Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

I thinknits none of my business unless it involves me.

I would certainly judge him more than her. She hasn’t taken any vows of marriage and doesn’t owe the wife anything. He chose to break those vows. He’s the one who chose to have sex outside the marriage and he’s the one who chose to put his wife’s sexual health at risk. Men are not poor lambs being led to the slaughter and we shouldn’t be treating them at such. It’s insulting them to suggest they have no ability to think for themselves or make their own choices. He had an affair because he wanted to, and now he’s going to have a baby he doesn’t want because he put his penis right into another woman and ejaculated. Poor child.

"Your post makes no allowance for the women who are liked to by the trashy men who just want to get their end away with someone other than their wife, and who therefore LIE about being married.
Are all women somehow supposed to KNOW when the man they're talking to is lying when he says he's not married? How?"

Hmm... I'm autistic and even I don't find it hard to figure out that men who come out with that kind of crap are lying so 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SarahBellam

I would certainly judge him more than her. She hasn’t taken any vows of marriage and doesn’t owe the wife anything. He chose to break those vows. He’s the one who chose to have sex outside the marriage and he’s the one who chose to put his wife’s sexual health at risk. Men are not poor lambs being led to the slaughter and we shouldn’t be treating them at such. It’s insulting them to suggest they have no ability to think for themselves or make their own choices. He had an affair because he wanted to, and now he’s going to have a baby he doesn’t want because he put his penis right into another woman and ejaculated. Poor child.

Nobody's saying that. Everyone's responsible for their actions. His are disgusting. So are hers.

I would not respect someone who had a baby with anyone just because she wanted a baby; I believe a baby should be born into a committed partnership, with a mum and a dad,. Of course I realise things don't always continue that way, couples split up, but I think the original intention should be there and the child conceived in love.

Therefore deliberately having a baby with a married man who is living with wife and kids is not on. It is an immature decision.

If I knew someone who did that I've no doubt she would eventually realise she was in the wrong so there would be no point in me being anything other than supportive. It isn't the baby's fault after all and we all make mistakes. I don't stand around tutting; though I haven't done that I've made my fair share.

PS: It's a scenario in which the woman ends up holding the baby. The man is just as much to blame.

Yes I would

I’d judge. I would judge her as someone who cares only about her wants and needs and has no moral fibre. I wouldn’t be able to be a friend to someone like that.

I would have an equally low opinion of him.

Why are we expected to never judge anyone? Where’s that come from in the last few years?

People make shitty choices for awful, usually selfish, reasons. Why should they not be judged on their actions?

Yeah - I’m not a fan of malicious gossip so I keep my judgement to myself and don’t go round sharing it with other people IRL. But when I found out that a former friend of mine had knowingly had sex with her married boyfriend in his marital bed while his wife was taking their new baby to visit her mother, my reaction in the privacy of my own head was “ewwww!” not “I don’t have an opinion on this because it’s not my place to judge”.

And yeah, the husband was even more culpable in that scenario but doesn’t make my ex-friend blameless. You can go through life taking the view that you don’t having any moral obligation not to harm people unless you’ve directly made a vow not to hurt them, but then other people have a right to think you’re a POS.

Typo in that last sentence but hopefully you know what I mean,

And yes, with some men there will always be another OW if not this one. But, equally, with some OW there will always be another married man. My mother was one of them for decades, and there was always a reason why it was the wife’s fault - she doesn’t deserve her husband because she’s too fat, too frumpy, too chronically ill, looks “tarty”, got together with the husband when they were 18 so it would never work anyway, etc. None of which takes away from the husbands’ guilt, but it’s also safe to say that my mother dislikes other women and seemed to get more out of a relationship when she felt she was “winning” over the man’s wife.

I agree with the poster upthread questioning why we are expected to never judge anyone. It's ridiculous.

This "not judging" means its becoming increasingly socially acceptable for people to have affairs and to break families up in the process. (I do accept though that it's different where the cheating partner has lied about being married, or if there are other extenuating circumstances.)

Seriously, the devastation to the betrayed partner and the children involved is beyond awful. Some people never get over it and it casts a huge shadow over their lives. Children may develop emotional or mental health problems, not to mention the betrayed spouse.

But we are not supposed to judge the people who cause such devastation???

To me it's akin to the situation if someone is mugged and violently attacked, we are not supposed to judge the attacker as it doesn't affect us and we should live and let live?

This is absolutely warped and I am tired of society condoning and accepting affairs and the break up of families.

