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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
peperethecat · 12/05/2020 12:49

You are being very very very unreasonable and yes, completely out of touch.

Your daughter is 28 years old, which is just about the perfect age of being old enough to make your own decisions about how you want to live your life and ideally having a large enough income to be able to enjoy yourself, but not really needing to worry about "settling down" yet.

She is in the prime of life. She will "settle down" when she is ready, or not at all, if she doesn't want to.

Live your life and let her live hers as she sees fit. It sounds like she's having a fabulous time. Good for her.

VisionQuest · 12/05/2020 12:49

Are you sure this isn't about you hankering after grandchildren?

I got married at 26 which was very young in hindsight. First child at 32 by choice. I wasn't ready to give up my life and freedoms before that and I could have easily put it off for another few years.

She's happy, just leave her be. I'm sure she probably already knows about your fertility problems so she will act on it if she sees fit.

Queenoftheashes · 12/05/2020 12:55

Good for her! She’s not stupid enough to believe that marrying some pointless man and getting knocked up is the pinnacle of her potential.
Most of mumsnet seems to be filled with women in extremely regrettable marriages. Some are married to men who ignore their children, hide in the toilet all day and don’t even flush it!
There’s no “should” about settling down. She should just do what she wants to do. It doesn’t seem to be folding a man’s pants at this point in time.
And even if settling down was important she’s in her 20s. Why bother until 30s?

hammeringinmyhead · 12/05/2020 12:56

It's not new. "This Life" was about 20 somethings sharing a flat in London and was made in 1996. "Friends" is obviously American and features exactly the same lifestyle in New York.

Life isn't a series of boxes to tick. My friend lived in London for years, met a girl, gave up his job and moved out here to the SW to be near her parents. After 10 years she has just dumped him and had a baby with someone else. Did he "settle down"? Yep. It got him nowhere.

Elsiebear90 · 12/05/2020 12:58

I feel sorry for your daughter, that despite being successful, happy, independent, having a great social life and many friends you are “worried” about her, don’t approve of the way she lives her life and are clearly disappointed that she hasn’t “found a nice man” and settled down yet.

First of all, it’s not every woman’s goal in life to get a husband, and second of all, why not appreciate how great her and her life is instead of focussing on how “sad” it is that she’s not “settled down” yet. She clearly does not want to “settle down” and will have definitely picked up that you are very disappointed and concerned about her single status, which will more than likely be very upsetting for her, even if she doesn’t show it.

Sparklesocks · 12/05/2020 12:58

Your daughter is an adult who can make her own decisions about her life. If she’s happy then she’s happy, you should be supportive and be glad. Isn’t that what we want for our children?

Rainbow12e · 12/05/2020 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmpressSuiko · 12/05/2020 12:59

I’d also say it’s normal, I was married and had my first DC at 22 and second DC at 24, when I think back I realise how young I was (not that I’d change anything!) I was also in the minority, only a two of my school friends had also had children at that age and married a few years later than me.
The majority of people I know only started to marry or have children in their late 20s early 30s and some still haven’t chosen that lifestyle and are still out partying every weekend.

TP67 · 12/05/2020 12:59

My biggest regret is not doing what your daughter is doing. Living life before the drudgery sets in!

Bristolbitsandbobs · 12/05/2020 13:02

I do remember my own DM being very upset when my Dsis got engaged at 23, married at 24 and pregnant with my DN a few months later. My DM was worried she was wasting her life Grin

My DSis is still married to my lovely DBil, with two really lovely DC. My DM needn’t have worried.

Purplegorilla · 12/05/2020 13:03

As long as she doesnt have a drink or drug problem then it's fine.
She won't be doing much partying for a whirl now anyway..maybe this time will help her reflect and see if she wants any of the things you've mentioned, maybe not.

TheVanguardSix · 12/05/2020 13:06

I really wouldn't sweat it, OP.
My 20s was one long pub crawl through Cool Brittania with Blur as my soundtrack. I was recovering from a bender and a half when I learned I was pregnant with DC1 at the age of 28, with a boyfriend I'd only been with for a few months. It was a swift 'all change' kick up the backside.

The ONLY thing I would push your DD on is to buy a flat! That is the one piece of advice I would tell anyone listening. The man or the woman, the babies, the car... it either happens or it doesn't (and it is incredibly likely that it will all happen for your DD, so don't sweat it, OP). But if she's earning well, help her invest in a property now. The rest will come.

mynameiscalypso · 12/05/2020 13:07

@Bristolbitsandbobs I remember my very conservative and traditional grandmother saying the same to me about my cousin when she got married at 25!

Hadjab · 12/05/2020 13:08

My daughter is 28 and about to have her first child. Been with her partners for 11 years. Went to university locally - to be fair, it is the 2nd best uni for her course of study. If I’m honest, I would have loved her to ‘live a bit more’, but as long as she’s happy, I’m happy!

paap1975 · 12/05/2020 13:09

Leave her alone. It's none of your business. She may never find "the one". I met my DH at 38 and married at 42. I'm glad I took my time. At times I thought I would never marry. It wouldn't have been the end of the world. I have my own value as an individual. I don't need to be defined by my relationship with a man.

TheVanguardSix · 12/05/2020 13:10

Funny, reading the comments. I regret not starting a family at 24. I was 29 when DC1 was born, but I wish I started younger. But our path is our path and what a blessed path it is.

Fruitytootie · 12/05/2020 13:11

I'm 28. Settled down with two children. I'm very happy and dont regret settling down young, but I do someones wish I had more of that fun city life for a while instead of being so "sensible".

Leave her be.

Bristolbitsandbobs · 12/05/2020 13:14

@mynameiscalypso I bet your Grandmother realised the life that women often get for their 'achievement' of settling down. Clearly an insightful woman and before her time.

Demelzatree3 · 12/05/2020 13:16

Would you be asking the same question if your child was male OP?

Many parents wouldn't because men can father children even in their 70s.

India999 · 12/05/2020 13:17

Cringe!!

Normal.

Demelzatree3 · 12/05/2020 13:18

So I guess the thinking would be "if DD ends up wanting children when she's older it might be too late, but it would never be too late for my DS because they don't have a meno" which could explain some of the difference in pressure put on female children.

HappyDinosaur · 12/05/2020 13:19

'Settling down', it's like taking a step back in time!

LolaLollypop · 12/05/2020 13:19

Completely normal in London. Most people party through their 20's and early 30's here and settle down sometime around 35. I got married at 31, and had DC at 34 and 37. Plenty of my friends are 40 and are still living the "London life". I was itching to get back to it after the birth of DC2 in Feb but looks like the virus has curbed that for now!

Let your daughter enjoy her youth. If she's still doing this at 38 maybe have a chat with her to see what she wants.

Crystal87 · 12/05/2020 13:23

I wouldn't say it was normal for this age group. Most people I know around this age have a couple of children and are married or live with a partner. On the other hand I know someone that lives with their parents rent free and has never paid a household bill, which isn't great. But it is fine for her to live this way as long as that's what she wants and she's happy.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/05/2020 13:26

My DD lives in Oz but is the same age as your DD and has a very similar lifestyle.

We are programmed to worry about them, OP, but it's our job to be happy for them as long as they are happy.

Our lives are not their lives. Happiness is more than being tied to a relationship and mortgage.