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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 12/05/2020 13:29

It can be normal in London especially while working in financial services as it’s a work hard party hard culture. But once she passes 30 she won’t be classed as young within financial services any more and so some things (like turning up to work hungover etc) won’t be forgiven. Also, while yes it can be normal for people in the London financial services crowd to be single, drink and party alot throughout their thirties and early forties, it’s considered a bit sad once you go past 35.

francienolan · 12/05/2020 13:29

Maybe she hasn't met anyone she wants to be in a serious relationship with. You wouldn't want her to settle, right?

I got married at 25 and it was 2 years before any of my friends my age started getting married themselves. I think 25 is young in general but I met my husband at uni and it was right for us. It won't be right for everyone. And we do not have children yet (4 years later).

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/05/2020 13:30

Does your DD want children one day? She may perhaps not, which is her choice.

However, if she does the way you have written your post is not the angle I would have gone for but I think i understand your worries.

I'm 34 btw. I'm seeing many many friends who blithely assumed they could start having babies any time up to about age 45 , now struggling with miscarriages, extremely complicated pregnancies, not being able to conceive the second child they planned etc as they have left it too late.

easy fertility in your late 30s is not guaranteed.

However, you are probably going to be too emotionally attached regarding the subject of grandchildren to meaningfully discuss it with her. Have you got any relatives or close amily friends who are perhaps 5 yrs down the line from your DD who might subtly chat to her and share a bit of hindsight?

It looks like you would also like her to be a bit more financially prudent... I think this one is one which if she hadn't learned it as a child/teen, you probably can't teach her now, she will learn the hard way. The only thing you can do is ensure you are not bailing her out etc and delaying her learning.

dementedma · 12/05/2020 13:30

You're lucky yours has at least moved out. My 29 year old dd is still at home!

CeibaTree · 12/05/2020 13:32

At 28, my friends and I were living a similar lifestyle to your daughter. 10 years later we are all settled down with children. 28 seems so young to me now!

SospanFrangipan · 12/05/2020 13:32

How your daughter chooses to live her life isn't really anything to do with you, or anyone else for that matter. Leave her be and stop judging her for her choices!
While I have been in a long term relationship, now married with a child, my best friend (35) is single, still loves with her parents but is a successful business owner. Her choice & she's very happy.

JRUIN · 12/05/2020 13:34

Who cares if it's 'the new normal' or not. It's your daughter's life and she is quite rightly living it how she wants to. She's working hard, hurting nobody and is happy Be grateful for that.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 12/05/2020 13:35

I disagree with the idea that it's 'none of your business', you're not just some busybody parent, you have a good relationship with your daughter so you have concerns for her much like a good friend would. I don't think it's something to worry about though. If she does decide one day to settle down then she will probably look back and say 'wow I lived a crazy lifestyle before'. Then she'll feel lucky that she has a mum that cares enough to try to guide her. Also a mum that's aware enough to check if she's being pushy or worrying about nothing. Keep being your daughter's friend and checking in on her. Give her any advice that you feel she needs, you're her mum! I can only imagine what I'll be like when my daughter is in her twenties 😂 x

lastqueenofscotland · 12/05/2020 13:36

I’m 28 and do not live in London. Of my immediate friend group, one is married with a baby. Everyone else still lives the sort of lifestyle you are worrying about your daughter having.
As long as she is happy, in the nicest way, back off. A boyfriend and a baby isn’t the be all and end all of happiness for a woman.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/05/2020 13:36

This was how I lived at 28 - good job and amazing social life! Luckily my parents left me to it. By 35 I was married with a baby. It doesn't mean she'll live like that forever. I'm 44 now and so happy I had an exciting 20s!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/05/2020 13:36

DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men

Ruth De Witt Bukater, is that you?

