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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 12/05/2020 12:26

There was another thread on here recently called something like "why don't woman get divorced?" and I and several others pointed out, the question often can be for those in shit relationships "why did they marry and have kids with him in the first place?" - the answer was often feeling pressure like the OP is putting on her DD, even if it's not very heavy pressure. Woman felt there was something wrong with not being settled down by late 20s and starting a family, so did so with men who weren't that great for them. Then put up with it because that's what you do, and the children needed stability.

It's a good thing she's not feeling that pressure.

mynameiscalypso · 12/05/2020 12:26

God, I wish I was 28 again and able to do what she's doing. I'm now 36, married, have a baby and can't cope with more than two glasses of wine in an evening. I'm so jealous of her and I hope she enjoys every moment!

Demelzatree3 · 12/05/2020 12:27

Unfortunately I probably couldn't wait until nearly 40 or something to have Kids anyway as early meno came for both my grandma and my mum at late 30s.

MouthBreathingRage · 12/05/2020 12:27

@Jjsiter, do you know for sure your daughter actually wants children? It seems to me that you've planned your future on what your daughter does, if she doesn't 'settle down with a nice man' (or one you deem 'suitably nice') or have kids then you will be disappointed.

Her life isn't yours, you can't place what would make you happy on her. You'll just make both of you miserable and damage your relationship.

BrowncoatWaffles · 12/05/2020 12:28

Another one saying it's totally normal. I did it until meeting DH in my early thirties. Finally married/house/DCs in late thirties.

Life is different now.

supercilioussal · 12/05/2020 12:29

This is exactly what I was like (and whilst I love my family, I really miss those days!). 28 is still so young.

I bought a flat at 34, met DP at 35, had DC at 37 and 40. That was the right timing for me. Some of my friends were long settled and married by 28. Others are still single and partying hard (albeit on Zoom right now) in their early 40’s. Everyone is different and can live their own life as they want to, provided they aren’t hurting anyone Smile

LilacTree1 · 12/05/2020 12:30

She might - gasp - choose to be single and childfree for life.

You sound batshit.

GreenLeafTurnip · 12/05/2020 12:30

Given that we are all generally living into our 80s and 90s, don't you think that 28 in the grand scheme of things isn't actually too old, but maybe too young to be settling down?

And I say that as being in a LTR since I was 20, married and have a baby now at 32.

yelyah22 · 12/05/2020 12:31

I don't know anyone under 30 living in London who's 'settled down'.

It's also really none of your business, and I would be wary of assuming she wants to settle down with a nice man and have babies at all. She's financially stable, she's enjoying her life, and it really isn't up to you whether she wants to keep going out every night until she's 50.

Jux · 12/05/2020 12:32

If she is enjoying her life then you have no business butting in. You should be overjoyed that your child is happy and healthy and living as she wishes.

I am just over 60 now, and the lifestyle you describe was normal way back when I was her age - 40 years ago!. Of course, I knew some women who chose to settle down younger than I, but that was their choice and I didn't resent it or think they were wrong.

I met dh when I was 38 and, despite having no desire to marry and "settle down" as you put it before that, I did marry him and had dd 3 years later.

At 28 I would have seen "settle down" as a literal description - settle for less.

CrystalTipped · 12/05/2020 12:36

Yes it is normal. A bit sad but normal for this generation.

Why a bit sad? She's in her twenties and it sounds like she's having a great time. Not everyone wants to be coupled up and know what their future holds before 30.

Magenta83 · 12/05/2020 12:37

I was doing exactly what your daughter was doing until I moved out of London and met my now DH when I was 31. Five years later we are married, have a house and a two year old. My parents never commented that I was spending money so easily, going out most nights and not dating anyone seriously. I loved that time in my life. It was a lovely surprise to them when I got married and pregnant. I would say that London is a bit of a different world and it's easier to leave if you want to settle down but that's not true for everyone!

Demelzatree3 · 12/05/2020 12:38

Given that we are all generally living into our 80s and 90s, don't you think that 28 in the grand scheme of things isn't actually too old, but maybe too young to be settling down?

