed involved. She may have weighed the options up and thought that this was better for her and the baby. All women do not become devestated when relationships end. We are capable of understand that, actually, its for the best and move on.

Women can choose to get pregnant by sperms donor. And some women do. That doesn't mean they have to give birth alone, doesnt mean they are alone. Plenty of single women and single parents have full lives, without a partner.

I was a single parent and throughly enjoyed it. I certainly didn't feel alone. I also didn't know my dad until I was 9. Explaining why he wasn't around wasnt some massive traumatic event. I was told in child appropriate ways, when I asked questions.

Yes I do realise what I am saying. The OW is out of the situation and has a baby. She might be struggling or there's every chances she is absolutely fine.

Of course the husband has committed the worst 'crime'. But I simply don't believe you hold no blame in being part of something that hurts people, if someone involved is hold more responsibility.

You are responsible for yourself. And if you do something shitty you have done something shitty. Even if the other person was worse.

I think you didn’t read my post from the start. You tagged me so clearly something bothered you. The choice wasn’t hers though was it the Husband didn’t want to know. You don’t know what really went on because OP didn’t say it was all vague.
Your experience of is slightly different to this one though isn’t!! I know what a single parent entails I agree with you. Let’s not be false though parenting is NOT a walk in the park and the fact that this child doesn’t have contact with their dad is different to what your making it out to be in your situation totally different circumstances. At 9 years old you still have many years of getting to know your father so it’s not so bad. It’s later on in life where not having a dad really bothers you I speak from my own experience. So the woman may not mind we won’t know. But it’s selfish of BOTH!

The child will know no family member on the dads side, no medical history that could be important later on in life if they have health issues. It’s not about what the OW would like and what suits her best

I have no idea what you are going on about.

I commented on the line 'you cant expect loyalty.....'

My point was you may not be able to count on someone you don't know, not having your back. But, doing something shitty is shitty. Wether you know the person or not.

Yes, it is vague. Thats why I have never said 'she doesn't have feelings' or 'she is doing great' or 'she is definitely happy'.

But there's a very good chance she is. Theres also a good chance that she may have been hurt, but got over it and actually very happy now.

So no one can say anything about Karma and the OW. Theres far more chance that she is actually happy, now, or will be eventually, than she will be miserable for the rest of her days.

She may also recognise that she fucked up. She isnt a victim and needs to just get on with it and found peace with that.

Not sure what you achieve by pretending she definitely got a serving of bad Karma.

The child will know no family member on the dads side, no medical history that could be important later on in life if they have health issues. It’s not about what the OW would like and what suits her best

You don't know that in a few years, contact may resume. His parents may find out and decided to contact her.

Plenty of people survive just fine, being adopted and dont know their biological family history. Of course many want to know. But many do just fine.

You are making so many assumptions and saying they are definitive.

Unfortunately, some people do shitty things and then their life turns out just fine.

Yes In this case I absolutely would. He should not cheet absolutely. But I do judge any woman who dates a married man and to deliberately get pregnant is not on.
I normally pretty open minded but I don't like cheeting!

There’s no wonder some men cheat when a lot of the time the wives take them back and slag the OW down... cycle Continues. The real issue is the husband here. There’s always women & he had the most to loose so he should of thought on before jumping into bed with someone. Ignorance is bliss

The real issue for the wife, is the husband. But she can still feel agreement at the OWs part.

People cheat, because they cheat. Thats on them. Their wife taking them back isnt the reason they cheat. Putting the blame on the wife, for how she deals with being fucked over isnt ok. You can choose not to cheat.

Believing the OW behaviour is shitty doesnt absolve or lessen how shit the husbands behaviour is.

Theres always men too. Men that arent married. If she really 'had the pick' then she could have picked one of those.

I’m sorry I don’t agree the wife may have felt fucked over but just to make herself feel better doesn’t give her right of way way to deny her husband of doing his duty with his other child yet she’s still laying down with the SAME man. That also is a shitty thing on the wife’s part. Wife’s children & the OW child are siblings weather she likes it or not. I hope the OW is very happy like the wife and husband... since he went back to his happy little life.

