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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

412 replies

bluecar3 · 14/05/2020 22:15

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

OP posts:

Dieu · 15/05/2020 15:19

I would judge them both until the cows come home.

CJsGoldfish · 15/05/2020 15:20

But why is it all on him. Yes, it’s his responsibility to wear a condom if he doesn’t want the woman to get pregnant,but it is equally her choice to sleep with a man who is not wearing a condom.

They both knew the consequences of unprotected sex,therefore they are both equally responsible to make sure it didn’t happen

Except she didn't care if it happened or not. She exercised her choice with this in mind. I assumed he didn't care either otherwise he would have exercised his choice differently. They both had a choice, they both chose the same thing for, probably, different reasons. Only one accepts the consequences of the choices made

She has choices too and it’s not up to him to tell her she has to sleep with him without a condom
Huh? What does this even mean?

Seems like they both had a choice but there would just not be a pregnancy had he chosen to prevent one. How do people not get that? 100% ability to prevent a pregnancy but apparently no more than 50% fault (and noone really wants to even apply that much) when he chooses not to. 🤷‍♀️

funinthesun19 · 15/05/2020 15:44

Ultimately for me, if I was the wife in this scenario, I would hate the other woman with all my being right now. I would probably want to blame her and flit through various excuses to minimise my husbands behaviour (she tricked him etc).

This was my point further up thread. It’s much easier to blame the OW and channel all the hate her way because it feels better to do that. It’s much easier to fiercely hate the other woman, which takes the attention from the cheating husband.

When the dust settled though it comes down to this - that the man I love and who was supposed to love and respect me above all others, had an affair and sex with another woman. Of his own free will. Knowing he was destroying our family.

Hopefully most women realise this and stop minimising their husband’s behaviour.

MorganKitten · 15/05/2020 15:49

If she knew, I judge them both.

If she didn’t, like my mum know there was a wife then just judge him. My mum didn’t know until he dropped her off at the train station, she missed the train due to being too pregnant to run for a train, looked across a platform and saw him picking up pregnant wife and a child. He ‘worked away’ a lot.

ZoeCM · 15/05/2020 19:37

if a single man targeted a married woman with children and she cheated, would the married woman be more at fault or the single man for targeting a married woman?

There was a thread relatively recently in which a woman posted that she had cheated on her husband. Several posters assured her it wasn't her fault, there are lots of unscrupulous men who manipulate lonely women into having affairs. A few posters also said that her husband must have done something to drive her into the arms of another man. (The thread ended up being deleted for revealing too much personal information, IIRC.)

Plaiceholder · 15/05/2020 20:15

Was is his wife?

Peggysgettingcrazy · 15/05/2020 21:58

You can’t expect loyalty from someone who you do not know.

So as long as you don't know someone and their children, its ok to be part of fucking them all over?

yelyah22 · 15/05/2020 22:08

Yeah I would. But then I am strongly of the opinion a) that cheating is disgusting, both of the person in the relationship and the other person, and b) that some people take having a child far too lightly.

"Oh but I wanted a kid anyway/he'll leave for me and the baby/it's already happened now so why not/never mind if I can afford it/there's never a right time!" Great, well don't go whinging when you're not the perfect 2.4 child family because you chose to have a baby with a cheating prick, or he won't pay child support, or you're raising a child by yourself and it's incredibly hard. It's a choice, not something that is foisted upon you (in the vast majority of cases).

Bubblebee7 · 15/05/2020 22:32

@Peggysgettingcrazy I would expect loyalty from my husband the one that I trusted & left my world in pieces.
As far as I’m concerned the OW got her karma...

Peggysgettingcrazy · 15/05/2020 23:10

Expecting loyalty from your husbsnd, I agree with.

But no, fucking a family over because you don't know them isnt OK.

She didn't though did she. Not in this situation.

Bubblebee7 · 15/05/2020 23:32

^
From your post you sound bitter. The OW did wrong but I cannot stand people in generally who take the easier option to put the sole blame on the OW.
Of course she got her karma. I’m assuming she had some sort of feeling for the husband. OW plan probably went horribly wrong when she had to attend midwife appointments by herself and have no birthing partner and sleepless nights with nobody to take turns with. OW will have to explain to her child eventually. Also OP stated he didn’t have anything to do with the child. I think that’s karma don’t you?

