AIBU - partner wants me to stop speaking Italian with my mum

[countrywalks1]

AIBU? Me and my partner have been staying at my mum's flat because of covid issues. She told me after 2 days here that she feels it's rude that I speak Italian with mum in front of her as she doesn't know what's going on and doesn't understand the language. I replied saying I understand it must be frustrating not to know, especially as she's the kind of person who likes to know everything, and the pandemic is really tough on her as she's homesick and hasn't been home properly for months, so I can understand why as she says she feels excluded.

However, my counterpoint was that I usually (about 60%) talk with mum in Italian. Culturally, I would say I'm half British and half Italian - I've mostly grown up in the UK but was born and most of my extended family are and live in Italy. I speak Italian fluently, but if I don't speak it regularly it gets a bit worse as I get out of practice with tenses and conjugations etc.

So I speak Italian with my mum because: 1) for me it's the language we've always communicated; 2) it makes me feel more connected with my Italian culture; 3) it pleases me to practice it; 4) I'm pretty sure my mum prefers talking to me in Italian than in English as she doesn't really get to speak it with anyone after my granddad (her dad) passed away a few years ago as did my very bilingually fluent brother. It's complicated I know!!!!

So told this to my partner, she says she appreciates the reasoning but still unnecessary to speak it when she's there as it feels she's excluded. I told her I understand why but I struggle to understand why she couldn't move past it as I've been in the same situation with friends speaking a language I don't understand where I just talk English when I can, or ask what's going on. The other thing is that usually my mum will save talking to me in Italian for mum things like telling me off or telling me to do something. I emphasised that we're never using it to talk about her or be nasty, and we kind of slip into it naturally.

Still she says she feels excluded, which at this point I understand. She was also in my opinion a bit nasty and in anger said we moved over here to the UK and chose to stay so we shouldn't really be talking Italian anymore anyway, we should be British. This I put down to anger that I wasn't understanding her point of view. In her defence she did also say I could speak it if I taught her Italian, although I struggle that the emphasis is on me to teach her when we have been together for 8 years and even gone over to visit my Italian relatives in Italy and been to weddings etc - without ever having tried to learn. Albeit we've been doing vocational education together throughout this time so many other important things to learn.

So last night I worked really hard to make sure I spoke only in English with everyone, so when mum asked me something in Italian I actively made sure to reply in English.

I just need to know AIBU in feeling disappointed? I understand my partner's frustration, and I can try to cut down on the Italian for a little while because of the circumstances - it's tough being homesick and then not even being able to understand the conversation where you are. It's just the request that I cut down on speaking Italian with my mum when she's also there - as I told her, I expect that I will always see mum with her (we're planning on getting married). I also feel that she's asking me to hide away (in the context of communicating with mum) a little part of my own culture. Therefore, AIBU to not let this lie?

I think we also need to know a bit more about your partner. Does she have a tendency to be controlling? Does she often make remarks like you’re in Britain so speak English?

Normally I'd say she is being unreasonable but I think giving the lockdown I can understand that she's feeling isolated. I think it is a bit rude to have whole conversations when she is there in Italian if your mum is able to speak English fluently. Perhaps you can divide up your day and have an Italian hour or so when you and your mum can natter away and have some time just the two of you. I'd cut her some slack, through she needs to address the xenophobic undertones of her "while in England" attitude, but again I think this is excusable given the circumstances where she is lockdown staying in someone else's flat seperated from her family with no idea how much longer all this will go on for!

If we weren't in lockdown then I would say that she is being unreasonable however we are and as such yabvu.
You are 3 people sick together 24/7 and 2 of you are completely excluding the 3rd from being involved in the conversation, add to that she is completely alone whilst watching you and your mum spend quality time together, that she can't have with her family or join in with you.

Basically I'm not surprised that she is getting very upset. How would you feel if the tables were turned. She is probably very lonely and sad since she explained that to you but you can't understand

I'm torn here.

My mum and I are both fluent in French but I would never speak to her in French around DH because imo, it's exceptionally rude to sit in a room and speak in a language one person doesn't understand. Would you like to be sat in a room where everyone was speaking Finnish (for example) and you had no idea what they were saying?

I'm not saying don't speak to your mum in Italian EVER but surely you can save it for times that your partner isn't around?