I need some help to a problem that just doesn’t seem to go away. My sons father and I split up 5 years ago. My son spends 2 nights one week and 4 nights another. Mon and Tuesday one week and Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday another with his dad and he pays £169 a month child maintenance. He has always hated paying it and keeps asking for 50/50 shared care. This means that I will not get any maintenance payments through CM. I told him I would be happy to do this if he agrees to pay half towards childcare costs, school trips and school uniform. He won’t agree to this but even if he does I don’t trust him because he agrees to things and then when he gets fed up or if it isn’t working out with his life he just tells me he won’t do it ( whatever it is) anymore. I was offered a new job the week lockdown was announced. He is currently working from home. I explained my situation with him and he agreed to look after my son while I could do two days at my new job. It wasn’t full time but it was better than nothing. After two weeks of this, he called and said it was too much for him to deal with and that he couldn’t look after him anymore while he worked from home and that he wouldn’t be able to see him as much during lockdown doe to him not being at school and being at home with him all day while he had work to do. I subsequently lost my new job so now I am living off benefits. He wouldnt tell me the new arrangement to see him. I can only imagine this is so I couldn’t contact child maintenance to tell them the new nights which would mean the payments going up. He has contacted me this morning to tell me he will not be paying me any child maintenance until he gets 50/50 shared care and if I stop my son from seeing him Because of this, I am a despicable mother. I just feel constantly bullied and controlled by him. I am happy to accept 50/50 shared care if he contributes towards childcare and such. I’ve said we need a court order because I can’t live my life like this. At the moment I don’t have a job and don’t know when I’ll get one but once I do I don’t think it’s fair to pay all the costs on my own. My question is, if I go and see a solicitor who my parents are offering to pay for because they are as sick of this as I am, can I agree a court order where he has 50/50 shared care and pays half towards childcare, school trips and school uniform because I will struggle financially if he doesn’t and it doesn’t seem fair if he doesn’t have to.

@Bubblebee7 yes I agree, the wife stopping him see the child would not be great behaviour. But going along with it, would be his choice. And where did op say thats at the wife's request?

It seems you have a back story here that everyone else doesn't know.

Do we even know if the wife has taken him back?

@Sollay you might want to start your own thread so people can give advice to you.

I’m so sorry. I’m new to the page and thought I had started my own thread. Please ignore me and carry on

@Sollay you don't have to apologise. I hope you get some help.

I am super late to the party but I noticed your comments and felt they needed addressing. 1. A married man will have a difficult time cheating unless their is a selfish, immoral woman who knows he is married an does not care. 2. Woman have no respect for each other any more. Does it bother you to be cheated on? Why willingly inflict pain on another women? What's the goal? I was cheated on so let's keep the cycle going? So many women who mess with married men, feel like the fault is all on the man as he broke the vows. Well no, we all have a responsibility to be decent human beings. Although he may find a trashy broad to cheat with him, any woman who has self respect would not. To compound the issue, she deliberately had a child, so we wanted to take him from his wife and family. I can not think of one single situation where this would be acceptable to do to someone. Karma is a beast, therefore her may run into another who is thinks just like her. The really sad part is that woman have the power to drastically reduce infidelity simply by using the golden rule. @h3av3n

My older sister was the result of an affair with a married man. I feel sad for my mum as she was young and I think dazzled by his charm. I judge him as he should have known better as he was older and I think knew exactly what he was doing

I certainly would judge her. Him too of course. If she had an affair with him knowing he was married with kids, how can that possibly be remotely okay? Then she deliberately became pregnant which will really complicate things for everybody. Yep, sorry, I’d judge the crap out of her.

I see it is a "zombie thread" but would be interested in your thoughts on it now OP?

Ultimately this woman is a disgrave and has fucked up her own life as well of the lives of the man's existing childrem. They didn't ask for a shitty father or a half sibling. I feel very sorry for the chdren and think that he is a scumbag who deserves no children and she clearly isn't the right person to be a mother if she'd deliberately try to conceive a child in such a messed up situation. Pathetic, unbelievably selfish and childish behaviour from both of them and so callous to all children involved.

I'd judge them both. More than having an affair with a married man, to lie about contraception is disgusting. People that stray and don't use contraceptives and don't give a shit about bringing an STI home is awful. As if it's not bad enough to cheat, they add this on too. What a horrible pair.

Yes, I'd judge them both - him for his betrayal of his wife and family, and her for targeting a married man in the first place.

If she's THAT desperate to get pregnant then she could have either chosen a single man or gone to a sperm bank - but to fuck up the man's family out of her own selfish needs was unnecessary.

He's a stupid bastard for "falling for it" though - in terms of believing her to be on the pill, AND betraying his wife over her - a truly good man wouldn't have done that.

I feel very bad for the wife and all the children in this scenario, and not at all for the man and the pregnant one.

@Notaboutthebs

I am super late to the party but I noticed your comments and felt they needed addressing. 1. A married man will have a difficult time cheating unless their is a selfish, immoral woman who knows he is married an does not care. 2. Woman have no respect for each other any more. Does it bother you to be cheated on? Why willingly inflict pain on another women? What's the goal? I was cheated on so let's keep the cycle going? So many women who mess with married men, feel like the fault is all on the man as he broke the vows. Well no, we all have a responsibility to be decent human beings. Although he may find a trashy broad to cheat with him, any woman who has self respect would not. To compound the issue, she deliberately had a child, so we wanted to take him from his wife and family. I can not think of one single situation where this would be acceptable to do to someone. Karma is a beast, therefore her may run into another who is thinks just like her. The really sad part is that woman have the power to drastically reduce infidelity simply by using the golden rule. *@h3av3n*

Your post makes no allowance for the women who are liked to by the trashy men who just want to get their end away with someone other than their wife, and who therefore LIE about being married. Are all women somehow supposed to KNOW when the man they're talking to is lying when he says he's not married? How?

Yep

...the women who are LIED to...
obvs. Oops.

I think both of them are pretty vile.