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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:33

@MintyFreshFemale Not by choice, years of infertility unfortunately... which is another reason why I worry about DD leaving it too late.

OP posts:
EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 12/05/2020 11:34

She has a good job, friends and is independent, happy and having fun. As a parent, that’s exactly what I’d want for my child. Why does she need to be married off and have kids? She may never want that but clearly doesn’t at the moment.

I’d be very careful about overstepping if I was you. You say you’re close but that could change if she feels you are interfering. Some of your comments are very judgemental. Leave her to it, she’s an adult.

Thymelord · 12/05/2020 11:34

Not everyone's aims in life are to meet a nice man to settle down with and start a family

^^ this. For many people, that's the absolute opposite of what they want! Just because you think she should "settle down" (whatever that actually means other than snagging a man and reproducing), absolutely doesn't mean she has to share the same opinion. It's her life, not yours.

dottiedodah · 12/05/2020 11:34

I think as long as shes happy then whats the deal? I see where you are coming from ,but this is the "lifestyle" many young professionals want .As she turns 30 she may settle down who knows? I think most women have children later and this is good ,as she will have plenty of time to sow her "wild oats" Obviously the downside is if she wants to conceive may be more difficult as she gets older .Also many young men wary of commitment as well !

Glitteryone · 12/05/2020 11:35

YABU.

Life is for living and it sounds like your daughter is enjoying her life.

zscaler · 12/05/2020 11:35

I think this is totally normal and also - even if it wasn’t, your daughter is happy with her choices, and that’s all that really matters.

Not everyone wants to settle down with a house and husband, especially in their twenties. If she does decide to do those things eventually, she will never again have the freedom she does now to let loose and enjoy herself. She is right to take advantage of the opportunities her age, location and finances afford her.

People take different paths in life, and not everyone settles down. She may regret not doing so some day, but she could equally settle down and then regret that. Her choices and their consequences are hers to make and live with.

HighlandSpring101 · 12/05/2020 11:37

Jesus, 28 is no age. She’s still so young. She will probably meet someone in a few years when she’s in her early 30’s and go from there. Relationships tend to move quicker when you’re in your 30’s. And as for children, not everyone WANTS children you know. It’s perfectly possible to have a fun, fulfilled and amazing life without them Hmm

cardibach · 12/05/2020 11:37

But I do sympathise with women who haven't met anyone
You mean a man, don’t you @Someone1987 ? Or at least someone to couple up with. She has met people. She has lots of friends and shares living accommodation with at least one of them. Not being in a couple is not something to ‘sympathise’ about, unless you know for absolute certain the person you are sympathising with actually wants to be in a couple and hasn’t managed it.

LudaMusser · 12/05/2020 11:38

She won't be going out every night socialising now or for the foreseeable future

Bars and restaurants won't be the same for a very long time

AJPTaylor · 12/05/2020 11:38

Good for her!

Glowcat · 12/05/2020 11:39

It’s totally normal. She sounds happy. If you’re worried about her future fertility because of your issues, then tell her about your problems and encourage her to get a private check up and maybe look into freezing her eggs. If you don’t like the way she chooses to live her life then get over it.

louderthan1 · 12/05/2020 11:39

I'm jealous. I was doing that until my mid 30s and the only thing that stopped it was being made redundant and simply not being able to afford to live in London any more.
Perfectly normal. Maybe she doesn't want to have kids? I certainly don't and I'd think 28 was pretty young to have a baby tbh. The trend among my friends has been to wait til early/mid 30s once life has been lived a bit!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/05/2020 11:40

I keep reading really similar threads and the comments all indicate the same thing - YABU.

Zenzenzenzen · 12/05/2020 11:42

@Someone1987 so you judge that you haven’t been babied as you’ve popped out a kid? That makes zero sense. Having a baby is not an indicator of maturity, responsibility etc.

@Jjsiter I met my DH at 29. Prior to that my life was as per your daughters and it has left me with many wonderful friends and memories. I haven’t been in a nightclub now in about 2 years (now 34)

I wouldn’t worry.

doodleygirl · 12/05/2020 11:42

I think you should be very proud of the confident and independent woman you brought up.

bibbidybobbidyboo · 12/05/2020 11:42

@cardibach to be fair to @Someone1987 I think she was specifically replying to my point about how a lot of people I know mid to late 20s want to be in relationships but aren't.

I'd say that I know a lot of people who want to be in relationships or want to own homes but far fewer who want to be married or have kids.

Someone1987 · 12/05/2020 11:43

@cardibach yes. If someone wanted to settle down and hadn't found someone that is a seperate issue. I would then symphathize with them if that was the case.

Herpesfreesince03 · 12/05/2020 11:44

Who cares if it’s normal or not? It’s her life and she should live it how she likes. Heaven forbid someone does what makes them happy instead of following the life rules their mothers made up for them 🙄

Someone1987 · 12/05/2020 11:44

@@bibbidybobbidyboo thank you

NailsNeedDoing · 12/05/2020 11:44

In the nicest possible way, are you sure you’ve got your daughters best interests at heart, or is it that you’re ready to start enjoying things that you may have seen friends with daughters do, like help plan their weddings or become grandparents?

EmeraldShamrock · 12/05/2020 11:45

It is completely normal. I met DP at 26, I'd no intention of settling down.
Besides when she decides to, if she decides to, it happens quick when your older no faffing about for 10 years.

Emmagen · 12/05/2020 11:45

At her age I was married with a baby.... but I was the only one of my childhood friends who was. Now 30 and one other of my old school friends has a baby. A handful are married but most are living like your daughter.

My choices are not their choices and we are all happy with our lives. I look at their awesome holiday photos somewhat wistfully and they comment on baby stuff. It really is normal to settle down later now. I had a baby at 27 and was absolutely one of the younger mums at most baby groups I went to.

turnthebiglightoff · 12/05/2020 11:45

It's not "a bit sad" at all! How patronising and Boomer-y!

ABucketOfShells · 12/05/2020 11:47

Unfortunately, you have 35 year old ‘teenagers’ these days.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 12/05/2020 11:47

Sorry, mum, but this is not your business. Let your DD live her life the way she wants to.

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