AIBU - partner wants me to stop speaking Italian with my mum

[countrywalks1]

AIBU? Me and my partner have been staying at my mum's flat because of covid issues. She told me after 2 days here that she feels it's rude that I speak Italian with mum in front of her as she doesn't know what's going on and doesn't understand the language. I replied saying I understand it must be frustrating not to know, especially as she's the kind of person who likes to know everything, and the pandemic is really tough on her as she's homesick and hasn't been home properly for months, so I can understand why as she says she feels excluded.

However, my counterpoint was that I usually (about 60%) talk with mum in Italian. Culturally, I would say I'm half British and half Italian - I've mostly grown up in the UK but was born and most of my extended family are and live in Italy. I speak Italian fluently, but if I don't speak it regularly it gets a bit worse as I get out of practice with tenses and conjugations etc.

So I speak Italian with my mum because: 1) for me it's the language we've always communicated; 2) it makes me feel more connected with my Italian culture; 3) it pleases me to practice it; 4) I'm pretty sure my mum prefers talking to me in Italian than in English as she doesn't really get to speak it with anyone after my granddad (her dad) passed away a few years ago as did my very bilingually fluent brother. It's complicated I know!!!!

So told this to my partner, she says she appreciates the reasoning but still unnecessary to speak it when she's there as it feels she's excluded. I told her I understand why but I struggle to understand why she couldn't move past it as I've been in the same situation with friends speaking a language I don't understand where I just talk English when I can, or ask what's going on. The other thing is that usually my mum will save talking to me in Italian for mum things like telling me off or telling me to do something. I emphasised that we're never using it to talk about her or be nasty, and we kind of slip into it naturally.

Still she says she feels excluded, which at this point I understand. She was also in my opinion a bit nasty and in anger said we moved over here to the UK and chose to stay so we shouldn't really be talking Italian anymore anyway, we should be British. This I put down to anger that I wasn't understanding her point of view. In her defence she did also say I could speak it if I taught her Italian, although I struggle that the emphasis is on me to teach her when we have been together for 8 years and even gone over to visit my Italian relatives in Italy and been to weddings etc - without ever having tried to learn. Albeit we've been doing vocational education together throughout this time so many other important things to learn.

So last night I worked really hard to make sure I spoke only in English with everyone, so when mum asked me something in Italian I actively made sure to reply in English.

I just need to know AIBU in feeling disappointed? I understand my partner's frustration, and I can try to cut down on the Italian for a little while because of the circumstances - it's tough being homesick and then not even being able to understand the conversation where you are. It's just the request that I cut down on speaking Italian with my mum when she's also there - as I told her, I expect that I will always see mum with her (we're planning on getting married). I also feel that she's asking me to hide away (in the context of communicating with mum) a little part of my own culture. Therefore, AIBU to not let this lie?

How will the poor snowflake cope if you have a dc?.
She should be making all efforts to learn Italian imo!!.
Or tell her to buggar off..
In English!

It’s a tricky one, as my partner doesn’t speak my mother tongue and he has no issues with me talking to my mum in my mother tongue around him (however, I include him as much as possible and translate often). However, I can see how it may get wearing for your partner too.

Does your mum speak English fluently? I think you need a compromise. So at the dinner table, you speak English and if you’re having a coffee with your mum or something you should be able to speak to her in Italian.

Red flag. She is a twat.

To communicate in one language knowing knowing that your in the presence of someone who doesn,t spk it is a bit rude. You and your mum could try to teach her some Itallian if she wants, but in her presence probably best to spk English. If there were other family members or non English speakers then fine, but you can all speak English so best to do that and include everyone

I don’t know I think it’s a bit rude if it’s in front of her

YANBU. Keep up your Italian. It's a lovely thing to speak more than one language.

If you had children, would she expect you not to speak Italian to them?

As per the previous, if you end up having kids, it would be a massive advantage for them for you to speak Italian to them and she English so they grow up bilingual. I understand her not wanting to spend the entire evening being excluded but not allowing you to talk at all in Italian sounds pretty controlling particularly when she knows how much it means to both you and your mum. The comments saying you should be British are just horrible and denying a part of who you are! You should both be willing to compromise here not just you.

I love languages and would want to speak Italian myself too, but I wouldn’t because I would feel rude and that I was making my OH feel left out (even without them saying anything). It’s like people having a conversation across someone else without involving them at all. Perhaps have a set time to speak in Italian for an hour? I also can’t see the point of taking your partner with you to visit your mum in the future if you’re going to speak in a language that she can’t understand. (your partner could learn a bit of Italian herself to make an effort and compromise on her side as well)

Sorry I think your partner is being unreasonable here. She's dictating what language you and your Mum can speak in your Mum's property. Wow!

It's a bit ignorant of your partner to make that "you moved here so should speak English comment". I wouldn't be impressed with that. It's disrespectful to your culture and heritage.