MaxNormal · 15/05/2020 23:40

Why do I keep thinking of Boris Johnson?

MyOtherLifeIsAFairytale · 15/05/2020 23:50

Yup. Totally judging her.

Leflic · 16/05/2020 00:05

Yes but as your husband you hopefully have a better idea of how he thinks, what sort of man he is and how your relationship has been. My husband isn’t a talker. If he was unhappy he’d probably gave an affair and then come out with all the reasons after the event, Hence I have to make sure that we communicate honestly.
I hate the OW in my previous relationship because she was a bitch about the whole thing. I didn’t blame him so much because we were already on the rocks. Had he asked to go, I’d have let him. However OW was happy to only have his side and make it attritional,

CJsGoldfish · 16/05/2020 00:19

Also OP stated he didn’t have anything to do with the child

Says all you need to know about him, really.

Bubblebee7 · 16/05/2020 00:30

And the wife for that matter. She took him back and clearly wanted to resume normal life. But what about the children who became siblings. Morals are a funny thing!

Peggysgettingcrazy · 16/05/2020 03:22

From your post you sound bitter. The OW did wrong but I cannot stand people in generally who take the easier option to put the sole blame on the OW.

Ah the old bitter chestnut! Easier to spout that, than actually realise what you are saying. Which is, its fine to screw people over if you don't know them. I judge people who think that's ok.

Why exactly would I be bitter?

And where did I ever put sole blame on the OW? I didn't. I just dont agree that their behaviour is fine, because she wasn't married to the wife.

It may shock you to learn that many women are very happy to be single parents. How do you know she is sad? He may have just been a fuck buddy for her, no feelings involved.

She might be very happy to go on her way.

Celerysam · 16/05/2020 07:04

I think they are both vile human beings, not just because of the poor wife and children but also this poor baby that will be dragged up with separated parents.

Rezie · 16/05/2020 07:10

I judge her for lying about birth control and tricking him in order to get pregnant. Regardless of the marital status of the man, it's just low thing to do. Accidents happen with birth control, but knowingly lie is just wrong.

I judge him for cheating and and it is completely his fault that his family fell apart.

Rezie · 16/05/2020 07:14

I also judge him for not being involved in the child's life.

testing987654321 · 16/05/2020 07:20

I judge her for lying about birth control and tricking him

A man who lies to his wife so he can have sex with another woman should trust the woman not to lie to him? How ridiculous.

Rezie · 16/05/2020 07:36

A man who lies to his wife so he can have sex with another woman should trust the woman not to lie to him? How ridiculous.

I do judge him for not using a condom and putting his wife in danger. No, he shouldn't have trusted (well this depends on the circumstances of the affair) her but I also dont think that's a reason to get a pass for lying about birth control.

MarriedToABellend · 16/05/2020 08:05

I would judge but at the moment my mindset is fucked after my husband had an affair and I've only recently chucked the prick out. I fucking hate people who have affairs. Both the attached partner and the singletons happy to play along. Really fucking hate. My anger is raging. But i know im probably in the middle of some kind of breakdown right now.
His bunny boiler, has tried every trick up her sleeve to get him to end his marriage because obviously the sad prick has been selling her the happy ever after line with no intention of ending it here and starting a new life with her.

Bunny Boiler has had several pregnancy scares and claims she fell pregnant and had a miscarriage. Long story but probably not true and just another of her bizarre attempts to fuck up my life and "get her man".
I feel a mix of sorry for her and what a fucking stupid cow. Why would you risk putting yourself on that situation?
I often wonder if the OW actually realise that falling pregnant brings thee humdrum of there married man's marriage into what was the illicit, exciting, thrilling bit if fun on the side.

PumpkinPie2016 · 16/05/2020 08:18

Yes, I would judge them both.

Aragog · 16/05/2020 08:37

Yes, if she knew he was married or in a relationship.

Obviously but as much as the married man, but I'd still not look kindly on her either.

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