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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
Deviantslagheap · 12/05/2020 11:48

It is totally normal. Everyone my age in my social circle in London (early thirties) lives pretty much like this. It's terrific (except on your bank balance!).

DollyDoneMore · 12/05/2020 11:48

I hope my daughter has good money, good friends and a lifestyle she loves at 28. Good for her.

YABU.

Someone1987 · 12/05/2020 11:49

@Zenzenzenzen I would never judge anyone. I spent 7 years of my 20s trying to have a child, a combination of PCOS, fertility treatment, two miscarriages, one ectopic pregnancy and a lost tube then I was blessed with my son. Perhaps deep down I am jelous of others being care free in their 20s as I wasn't. I'd lost my mum and been through a lot. I am jelous of others parents caring.

Etinox · 12/05/2020 11:51

More of my friends had dcs in their 40s than 20s.
The only thing I'd advise someone her age is to look after health, keep a weather eye on addictions/ problem drug and alcohol use. Everything else can wait.
I can also completely see how it looks to the OP. There's not really a mum shaped space in her dds life at the moment, and she's looking forward to the time when her dd has children and more time for her. That's very understandable/

Allnamesaregone · 12/05/2020 11:51

YABVU
She’s an adult so gets to live her life by her agenda, not a timetable you’ve set in your head.

sandragreen · 12/05/2020 11:53

YABU

You need to come to terms with the fact that you cannot, and should not, be living vicariously through your adult DD.

She might never want a serious relationship/marriage/children/mortgage.

Be glad she is happy.

cansmellfreedom · 12/05/2020 11:54

Her life her business I would never encourage my child into rushing into marriage..really?! I would be happy to see her LIVING her life

formerbabe · 12/05/2020 11:55

Very normal for London.

Most settle down at 35 + from my own observations.

It probably seems quite late compared to the past and more provincial areas

pfrench · 12/05/2020 11:56

Sound ace, I'm really jealous.

Leave her alone, it's her life not yours.

(I did the same, met my partner at 37, we squeaked in a child)

Youcanstay · 12/05/2020 12:01

I think it’s wonderful that there are more and more people who remain single and childfree.
Not everybody want the traditional lifestyle.
And good for them!

Op, try being more openminded.

Hopingtobeamum · 12/05/2020 12:04

Hi

I worked all over the world in FS. Bought a property but spent most of what I earned enjoying life and on life experiences. I've had an amazing life, worked all over the world and had some amazing adventures
Finally got married at 42, no kids (just hasn't happened despite trying for last 10 years!).
Still feel like marriage is a really grown up thing!
Don't stress too much. My only advice is to buy property if you can. I've never regretted buying property.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/05/2020 12:05

I guess if she wanted to settle down then she would be taking steps to do this but she's not so she must be happy with how her life is at present.

As others have said, maybe she doesn't want to meet a nice man, or settle down. It's not for everyone. getting married and having a child shouldn't be something you do just because you reach a certain age or because you 'might' have trouble conceiving. It has to be something you are really ready for and she obviously isn't.

Most of my friends lived in London in their 20's/30's and didn't settle down or have kids until late 30's. There is plenty of time.

formerbabe · 12/05/2020 12:05

I think it’s wonderful that there are more and more people who remain single and childfree.
Not everybody want the traditional lifestyle

Changes are the ops dd will end up married with children.

I worked in a big firm in the city in my twenties. Everyone lived like this.

15+ years on and every single one of them is married with kids living a 'traditional' lifestyle.

ActuallyItsEugene · 12/05/2020 12:06

Sounds as though she's having a fantastic time!

Maybe she doesn't want to settle down, have kids and have the responsibility of a mortgage, marriage, bills... just yet.
Maybe she doesn't want to do any of that at all.
There's nothing wrong with that, she's still young!

She's an adult living her life. She has a successful job and a great social life.
Be proud of that, instead of worrying where she 'should' be.

JudgeRindersMinder · 12/05/2020 12:10

If she can’t do it now....

Be glad that she probably has very high standards about who to be in a relationship with!

TheFlis12345 · 12/05/2020 12:10

She is doing exactly what I, and every single person I know, did in London in their late 20’s. None of my friends or colleagues bought property or got married until their early 30’s, many not until their late 30’s.

foodandwine89 · 12/05/2020 12:12

be a nice girl, settle down, meet a man, have kids - can you understand how unbelivably boring and suffocating that could be? This pressure to settle down made me marry at 28. I was divorced within 18 months and finally felt I could fucking breathe. I don't give a shit anymore about society's expectations on what I should do. I go out loads, i see friends, I'm back to renting because I like living in central London and not zone 6 where i can afford to buy. Do what makes you happy but don't push that onto others. Women have so many expectations placed on them it's so fucking suffocating. Don't add to it.

JemimaPuddleCat · 12/05/2020 12:13

Leave her alone, she sounds like she is enjoying her life. Maybe she doesn't plan on 'settling down' at all. Maybe she just isn't there yet. She's 28, she's got plenty of time.

pointythings · 12/05/2020 12:14

Very normal, and I'd hope my DDs enjoy life to the full before settling down. I was almost 33 when I had my first child.

Your DD doesn't have to live her life by the rules of what you think is right.

PatriciaHolm · 12/05/2020 12:16

I don't know what you mean by "the new normal"? I'm 48, and this was very much how things were 20 years ago when I was her age. City life has been like that for many years.

Average age for marriage in the UK is 31 for a woman. Assuming she even wants what you think she does.

MaybeDoctor · 12/05/2020 12:17

People do settle down a bit later these days, especially in London. I wouldn't worry too much.

However, I do think it is easier to find a partner at a point when all of your friends are single and receptive to starting relationships. Once people start getting paired-off then the pool of available partners gets a lot smaller.

Wait two years and, if nothing has changed, perhaps have a chat.

speakout · 12/05/2020 12:19

Why is it sad?

Sounds like she is having a great time.

MitziK · 12/05/2020 12:21

Good for her.

Better than doing what other people expect and then being a single Mum on benefits at 30 because the husband has decided he's too young for such drudgery and fucks off with an exciting (and not too demanding) 21 year old.

Supersimkin2 · 12/05/2020 12:25

No one now wastes the good years on a demanding mortgage and an even more demanding baby.

Let her have fun while she can.

Demelzatree3 · 12/05/2020 12:26

It does become harder to conceive after 30 due to loss of eggs, and possibility of problematic birth or autism in children rises with age, but you know having children may not be on her agenda at all, ever. I already have 1 but wouldn't even think about another until mid 30s, so risks don't put people off.

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