My opinion is that after 8 years she could make the effort to learn Italian herself. Michel Thomas CDs are great and have a really short learning curve for sentence structure and grammar. You feel like you learn loads really quickly. Others rate Duolingo although I've never got on with it.

It seems there's a bit of obstinate 'everyone should speak english' mentality going on that is a distinctly British (English) attitude. Personally I'd carry on as you are, translate as necessary and the rest is up to her.

I think it’s a bit rude to be having conversations around her in a language she doesn’t understand. Especially if it is only the three of you at home. I know it would make me paranoid and uncomfortable if it was happening consistently

Who else is living in the house and what language do they speak? I mean, are there several people and it is only the chat between you and your mum she is missing out on ? If so, it doesn't seem so serious as if it were just the three of you living together.

I agree that it sounds very worrying her saying that now you live in the UK you should "be British" which apparently means you never speak your other language!

As a PP said, what happens if you have a child? HOpefullly you would bring it up bilingually? Will have a hissy fit over that as well??

She’s being hugely unreasonable.

There are times when you should speak English - like if the three of you were sitting down for a meal together, or if you are talking about something that concerns her - but she doesn’t get to dictate how you and your mum communicate.

YANBU. I’m Welsh speaking and my (English) DH doesn’t mind me speaking Welsh to my family.

You have been together for 8 years and she has made no effort at all to learn even basic Italian? Even though the two of you meet up with your mum regularly? This is quite odd. I could kind of understand if it were a difficult language, like Chinese or Arabic. But Italian?

I think it's perfectly fine for you and your mum to chat in Italian if it's a specific conversation between the two of you, as long as you speak English at the dinner table, when you're all sitting together watching TV, drinking tea etc.

It is a bit rude to speak a language that excludes someone in the room so I would say she’s not being unreasonable if for long parts of the day/evening she can’t join you and your mum in conversation

However, there are ways to bring that up and her comment about you “coming over here” is horrendous and would have me seeing her in a quite a different light.

She’s being unreasonable. How unreasonable depends on how much she’s excluded from conversation

My daughter's ex boyfriend is Italian. His family spoke Italian in the house because that's their native language. So my daughter learned the language. Ex is long gone and she is at Uni doing Italian and Spanish.

Best way to learn Italian conversation is from native speakers.

I see a bit of both sides of this - DH and his whole family are French - he is fluent in English and French - I am most certainly not fluent in French but can communicate the basics and follow a conversation pretty well now although not be able to fully contribute (still has some issues with confidence!) So often when we visit DH family particularly in the early days of our relationship it was hard and I did feel a bit excluded! We mostly communicate in english as a couple - but DD is being raised bilingual (and is fluent for her age in both languages!) And my french has massively improved learning
as she learns.

Has the conversation about your partner learning Italian never come up? If you are going to be married do they plan on never being able to attempt to communicate with your family in meaningful way? Or will you act as translator forever (a big bone of contention with DH - it's stressful for him to do this but that is a whole other thread!) Also I obviously don't know if DC are something you are planning for but it's a pretty big part of your identity - would you be ensuring they are bilingual?

I speak three languages and fully appreciate bi-lingualism but I do think that if there is just the three of you living together and two of you are communicating in a language that the third doesn’t understand, that’s a little rude. I can understand why she feels homesick and probably quite excluded in those circumstances and maybe you could compromise by speaking Italian when she’s not in the room but English when she is.

Having a conversation with your mother should be in whatever language you want. Those that do not have another language won’t understand that there is nothing better than speaking in your mother tongue. If you’re all at the table together then of course your mother should try to speak English. But if it’s just you two even in her presence I think it’s perfectly fine. For example my cousins wife is English. When he comes over he speaks to my mother in his mother tongue. He wasn’t brought up over here. His wife has no problem at all. Same with other family members. She needs to get over it.

If it's just the 3 of you in the house in a lockdown where her other communication will be limited I think it's really poor form to excluded her from conversations.

Obviously it should be a case that if you and your mum are talking in another room and she walks in that you immediately switch from Italian to English but for instance if your having dinner together and only speaking Italian that would be rude.

I would say using a language in front of her she can't understand is deliberately excluding her and I would be upset if it happened to me.

As someone who grew up with my mother speaking another language to my half siblings (one that wasn’t part of my heritage so I was never included) - it does feel incredibly exclusionary. You can’t join in with family talk, you’re literally excluded from conversations. You’re sat there feeling awkward not knowing what’s going on and it can be a bit disorienting.

Not everyone finds it easy to pick up languages - I never did. I still struggle to remember what words mean what despite having tried to learn the language for 10 years.

However if it is causing this large a problem, and you obviously look down on your partner a lot so perhaps now is the time to end the relationship.

*shouldn't be the case!

I think speaking Italian in front of her when it’s just the three of you is rude and I understand why she feels excluded. Whilst her comment about ‘being British’ was ridiculous, I can understand if she made it out of frustration. Can you not practice your Italian with your mum when your partner isn’t around?