AIBU - partner wants me to stop speaking Italian with my mum

[countrywalks1]

AIBU? Me and my partner have been staying at my mum's flat because of covid issues. She told me after 2 days here that she feels it's rude that I speak Italian with mum in front of her as she doesn't know what's going on and doesn't understand the language. I replied saying I understand it must be frustrating not to know, especially as she's the kind of person who likes to know everything, and the pandemic is really tough on her as she's homesick and hasn't been home properly for months, so I can understand why as she says she feels excluded.

However, my counterpoint was that I usually (about 60%) talk with mum in Italian. Culturally, I would say I'm half British and half Italian - I've mostly grown up in the UK but was born and most of my extended family are and live in Italy. I speak Italian fluently, but if I don't speak it regularly it gets a bit worse as I get out of practice with tenses and conjugations etc.

So I speak Italian with my mum because: 1) for me it's the language we've always communicated; 2) it makes me feel more connected with my Italian culture; 3) it pleases me to practice it; 4) I'm pretty sure my mum prefers talking to me in Italian than in English as she doesn't really get to speak it with anyone after my granddad (her dad) passed away a few years ago as did my very bilingually fluent brother. It's complicated I know!!!!

So told this to my partner, she says she appreciates the reasoning but still unnecessary to speak it when she's there as it feels she's excluded. I told her I understand why but I struggle to understand why she couldn't move past it as I've been in the same situation with friends speaking a language I don't understand where I just talk English when I can, or ask what's going on. The other thing is that usually my mum will save talking to me in Italian for mum things like telling me off or telling me to do something. I emphasised that we're never using it to talk about her or be nasty, and we kind of slip into it naturally.

Still she says she feels excluded, which at this point I understand. She was also in my opinion a bit nasty and in anger said we moved over here to the UK and chose to stay so we shouldn't really be talking Italian anymore anyway, we should be British. This I put down to anger that I wasn't understanding her point of view. In her defence she did also say I could speak it if I taught her Italian, although I struggle that the emphasis is on me to teach her when we have been together for 8 years and even gone over to visit my Italian relatives in Italy and been to weddings etc - without ever having tried to learn. Albeit we've been doing vocational education together throughout this time so many other important things to learn.

So last night I worked really hard to make sure I spoke only in English with everyone, so when mum asked me something in Italian I actively made sure to reply in English.

I just need to know AIBU in feeling disappointed? I understand my partner's frustration, and I can try to cut down on the Italian for a little while because of the circumstances - it's tough being homesick and then not even being able to understand the conversation where you are. It's just the request that I cut down on speaking Italian with my mum when she's also there - as I told her, I expect that I will always see mum with her (we're planning on getting married). I also feel that she's asking me to hide away (in the context of communicating with mum) a little part of my own culture. Therefore, AIBU to not let this lie?

YABU and what she asked you for is not what you wrote in the title. She doesn't want you to stop talking Italian with your Mum.

@Sharonas lol my mistake it should be Dirla a andare cagarsi

For everyone who is surprised she hasn't learned Italian in 8 years... Do you really think it's that easy? I've been with DH for 10 years and while I know basic french and can follow a conversation it is incredibly difficult to interject in a conversation involving two or more people speaking fluently to each other. By the time I've formed my sentence in my head the conversation has moved on!

Anyway, I think YABU. Fair enough if she's watching TV and you are chatting in the kitchen in Italian, but if everyone is in the same room or eating dinner for example then it's just rude and unnecessary right now. As a PP said, sounds like she's upset that she can't be around her own family and by the sounds of things she can't even be a part of yours right now.

Sorry, but I think it's very rude to exclude her. The intent may be different, but just as hurtful as whispering behind someones back to exclude them. Even more hurtful that this is happening in what is temporarily her home.

Surely there are times when you and your Mum are having a private conversation in a separate room whilst your partner is otherwise occupied when you could practice Italian?