I see what you're saying, but living later doesn't change the bio clock. It is hard for some women, like my aunt, who didn't want children right up until age 38 and then changes her mind and found it extremely hard to have her child, had to have IVF etc.

But we cannot live thinking "I might want this when I'm older" and working around that, there are way too many possibilities and to what we may want on the future!

I'm 23 and have a kid but sometimes wish I could still go out with friends at the drop of a hat! 🙉 Didn't think I'd ever want to go clubbing as not my scene, but that changed and now I can't go nearly as much as I'd like.

CrystalTipped · 12/05/2020 12:38

OP, perhaps your infertility struggles are colouring your perception of all this. You have to remember that your DD is a different person, perhaps she doesn't even want to have dc's, has she mentioned it? If she seems happy, be glad, it's something many parents don't get to see.

Demelzatree3 · 12/05/2020 12:39

Having a kid when she doesn't really want to is a sure way to be a bad mum too I think. Let her be.

TeaAndHobnob · 12/05/2020 12:39

Goodness, she's so young. Far too young for you to worry about her not settling down!

If she's happy, what's the problem? Lots of young people live like this, it's normal until well into their thirties.

QueenofStella · 12/05/2020 12:40

OP, I realise that in your generation it was the done thing to 'find a man, settle down and have children' (I'm guessing you are about the same age as my Mam - 60ish?). If you didn't do these things, you were a social pariah or had 'something wrong with you, left on the shelf, running out of time' etc. and were looked down on and pitied.

Luckily it isn't the same now, there has been a massive shift in thinking between your generation and ours (I'm mid 30s), and quite rightly, women (and men) should be able to live their lives exactly as they see fit, in whatever form that takes. Don't question anyone's choices or impose your views. Be happy if she is happy.

Booboodisney · 12/05/2020 12:40

So you’re an older parent but you want your dd to be settled down with a house and a baby on the way before she’s thirty ? What?!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/05/2020 12:41

Not everyone's aims in life are to meet a nice man to settle down with and start a family.

This, in absolute spades.

Leave the poor girl alone to live her life as she pleases, OP. Maybe she plans to spend the rest of her life partying and that is just as valid a life choice as 'settling down' with a mortgage, a nice man and a clutch of children.

tentative3 · 12/05/2020 12:42

She might very well not want those things and frankly, I'm surprised that in the middle of a life changing pandemic you're wondering why she's not desperate to have a child.

ChilliCheese123 · 12/05/2020 12:43

She’s earning good money and contributing to the economy. Living in a flat with her friend is probably so she doesn’t have to go home to an empty flat every night, that’s not exactly fun if you prefer to live with others. All the men around her will be similar - partying, dating but not settling down. It’s ok for richer financial type males to not settle down until their 40s, after a life of cocktails and nice dinners, only they choose slightly younger women to pop out a couple of requisite kids with. Maybe your dd doesn’t want to interrupt her career ? Most bosses would think she’d be mad in to take a break in her career at this point when it’s just got going.

KaptenKrusty · 12/05/2020 12:43

I’m 32 - met my now husband about 10 years ago - but we just lived a similar life to your daughter / we moved to London when I was 24 and we house shared for several years - we only moved to our own rental about 2 years ago - we still live a bit of a party life now, music festivals, club nights, a lot of travel, house parties! We are having a great time! We are saving as well though - almost have enough saved for a deposit - but we are not in a rush! Love our rental flat - and it’s in an area we could never afford to buy in so enjoying it while we can. We will settle Down eventually!

She sounds like she is just enjoying herself and I wouldn’t worry

Katinski · 12/05/2020 12:43

I'm another asking the question = does she actually want children?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2020 12:44

I've only read the op and the first response, but it's wound me up. No, no, no. This is everything that's wrong with society today. People just think getting married/having kids is the only end goal especially for females. Then most end up either divorced or miserable. For sure, if you want to get married/have kids then do it, but it's absolutely fine to not.,

sandragreen · 12/05/2020 12:48

Indeed.

Would you be asking the same question if your child was male OP?