On the whole I'm going to go with YABU, as it's rude to deliberately exclude someone from the conversation. If your mum speaks English then you should all be speaking in a common language imo.

I think it depends what you're talking about and if your partner is interested in the subject of conversation. But she sounds very petty

Keep speaking Italian to your mum. Your relationship with your mum is in .Italian. Your partner needs to learn to speak Italian instead of complaining. Being in lockdown with two Italian speakers is an exellent opportunity to learn!

You've been together 8 years & she has not tried to learn Italian. It is a huge part of your culture....
You speak English - is that her mother tongue?
In relationships there should be at least an effort to learn each other's language - it's never been easier now with the internet! If she'd made steps to learn early on, she wouldn't feel left out.
As for 'well we're in Britain so we shouldn't be talking Italian'. Do you really want to be with someone so insular?

I’m a bit surprised by some of the responses here! You should probably stick to English around the dinner table, etc - I’m not surprised she feels excluded and I would definitely find it rude not to speak in the commonly understood language in those sorts of situations. If it’s just you and your mum, then obviously that is fine. Your partner should probably make some effort to learn Italian.

To be honest, I think you're being a bit mean. You should speak in the language you all understand, especially since she can't get out and see anyone else! And yes it would be great for her to learn Italian but that's not going to help right now is it.

I would speak Italian with your mum if you're having a coffee or something just the two of you, and make the effort to include your dp the rest of the time. She must be feeling really left out.

What will happen if you have children? It’s advised in your situation for you to only speak to them in Italian if you wanted to raised them to be bilingual.

As a general rule I'd agree with her, but if you don't have other chances to practice, then she is BU.

I'd suggest she enrols in an Italian course and offer to practice with her.

Sorry but I think it is rude and very exclusive to do it all the time when she’s around.
Particularly if both you and your mum can speak English.
Obviously different if you’re mum couldn’t.

Lockdown won’t last forever - don’t be a dick to her while it is going on - it’s hard enough.

Tell her to get a grip

I'm sure it's lovely for your partner to sit feeling the odd one out, but you crack on

After 8 years she should have made the effort to learn your language, especially when she knows you speak it to your mum. And she's a guest in your mum's home!

You should not stop speaking Italian but rather find some inclusion to blend it a little, foe example say to your partner," Mum was just saying such and such, whatt do you think? Mixing it up a little english and Italian, sometimes saying something in Italian and repeating it in English. She should make the effort to learn Italian. It will be important for any bilingual babies

Dirlo a andare cagrsi :)

You should definitely speak Italian with your Mum when it is just you two and the comments about only speaking in English now that you live here sound like they came from a place of anger and you deserve an apology. However, I don't understand why you would speak in exclusively Italian in front of your partner when you know it excludes them. It is rude so I think you are both being a bit unreasonable.

Best compromise would be for her to learn - listening to fluent speakers should really help her - especially if you explain vocabulary to her. She could do a free app like Duolingo or there are sometimes free online courses from The OU FutureLearn or other Universities, or a beginners book? Then you wouldn’t have to work out how to teach her, but you could help with her learning and maybe brush up on your own tenses and conjugations at the same time?

It depends. If you are speaking in Italian the whole time, like at dinner when she's sitting there and she is excluded from the conversation, then it's a bit rude, however, if she's not in the conversation, then it's fine.

Or better still tell her to use lockdown to do a Italian language course and make an effort.

Ooh I almost I understand that from my a level Spanish!

Dirlo: tell her
a andare: to go
cagrsi: ??

I’m also wondering if the responses on this thread would have been different if the OP’s language was non-European.

If you, your mum and partner are sat in a room and you and your mum are taking in Italian, it’s rude. It’s deliberately excluding someone from the conversation. You wouldn’t actually say to someone “you’re not included in this conversation so please don’t listen and don’t engage” as it’s incredibly rude, but you are doing that as she can’t understand.

And to PPs asking about children learning. Absolutely they should learn, but they should also learn manners about excluding people from conversations too.

At the same time, if this was me, I’d want to learn about your heritage and language and would have made and effort to learn some of the language.

The comment about living in the U.K. and only speaking English is the most concerning to me.

I think it depends what you're talking about and if your partner is interested in the subject of conversation. But she sounds very petty

But the OP speaks English to her mum 40% of the time anyway so it's not like her partner is constantly "excluded". I