If you're Mums saying something you wouldnt want your girlfriend to hear maybe she needs to think about whether it's appropriate to say it at all?

Wow! So many responses that I completely disagree with. If it is only the three of you living together in lockdown it is not just a little rude to exclude her in that way, it’s downright unkind. Of course under normal circumstances you should be free to talk Italian to your mum but these are not normal circumstances and I think you are being incredibly selfish and frankly I would be consider leaving you for your attitude and behaviour towards her.

Rude as fuck...

Tell her to stop being rude and lazy and learn it herself!

I tbink its incredibly rude. I know you say you are not talking about her but for all she knows you could be saying anything as she doesn't understand the conversation. You are basically asking her to live in a household where 2/3 of the occupants are deliberately ignoring the third.

I also think some people on this thread see learning a language as something everyone could do if they just tried hard enough. For some people no matter how hard or how long they practice for it simply wont be possible to develop a language fluently.

I think she's right. 3 people in a room and 2 of them deliberately choose to speak a language that excludes the third when they can speak English perfectly well. It is rude.

I come from a dual language family where not everyone speaks dh's language e.g. my elderly parents. I love speaking it. I want to practice it. I want my dcs to hear it and grow up around it but I would always switch to English if people who don't speak it are with us. There's plenty of opportunity to speak the second language without deliberately excluding someone else.

She's all me, me, me and a bit of a twat. After 8 years I'm surprised she's made no effort to learn Italian. How else are you supposed to practice if you can't talk to your Mum? If you have children, what does she think will happen?

So, you are speaking another language in front of her which you know she doesn’t speak. Therefore it is a conscious choice to deliberately exclude her.

Surely the compromise here, if you must speak Italian in front of her, would be to translate what you are saying?If you choose not to do that then you are deliberately shutting her out and her upset is completely reasonable.

I speak another language on the same level of fluency as I speak English. I often have conversations with friends in that language,but if my DP (who doesn’t speak the language) is there then I will either translate back or speak English.

To deliberately exclude your partner in such a way is exceptionally rude,and if this was another situation e.g. people whispering about someone for instance then people would be saying that they were being deliberately excluded so why is this different?

YABU. It's really rude. You can speak Italian when she's not around surely?

So, if she travels with you to Italy she will automatically stop speaking English? Guess not. She can take it as an opportunity to learn another language. I speak in certain languages to certain people and translate for those who don´t understand. She is taking the piss.

You’ve been together eight years and your partner hasn’t picked up any phrases or words in Italian in all that time, but thinks you should teach her and only then speak your mother tongue in her presence?

And she told you to speak English in Britain?

You want to marry this person!

I’ve been with DP for six years, I am not English by heritage and tend to tell my older DC off in my mother tongue (far more effective), or I’ll absentmindedly call a dish I’ve cooked in my native tongue.
DP has picked up phrases and words and will sometimes add them in when speaking to me or DC.

I wouldn’t be with someone who told me I should only speak English as I’m in England. I’ve had far too much racial abuse to find that in any way justifiable.

It's a difficult time,she's feeling homesick,you've got your mum,she's explained how she feels about being excluded and you're piling the blame on her.
It's been weeks and could be many more. She can't just pop out to see friends or mooch round the shops if it's all a bit much.
I think a bit more empathy and maybe a few on the spot translations might make her feel more included. Plus an agreement for when you need to speak Italian,rather than English.

Remind her that she is a guest in your mothers house and stop her racist twattery.

Nothing wrong with you speaking Italian BUT i do think if your partner is present you should be prepared to extend the courtesy by quickly translating. I have tonnes of Polish friends who speak Polish amongst themselves and always translate back to me if I’m about. It’s good manners. However I think your partner could also try and learn some Italian too perhaps????

Big red flag, as others have mentioned, that your partner hasn't started learning Italian herself. She's absolutely right that it's more inclusive when there is a common language, but that means she should put some effort in too.

