In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

[Jjsiter]

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

I was living that exact life at 28 and I look back on my 20s as some of the best times of my life. Please try not to worry. I settled down mid 30s and was ready to more or less by then. My sister had her children younger and felt very unhappy and like she was missing out on fun and socialising at the time although she loved her children obviously. I didn’t experience too much of that when I had my DD at 35. My parents never questioned my life plans and I appreciated that.

Sounds normal to me - I did the same at her age and as a PP said, still do this now occasionally with colleagues and friends (early 40s now married - so hope for her yet!)

She sounds like I was. So much fun and no regrets. She'll probably want to meet someone when a few more of her friends settle down. Things like this happen in waves. I met my DH when I was 28. I had only really just started to think about settling down and only 1 or 2 of my friends had. I do understand what you are saying but even so.... You can't have any control over it or force her to. As you know. You'll only be met with eye rolls anyway . The main thing I would be doing is trying to get her to think about talking to a financial advisor or at the very least think about a long term Savings plan. She sounds like she is doing really well.

Even if your DD was still living this life style when she is 40 or even 50- good on her!
I am a 35 year old who settled down in my earl thirties, got married and have a career etc but my sister is a year younger and is still living a very foot lose and fancy free life with friends and fun at the centre- I say good on her!
If your daughter feels that you're pressuring her or can't accept her for who she is and her choices then your relationship will suffer.
Don't be selfish and project what makes you happy on to her.

loose*
early*

OP, please do NOT say anything to your daughter about this. Either she doesn’t want these things yet, in which case she will feel judged. Or she does want them and just hasn’t found the right man yet, in which case she will feel immense pressure.

Just focus on being proud of her successes and be ready to commiserate if she comes to you with any upset.

I was exactly the same as her at her age and whilst I hugely enjoyed the partying, I was also desperate to find the right man (not to marry or have kids, just to be in a stable, long term relationship). Part of the party lifestyle involves meeting lots of guys and dating lots (I never told my parents anything about any of the guys I got with or dated) but sometimes you just don’t meet the right person so it takes longer to get into that relationship. It took me 4 years. Anytime my mum brought the topic up it would just make me panic and feel miserable as she made me feel like a freak for not meeting the right person yet.

Please please just leave her to it, she’s a grown woman and will either be having the time of her life or trying to meet someone and not having the luck yet. You interfering will not help her out in either of these situations and will just cause a wedge between you.

How can you just 'decide' to 'settle down'? She obviously hasn't found a person she wants to do that with yet. Or, she doesn't WANT to do it yet or at all!

You can't just decide to settle down and have children, at least not in the 'sensible' way you want her to, OP. She could decide to have a baby right this second and then she would be forced to settle down, but I suspect that isn't what you deem acceptable.

I was a mum at 23, married a narcissist and spent 6 years being abused. Trust me - she's doing just fine! She's in no rush to settle down which is excellent, sadly after my long term relationship broke down and I was a single mum with a young child I was easily fooled into thinking a narcissist was my knight in shining armour and he ruined our lives completely. Years of therapy, police reports, social services and court battles, oh and he stole or destroyed most of my possessions and my money. I love my kids but I had so much I wanted to do before I settled down and never wanted to be a single mum. The life I have now I love but it but has been a crap ride to get here.

Be glad she is in no rush, be glad she is happy. She is making the most of her life while she is free to do so and is still so very young. If I didn't have kids I would be doing the same and Im in my 30s! In fact that was my exact plan - to be travelling carefree with friends til I grew tired of a nomadic life and wanted to put down roots, but life sometimes changes your plans!

OP, I suggest you read some of the posts on here by women about the cruddy men in their lives - abusers, physical, emotional, financial, cheaters, lazy, zero love or respect for their partner. Be grateful your DD is not one of those women

I'm guessing you are saying all this because you want grandchildren, I think you will have to be patient while your daughter enjoys her life just as it is.

Research has shown single women and married men live the longest - I'm honestly not surprised.

Mp

Let her be. It's her life. Some people meet a partner in their teens and are happy for life. Some have adventures and settle down when they are 40. Some settle for what doesn't really make them happy because society or their parents have made them believe they have to. There are so many ways to be happy. We are all individuals and we do not have to live a certain way to make someone else feel comfortable. Let her take as long as it takes. It really doesn't matter.

It's 2020 OP. Not everyones goal or priority is marriage and kids.

What's this got to do with London?? She sounds pretty normal to me. Its not the 1950s.

This was me aged 28, living with friends in London, renting and our every night. It was great.
Finally got serious about meeting somebody when I was 33.. pregnant by age 35 and the rest is history

My DD is almost 30. She’s showing no signs of settling down or shown any interest in having children. She’s happy, that’s all I can ask. I’ve no desire for grandchildren either !

This is a complete wind up post!

OP, sounds like you’ve raised a feckless drug user.

Maybe that’s why she’s not keen on following you on a path to motherhood?

I did this in London in my 20s. I had a great, job, loads of money, and I partied hard! . It was bloody brilliant and I have many fantastic memories (and some very hazy ones). I 'settled down' got married and had my son and moved to Ireland in my thirties, and now I'm an old gimmer of 50 I feel my life has been so full and happy! I very much hope my son has an equally good time, I'd be a bit horrified if he 'settled down' (yawn!) young!

Maybe she aspires to be more than a wife and mother.

OP read through the relationship board on here to see how many women have terrible experiences or end up with an abuser for a husband and due to being a Sahp with a few children don’t see a way out.

Your DD is clearly a fabulous woman, with a great career, friends and a brilliant social life. What’s not to like. When she does meet someone special and settle down, she will have a well paid career and be financially independent, which will give her a huge amount of choices.

I lived my life to the full at her age and have no regrets. I loved it. I got married at 35 and had DS when I was 36.