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 12/05/2020 13:37

I'm the same age as your daughter (29 in July)
I am married, have a mortgage and a qualified nurse, working full time with two very young children (16w and 2.5yrs)
My mother still is not happy
🤷🏻‍♀️

Spied · 12/05/2020 13:37

I'd be very happy for DD.
She's living the dream ( as they sayBlush)
I'm very jealous.

Isitweekendyet · 12/05/2020 13:37

She is happy and she is healthy, isn't that all we want for our kids?

She may never 'settle down', she may never want to. Just because she doesn't conform to the societal norms of having a husband and children doesn't make her life a failure.

Let her live her own life the way she wants, challenging her will only cause a rift between you. At the end of the day, she's only 28, she has her entire life to settle down.

megletthesecond · 12/05/2020 13:38

It's normal.
Although she could do worse than get herself a small mortgage and trim the partying back a tiny bit.

MulticolourMophead · 12/05/2020 13:38

I'm 51, and I wasted my life on an abusive prick. While I have time to go and do things for myself now, it's no substitute for enjoying your life and making your own decisions when younger.

OP, let your DD be, she's old enough to make her own decisions. I'm encouraging both my DC to follow what they want to do, and not to make me a grandmother unless they absolutely want to do that.

It's their lives, their decisions.

Thisismytimetoshine · 12/05/2020 13:39

You might need to take your snout out of your adult daughter's affairs, op. Her priorities are clearly very different to yours, and that's fine.

StatementKnickers · 12/05/2020 13:41

28? You are being SO unreasonable.

If she has the money, tell her to consider freezing her eggs. Then she can party for at least 10 more years Wine Gin Glitterball

DilemmaADay · 12/05/2020 13:41

@Someone1987 well that's very lucky for you, but appreciate others might not have had the same financial circumstances to move out or met the right person to have children with.

@Jjsiter just a word of advice, my friends DParents were constantly pressuring her to settle down and 'find a nice man' which lead to her going off the rails due to rebelling from pressure, then getting into a string on unhappy unhealthy relationships whilst her DMother was clucking around her like a hen because she was finally "with someone". That person is now very unhappy and makes chaotic decisions whilst mum sits all doe eyed and oblivious because at least shes attempted to settle down.
You sound so caring though and your daughter sounds like shes living a great life :)

begladtoseethebackoff2020 · 12/05/2020 13:42

At the same age I was doing the same as her, in the same industry. That was over twenty years ago. It's normal and nothing new. She'll 'settle down' when she is ready.

Mmmmycorona · 12/05/2020 13:43

she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future

Who says? I appreciate this your opinion but she is a 28 year old woman, If she lives to regret it, then it’s her regret to live with.

meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

Maybe she doesn’t want to settle down, maybe she would like to settle down with a woman, maybe she doesn’t want a family of her own. You’re putting a lot of your ideals onto her. You’re making her life very textbook and that’s not for everyone.

MulticolourMophead · 12/05/2020 13:45

DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men

And maybe she's gay and hasn't told you. Maybe she's bi, etc. You've only placed a few posts on this thread, yet your attitude in wanting your DD to settle down with a 'nice man' and have DC is very strong. I bet your DD knows exactly what you think and isn't telling you too much about her really personal stuff.

I would agree with the poster about your DD buying a property. If she wants to carry on flatsharing, she can rent that property out.

Ginfordinner · 12/05/2020 13:45

Not everyone's aims in life are to meet a nice man to settle down with and start a family. Do you know if that's even something your daughter wants?

I agree. I think you are projecting what you want, not what she might want out of life. All I want for my DD is for her to be happy. She hates babies so children are not going to be on the horizon, and quite frankly I don't mind either way.

BuffaloCauliflower · 12/05/2020 13:45

@StatementKnickers fertilisation with frozen eggs only works around 5% of the time. It’s really not a very good solution

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 12/05/2020 13:46

YABVU. I'm so pleased my mother isn't like you and instead actively encourages me to live my life how I want and not what is expected. FWIW I'm 27.