I've been where the partner is in that my ex's family wasn't from the UK but did know a fair amount of English. I learned their language so that I could communicate with her wider family, and so that I could function when visiting her home country. As we were in a serious relationship, I considered it necessary to learn her 'family language'. I don't see why your partner thinks she doesn't have to put any effort in.

I think it's worth trying to have a conversation about it, and brainstorm ways that you can solve this problem together. It should be you versus her, it should be the two of you finding ways to resolve this problem together. With marriage being on the cards, this is the kind of thing you need to be able to talk about openly. Realistically, Italian is always going to be part of the picture, and an important one at that.

She is hurt by feeling left out - but why is she so worried? Surely she can sense context. You are hurt because she's telling you a big piece of your identity is wrong or offensive - why does she feel the need to attack something so integral to you that surely was part (maybe consciously or not) of the reason she loves you so much in the first place.

Speaking the most fluent language between two people, especially parent/child is always going to be the most sensible route. I find her comment about it being "unnecessary" quite self-important and a little concerning.

If the 3 of you are in the same room, at the same table, etc, and you all have a language in common, you should be speaking it. Rude not to.

Otherwise, private conversations between you and your mom, can be in any language you like.

If you had children, you'd probably want to give them the bilingual advantage, which would require you to speak to the child in italian while your partner used English.

Your partner needs to apologise for the 'be British' comments, and you need to apologise for the times you've been rude and excluded her, but that doesn't mean you can only converse in English with your mom. Just be aware of when you're doing it.

To be honest there are two sides to this. However I think you are making your partner feel left out OP. It's a bit like having a whispered conversation when there's someone else in the room. You aren't meaning to be rude but that's how it will be experienced by her.

Fair enough to have a coffee and a chat with your mum once a day I agree.

And your partner could start a Duolingo course too. I'm doing 45 minutes of Italian like this every day and really enjoying it.

You need to have a chat together and try to see the other person's point of view.

Really surprised at the comments here, she lives with you both in lockdown and despite you and your mother both being fluent in English you spend 60% of your time talking in Italian knowing your partner has no clue what you’re saying? So 60% of the time you exclude your partner from your conversations? That’s rude as fuck. I’m not surprised she’s upset.

I think speaking to your mother alone in Italian is fine when you’re fiancé isn’t present, but to spend most of the time talking in an language your partner can’t understand when she’s stuck in a house with just you two being deliberately excluded from your conversations is cruel and extremely rude. I would be very upset if I was her, as while I understand you have your reasons for it, they don’t justify excluding someone from the conversation the majority of the time. She must feel very lonely. Also, people saying it’s her fault for not learning Italian, you do realise learning languages as an adult is incredibly difficult? I’m also sure she didn’t foresee the need to given the only person OP speaks in Italian to regularly appears to be her mother and no one could have predicted this situation. Yes her comments about them being in Britain aren’t great, but I assume it’s out of frustration at being repeatedly excluded from conversations and you not seeing how rude and hurtful that is.

You should probably stick to English around the dinner table, etc - I’m not surprised she feels excluded and I would definitely find it rude not to speak in the commonly understood language in those sorts of situations. If it’s just you and your mum, then obviously that is fine. Your partner should probably make some effort to learn Italian

Sums it up nicely for me ...

I’ll go against the grain here.

What?!

I'm a fluent Welsh speaker, so is our son, my ex was English.

I speak Welsh to my mother.

My Ex never once complained about it, he just thought that's how things are. He actually made an effort to learn some Welsh words so he could understand what DS was asking for as a small child and become part of the bilingual brigade.

He had his faults, but this one thing he did really well. He appreciated and respected my language, my culture and my heritage. There wasn't even an argument about DS going to Welsh medium school, it was agreed straight away. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your culture and language is part of who you are, it's part of your identity, and as a guest in someone else's home your partner needs to wind their neck in a little.

YABU.
It’s very rude to exclude other people by speaking a language they don’t understand!