Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

That I agree with, crumpet, it isn't fair on the child. Both parents would be self-serving/selfish, but that's not just the province of a married man/OW. There are very many selfish, grasping people everywhere.

I'd judge him far far more for the affair and he would thoroughly deserve to have it all blow up in his face.

But I would judge her probably more harshly than him overall if she got pregnant deliberately. What an absolutely awful thing to do to your own child - to bring them into the world, deliberately, as the product of an affair. To give them a father who they would grow up knowing he wished at some level that they didn't exist. To give them a family of half-siblings likely to be an absolute minefield of rejection and resentment and tension - none of it their fault. To make them the living embodiment of a massive family disaster in many people's eyes - their dad, their own grandparents. How absolutely horrible.

That's if they ended up even with contact with their father's side of the family.

She could have thought all that through, all that heartache she'd be heaping on her child, and decided no - never - too messy - I will get a sperm donor.

It's hard in fact to conclude that one of the reasons she didn't is that sperm donors don't pay maintenance.

So I'd judge the affair and lay far more blame on him, but I'd judge her for an entirely different reason.

I'm just wondering why you need validation for your judgement from strangers on the Internet?

Depends on what I knew of the background. Assuming I know for sure that she knew he was married and not separated from his wife then I would judge.

If he told her he was separated or she didn’t know he was in an existing relationship then I’d not judge.

My sister was married and 100% separated (her and ex just never bothered with divorce paperwork) when she met BIL. 10 years later they are now married with a 7 year old boy but my DN was born when my sis was formally still married to her ex! He didn’t care and neither did my sis but in that case I wouldn’t judge. I don’t care about the sanctity of marriage just not being an arsehole and hurting other people deliberately by your actions (and sleeping with someone you know is in a relationship is firmly in the category of being an arsehole).

I used to work with someone who was seeing a married man (husband of her private yoga teacher) and he wouldn't leave his wife so she got pregnant and he still didn't leave his wife so she got pregnant again and then he did leave his wife.

Her whole life is based around obsession over the first wife, however, they are still together years later.

I'd judge the married man far more. For example Boris Johnson and his behaviour.

Yes I would. I'd judge the man more though.

If she knew he was married I'd just her for sleeping with a married man regardless of the baby

I'd judge him more though

Both scumbags - yes I would judge although it has no impact on my life, it still doesn't sit well with me...him for doing that to his wife and children, her for knowingly doing that when he already has wife & children, I feel sorry for the children involved.

Yes, that was a strange, rather sordid scenario. However, I do wonder what on earth his current fiancee was thinking in getting involved with an ageing, much married roué with children? An attractive, personable, educated young woman could surely have done better.

However we are going off the point.

PS My above post was in reply to someone who mentioned our prime minister's current situation.

I would totally judge the shit out of both of them in this situation

Not sure why people are so keen to say the man is more at fault than the OW. They're both equally despicable.

I'd judge both of them. Scum.

Yes would 100% judge them both.

I judge the married man. I'd judge the woman just as harshly if she knew he was married.

Yes I'd judge them both- but I think that men who are unfaithful have tremendous capacity for manipulation, and I'd wonder what he had said to the OW about his DW. Not that anything would make it okay, but I do know of a situation where a man claimed to be in a physically and mentally abusive marriage in order to befriend another woman. He claimed that bruises and cuts he got in an accident at work were the results of being beaten up by his wife, and told OW and his friends that he was terrified of her. Told OW he wanted to leave his wife but was scared that his wife would kill him.

It all came out a few years later. If a man can lie repeatedly to his wife, he is skilled at the art of deception and he will have said whatever he can to deceive any woman he wants to sleep with.

Yes

Yes i would

Yes - but both of them.

My grandmother had two children 5 years apart (one being my DM) by a married man in the 1940’s. He already had children with his wife. My DM and her DSis were baptised in his religion (Catholic) and taken to the same church as him and his family until they were teens so that they could ‘see’ their ‘father’ there. He used to pay maintenance for them but as far as they know his wife never knew anything. My grandmother died before I was born but I thought she was bloody disgusting to do this not once but twice, firstly with a married man but then to take two innocent children to church weekly to ‘see’ their father so they would know who he was but they never had any contact with him.

From this thread people are clearly still very judgemental so I do wonder what it would have been like in the 1940s to have two DC to a married man, and my grandmother was already divorced herself so that must have been hard but she made her choice, not once but twice.

Yes and no. I'd judge her for letting her selfish wish to have a baby take priority over the life she'll give the baby now with regards to a stable family unit.

Other than that she doesn't owe anyone anything. At the end of the day he wouldn't have fathered the baby if he had honoured his marriage vows. That's on him. It was his decision to have an affair that caused this for his family. That's the risk you take when you choose to lie and cheat.

Totally depends on situation. The man I would judge for starting the relationship when he was already married, but so many women don’t realise the man they are seeing is married. The ones who do know from the beginning I would judge.

I have a close friend who started dating a guy. Was with him a year before she found out he was married. She was devastated and ended it there and then. He tried to prove the marriage was over and that they just shared a house as neither could afford to move out. His 4 adult children even confirmed this was true. She didn’t have contact with him for 6 months even though he kept trying to contact her begging for her back.
Eventually she said if it was true that they were not together then move out of the house that’s the only way he would get her back.
It took a while but he did finally move out and live with my friend. Friend got pregnant a year later and realised what a idiot this man actually was and ended it when baby was a couple of months old. He had no where else to go and ended up back with the ex wife in separate rooms again. Hasn’t seen his child in over 10 years as he is too busy.

I judge him not my friend she thought she was in love and is a genuinely nice person, she didn’t know and ended it when she found out. He played a very clever game with her and really messed her head up for while. She looks back and sees just how much she was manipulated by him. She and her child now have a great life and are very happy now.

I know someone who had two children by two different married men. The second one was very wealthy and she snagged enough maintenance from him to raise both children. Some people are really a bit shitty.

Hate the term home wrecker, always directed at women. Whose home was it? His. Who wrecked it then? He did.

I disapprove of her. I despise him.