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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 12/05/2020 11:13

Yes it is normal. A bit sad but normal for this generation. Relationships come late, trying to conceive comes late. Unless she moves out of London this is her life

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 12/05/2020 11:14

She is correct. Most of my friends in London lived this lifestyle til they were late 30s. She would lose all her friends if she changed to settle down etc. She sounds like she is having fun and if she is happy surely that's the most important thing

Qgardens · 12/05/2020 11:14

It doesn't matter whether it's the new normal or not. It's your dd's choice. By all means express your opinion and advise what you think is best but you need to make it clear that that is all it is. You need to allow her to make her own decisions and stay off her back I'd she doesn't agree. Don't pressurise her.

ScarfLadysBag · 12/05/2020 11:16

Not everyone's aims in life are to meet a nice man to settle down with and start a family. Do you know if that's even something your daughter wants?

lemonsandlimes123 · 12/05/2020 11:17

nomorepolitics - why on earth is it a bit sad?

jjsiter- maybe she doesn't want to settle down and have children. There are plenty of other things in life.

luckylavender · 12/05/2020 11:18

It's really none of your business

Someone1987 · 12/05/2020 11:19

I am 29, married and have just had my first child. However, I am the only one of my friends, I feel like I've done something outlandish and even asked myself if I was too young, which is daft, as I'll be 30 next year and I took years to conceive. I think people act younger than than they are these days. I have friends living at home with parents doing their cooking and washing etc. It's like people act ten years younger than they are. Perhaps this generation had just been babied too much and don't want responsibility.

ZsaZsaMc · 12/05/2020 11:19

Sounds like she’s having a great time and yes totally normal.

MintyFreshFemale · 12/05/2020 11:20

You say your an older parent, so what were you doing at her age? Apart from having concerns about her drinking, you shouldn’t be worrying. We are all different. Just love her for who she is. You sound like a caring mum, but ultimately, it’s her life.

copycopypaste · 12/05/2020 11:22

Sounds like she's got an amazing life tbh. If she's happy the it's all good

Just because you think settling down is a good thing, doesn't mean it's good for her

Bristolbitsandbobs · 12/05/2020 11:24

Perhaps she does see the end goal as a ‘nice’ DH, perhaps she doesn’t was DC?

Clymene · 12/05/2020 11:24

I was a professional living in London 20 years ago. My lifestyle was exactly the same as your daughters and none of my friends settled down until we were mid 30s and had kids in our late 30s.

It's nothing new

x2boys · 12/05/2020 11:25

I don't think it's just a London thing ,I didn't meet dh until I was 31_and was mainly single throughout my 20 s spent a lot of time socialising too and i don't live anywhere near London.

Bristolbitsandbobs · 12/05/2020 11:26

I’d be pleased she’s not rushing to settle down. Read the relationships board and see what a bad relationship can do for you

bibbidybobbidyboo · 12/05/2020 11:27

@Someone1987 has it occurred to you that you were really lucky to meet someone who wanted to settle down with you at the age you did? And that your friends might not have has the same luck? For a lot of people in their mid to late 20s it's not as simple as waking up one day and thinking "okay I want to settle down now" - they spend years dating without meeting anyone who wants the same things/they actually like.

OP, for what it's worth I'm the same age as your daughter "living the London life", and in my experience how that looks varies a lot between industries, friendship groups etc. Finance is an industry built around partying (because they can afford it...) but many of my other friends live with their long term partners that they met at university. Those of us who live in house shares are usually there because we haven't found a partner yet & either can't afford to live alone or are worried about being lonely if we do.

Curiosity101 · 12/05/2020 11:27

I totally agree with a PP who said it's ok/normal to worry and also to express your opinion to her (once), but aside from that, it's her life to live so unfortunately YABU.

Also, I don't feel like anyone has to 'settle down' at any age. If she's happy and her bills are paid then surely that's all that matters? Have you spoken to her about what she wants from life in the future?

Magenta82 · 12/05/2020 11:27

Sounds like she is having a great time, good for her. It's her life and she is living it.
I hate the idea that there is a way that everyone "should" live.

KindKylie · 12/05/2020 11:28

It's v normal.

I had dd1 at 29 and was wayyyy younger than the majority of my nct group, most had been loving in London til late 20s/early 30s

Both my siblings were London professionals in their 20s and were/are both around 5-10 years behind me and dh in terms of house buying and having babies.

There's no right or wrong, she's doing things her way and she's not unusual at all.

BuffaloCauliflower · 12/05/2020 11:28

This sounds very normal. I have many friends living such lifestyles in London, no one really settles down before their 30s (I was the anomaly living with then future DH at 25) if she’s happy leave her to it, 28 is not old she has plenty of time to marry, have kids, slow down, if this what she wants. However it may not be.

otterturk · 12/05/2020 11:31

London is a different world. IME, me and my friends still live this life and we're mid 30s. I'm a couple of years younger than lots of my friends at 32 and I'm the only one engaged and having a baby - which was a surprise :D.

It's a wonderful life and it isn't your place to think she should 'settle down', now or indeed ever.

Someone1987 · 12/05/2020 11:31

@bibbidybobbidyboo my friends are all married, in their own homes with careers. The few that live at home live with their husband and their parents still do everything.

Footywife · 12/05/2020 11:31

I think if you loved your daughter as much as you say then you'd really only want her to be happy. It's her life and she is happy.

TheMandalorian · 12/05/2020 11:31

Why don't you live your own life instead of trying to live your daughters life?
Maybe she doesnt want to settle down.
Studies show living with a man and having children is actually detrimental to a woman's mental and physical health.

edwinbear · 12/05/2020 11:32

I work in finance in the City, very much lived this lifestyle until I had DS at 34. I'm 45 this month and still stay out until the early hours with work colleagues occasionally if we're celebrating an important deal, very much part of the lifestyle.

Someone1987 · 12/05/2020 11:32

But I do sympathise with women who haven't met anyone. That is a different issue.