I knew someone who did that. Met her when hers was at nursery with my youngest.
She was proud of the fact. Yakked on about her dds half siblings who she never saw. How she got an attachment of earnings from his salary. How she was sending her dd to the same school as "his other daughters".
The entire thing was horrible. He was blatantly an idiot and equally to blame but it was a small community and the ones that suffered most were the wife, and the children who had to bear everyone knowing their business.

I would definitely judge both of them! Affairs although potentially damaging if not terminal for a relationship ( although in this case it sounds like it was) are one thing, but to purposefully get pregnant is appalling. Why on earth not use a sperm donor?

@Gawdsake2020

Yes. Bloody good for nothing homewrecker.

The man is the homewrecker. The man promised loyalty and to be faithful, to this woman the wife is a stranger.

Relationships are mutual and people are not object. Spouses have a free will to cheat and other people have a free will to sleep with whoever they want. You have a free will to leave if you don't approve.

Not everyone views relationships and exclusivity the same way. Personally I would not be the other woman but let's start blaming the men for breaking vows and not always the woman.

She wanted to get pregnant and chose a married man with children to do so, rather than someone without those ties. I wonder what lay behind that choice?

As to how to judge them? People judge others in order to help themselves feel morally superior to the person they are judging. So if that’s what you need right now, go ahead and judge.

I don't understand the rationale behind those saying that we should judge women who have affairs with married men.

What good would public judgement do? Perhaps the women should be tarred and feathered or dragged through the streets?

I don't judge anyone. I would think to myself that it was a bad choice perhaps but not my circus etc etc.

These threads always attract posters who clearly have had marriages or relationships broken up or targeted by a third party and the bitterness - understandably- is palpable.

Life is never as black and white as portrayed on here i.e. weak DH married to a good woman has affair with brazen hussy.

I still do a double take when I see adjectives like "brazen" used on MN. We never use words like that about men; they are "players" or "chancers".

@h3av3n

Even if she pursued him (that's extremely rare) he is still the one who cheated and chose to betray his wife and family.

No, it really isn’t that rare. I know of quite a few predatory women - yes, the ones who do ALL the chasing knowing their subject is married. And they don’t care - even if the wife is your so called best friend.

She lied about being on the pill. So yeah she did force him to become a father.

Nope. How could she actually 'force' him to, well, ejaculate?

He broke his vows, put his wife at risk of STD and a broken heart.

I feel sorry for the girl, but honestly, if the man had kept to 'just say no' when offered extra marital sex, it would be all good.

h3av3n

Even if she pursued him (that's extremely rare) he is still the one who cheated and chose to betray his wife and family.
.............
It is not rare at all.

None it would be with him

I must admit I certainly wouldn’t think very highly of them anymore. So sad for all the innocents affected by their actions. Very selfish.

@obelisk89

I agree with the poster upthread questioning why we are expected to never judge anyone. It's ridiculous.

This "not judging" means its becoming increasingly socially acceptable for people to have affairs and to break families up in the process. (I do accept though that it's different where the cheating partner has lied about being married, or if there are other extenuating circumstances.)

Seriously, the devastation to the betrayed partner and the children involved is beyond awful. Some people never get over it and it casts a huge shadow over their lives. Children may develop emotional or mental health problems, not to mention the betrayed spouse.

But we are not supposed to judge the people who cause such devastation???

To me it's akin to the situation if someone is mugged and violently attacked, we are not supposed to judge the attacker as it doesn't affect us and we should live and let live?

This is absolutely warped and I am tired of society condoning and accepting affairs and the break up of families.

So what is your judging actually achieving then? Frothing on a chatboard about these awful OW. That's it, the extent of your 'powers'. Finding your 'tribe' of like-minded pitch-forkers? What do you think your judgement actually achieves?

You're likening the situation to mugging/violent attacking, which is illegal. Having affairs and babies out of wedlock is not.

I'm tired of posters who stick their noses into other people's business, bleat endlessly about this 'judgement' that they pointlessly sticker onto other people and think that they actually make a positive difference in society.

What with the rush to post on 'unpopular opinions' and vacuous judgemental threads like this one, at least the dross is being contained and feels like it has a purpose out of everybody else's way.

Osirus, you can't really be this silly? You think that women are predatory, that they have powers to seduce men who would otherwise be faithful husbands/partners?

A man (or woman) who wants to be faithful, will. No ifs, buts or maybes. They just will be faithful, no matter what.

Anybody who thinks otherwise is a bit lacking.

I would judge them both for different reasons. Him for the obvious reason, but her for deliberately choosing to provide a child with such an unfortunate family circumstance. It’s not the child’s fault, but they are the one who will grow up with the fractured/bitterness from the wife and half siblings, surrounding their existence. Plus also the possibility of growing up knowing their father chose the existing family over them. Not fair.