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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
Wilkie1956mog · 13/05/2020 18:29

It's her life. As long as she is happy what is the issue?

okiedokieme · 13/05/2020 18:30

Not uncommon in cities, dd has a friend whose 40 and still lives in a flat share despite the fact she could easily buy, she prefers multiple holidays and designer clothes

Hagisonthehill · 13/05/2020 18:45

I moved to London at 28 and did much the same,made lots of friends and enjoyed life.
I didn't settle dow until late 30s but that was because I didn't meet anyone until later.
By that time my career was steady and I could continue part time then back to full after DD was born.

CorianderLord · 13/05/2020 18:46

So not your business.

I also moved to London and enjoy going out with friends/colleagues a lot. It's fun, we are Young. I'm 25 but my friends who I socialise with range from 23 to 35. Going out for drinks at the weekend and not buying a house is very normal. We are just living our lives.

I'm a little different as I met my partner at 18 so am not isolated romantically, but that was kind of a fluke. DP is in finance and they really do like to spend and drink 😂

Most of my older didn't have their kids until late 30s/ early 40s anyway.

@someeone1987 I think that as the retirement age gets pushed back so senior jobs move less, and as Uni becomes more common so lots of people don't leave education until 21/22, and also house prices are out of reach and so people live at home - the stages of life change. People become independent later.

CorianderLord · 13/05/2020 18:46

Although interestingly you must be very close as I don't think my mum has a clue when I go out or not.

Blah1881 · 13/05/2020 18:55

When I got pregnant at 31 in London I felt like a teenage mother! I had been earning heaps, out every night, not sleeping all weekend. Parties, raves, festivals- it was effing amazing and I wish I had had a few more years before I had to embrace domestic drudgery. I’m knocking 50 now and very happy with my lot, happily married with 3 kids and all I could desire materially. But I still think back on those days with regret that I couldn’t have squeezed out another few years of PLAY!

formerbabe · 13/05/2020 19:04

When I got pregnant at 31 in London I felt like a teenage mother

I was 25 and seen as very unusual amongst my circle...yes, like a teen mum

VK456 · 13/05/2020 19:21

I wish I’d done the same!

Be thankful that she is healthy and able to stand on her own two feet. Not all parents are this fortunate, remember Smile

Vynalbob · 13/05/2020 19:41

I think it's definitely normal for London and maybe a handful of other places...but you're in step with everywhere else (mostly).
Having said that you cannot live someone's life for them...if she's happy good on her....I'd rather that that jump into the wrong relationship (anyone can seem suitable for a day with gf's family)

Barney60 · 13/05/2020 19:45

My daughters only just "settled down" shes 40. I think have much more disposable income nowadays so dont want to get tied down too early. I dont blame them either!

Starrynight73 · 13/05/2020 20:08

The only future security your daughter needs is job security in order for her to live the lifestyle she chooses. Sounds to me she has already got that certainly great prospects anyway.
She definitely doesn't need to be married/long term relationship, need the headache of a huge mortgage and all the stress that goes with that and definitely doesn't need children to be happy and secure. One day, these maybe the things she feels will fulfill her, for now sounds to me like she has a fantastic life, building memories she will always look back on with much happiness.

Choccylips · 13/05/2020 20:11

I think you love your daughter so much that you're very worried. You could put it to her that it would greatly be in her own interest for her to buy a property, she could then rent a room out to friends or just let the whole of it out. She will then have security for the future no matter what she decides.

MurphyDog5 · 13/05/2020 20:40

She’s in her twenties, I can’t remember half of my twenties, it’s the time to be enjoying life. I met my DP when I was 31 & he was 39, we were both ready to commit. We had our first child when I was 35 & he was 43, I’m glad I spent my twenties living for the moment & making amazing memories with my friends. Your daughter has plenty of time to settle down.

Hwyrynos · 13/05/2020 20:41

Wish I had her life! I’m 35 and single alwith no house but all my friends are well and truly settled down! I’d love the city life, but couldn’t afford it 😢

FelicisNox · 13/05/2020 23:00

@Jjsiter there's no such thing as "sensible choices" just choices.

Maybe buying a house but that's it.

I thought your original post was misunderstood and then I read your 3rd post. You meant what you said the 1st time.

Do yourself a favour and take the advice offered: love her, support her and respect her choices. That's your only job.

As others have said, getting married and having kids may be her idea of hell and she may be gay/bisexual or she may have been in a bad relationship before and in no rush to end up in the same situation again and she should not be pushed into making choices to please you that may be toxic.

Wolfgirrl · 13/05/2020 23:19

Haven't RTFT but it entirely depends on what your daughter wants from life.

If she has expressed a desire to have a family and settle down, I agree a chat might be in order. Yes it is 'normal' for anyone less than 35 to be partying their life away and saying they have all the time in the world, but nature doesn't care about what is socially normal. There are so many threads on here about women eaten up by trying to conceive in their 40s, and wondering why it isn't happening for them. Obviously plenty of women can and do fall pregnant in their 40s with ease, but statistically it is a lot less likely.

However if she has not expressed such a desire then you would be very unreasonable to mention it, and you should let her live her life how she chooses.

angelfacecuti75 · 14/05/2020 00:11

She's 28 and whether you like it or not she's got to make her own decisions and choices. You don't need a good man or a fanily to be happy , yes it's nice but not the be,all and end all. She only has one life . I agree with you with the housing thing though x

letitgolego · 14/05/2020 00:51

@countrycasual

"Oh yes OP it’s totally normal but, in my opinion, a bit sad to do long term.

I spent my early 20’s in London living this life and had many friends and colleagues doing the same. It was all well and good for those of us

LittleLemonTree · 14/05/2020 01:24

Your daughter sounds exactly like I was age 28, working in Financial Services, living in London and having an absolute ball. My Mum worried like you do. I went on to get married at 34, have 4 children and a pretty normal life. It's OK!!!!

mummytraveller · 14/05/2020 03:31

Very much lifestyle for many of my friends in cities.. not everyone is the same, I'm 25 and thinking about kid no2, depends on what she wantsSmile

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 14/05/2020 07:05

OP - are you not projecting what you perhaps missed in your own life and wishing that your daughter will do everything you couldn't do / didn't achieve? Are you wishing that your daughter will provide you with a life ---"My daughter has bought property in London, my daughter has married a suitable man, my daughter has children...…..well,didn't I bring her up well! And I love my son-in-law and I am the best Grandma there has ever been.Haven't I done well?

DoTheNextRightThing · 14/05/2020 07:08

What a horrible way to think. Your daughter will live her life however she sees fit.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 14/05/2020 07:08

OP - "and prior to all that, she had a successful career" You sound like Hyacinth Bucket and her Sheridan.

Riverviews · 14/05/2020 07:15

I had my child when I was 33. Until the day I got pregnant, I was socialising like your daughter does. It was fantastic and i don't regret a single minute. She'll calm down when she's ready but she's far too young to settle down now

Grumpos · 14/05/2020 07:52

My god her life sounds fabulous

Don’t wish away these years of fun and freedom and ability to do just as she wishes - socialise, travel, work hard, date and explore life.

The day might come soon enough when she has to move to the suburbs, lose sight of her career and spend night after sleepless night dealing with toddler tantrums and screaming newborns!!! No fancy holidays and no real social life.
Which there is nothing wrong with - but why be in a hurry for her to lose the precious time she has to really focus on herself and prioritise her own needs. Which absolutely disappear when you start a family. (I hope they come back at some point!)