AIBU - partner wants me to stop speaking Italian with my mum

[countrywalks1]

AIBU? Me and my partner have been staying at my mum's flat because of covid issues. She told me after 2 days here that she feels it's rude that I speak Italian with mum in front of her as she doesn't know what's going on and doesn't understand the language. I replied saying I understand it must be frustrating not to know, especially as she's the kind of person who likes to know everything, and the pandemic is really tough on her as she's homesick and hasn't been home properly for months, so I can understand why as she says she feels excluded.

However, my counterpoint was that I usually (about 60%) talk with mum in Italian. Culturally, I would say I'm half British and half Italian - I've mostly grown up in the UK but was born and most of my extended family are and live in Italy. I speak Italian fluently, but if I don't speak it regularly it gets a bit worse as I get out of practice with tenses and conjugations etc.

So I speak Italian with my mum because: 1) for me it's the language we've always communicated; 2) it makes me feel more connected with my Italian culture; 3) it pleases me to practice it; 4) I'm pretty sure my mum prefers talking to me in Italian than in English as she doesn't really get to speak it with anyone after my granddad (her dad) passed away a few years ago as did my very bilingually fluent brother. It's complicated I know!!!!

So told this to my partner, she says she appreciates the reasoning but still unnecessary to speak it when she's there as it feels she's excluded. I told her I understand why but I struggle to understand why she couldn't move past it as I've been in the same situation with friends speaking a language I don't understand where I just talk English when I can, or ask what's going on. The other thing is that usually my mum will save talking to me in Italian for mum things like telling me off or telling me to do something. I emphasised that we're never using it to talk about her or be nasty, and we kind of slip into it naturally.

Still she says she feels excluded, which at this point I understand. She was also in my opinion a bit nasty and in anger said we moved over here to the UK and chose to stay so we shouldn't really be talking Italian anymore anyway, we should be British. This I put down to anger that I wasn't understanding her point of view. In her defence she did also say I could speak it if I taught her Italian, although I struggle that the emphasis is on me to teach her when we have been together for 8 years and even gone over to visit my Italian relatives in Italy and been to weddings etc - without ever having tried to learn. Albeit we've been doing vocational education together throughout this time so many other important things to learn.

So last night I worked really hard to make sure I spoke only in English with everyone, so when mum asked me something in Italian I actively made sure to reply in English.

I just need to know AIBU in feeling disappointed? I understand my partner's frustration, and I can try to cut down on the Italian for a little while because of the circumstances - it's tough being homesick and then not even being able to understand the conversation where you are. It's just the request that I cut down on speaking Italian with my mum when she's also there - as I told her, I expect that I will always see mum with her (we're planning on getting married). I also feel that she's asking me to hide away (in the context of communicating with mum) a little part of my own culture. Therefore, AIBU to not let this lie?

Your partner is a neurotic who is not mature enough to be in a relationship. How about her learning Italian? Oh no, people will laugh at me. You may want to consider someone a little more sympatico.

He may not have deliberately gone out to choose someone who speaks another language, but he's ended up with one. And it makes sense to try to meet a partner on their own ground some of the time and learn about their language and culture.

Learning about a language and culture is a bit different to actually learning a language.

He's interested in my culture, but not big on languages :) partly as he's dyslexic. My exh was the opposite - good at languages, but totally tone deaf to potential cultural differences. He just didn't believe they might exist!

My DM is very good at languages but she never learned to speak Czech, the native language of my F's family. My siblings and I never learned any either. My paternal DGM lives with us when I was very small and she spoke very little English and she and my F did speak to each other in Czech. She firm when I was only 3, though, so after that Czech didn't figure in our lives except when my uncle visited occasionally.

I speak French fluently, but that'll only because I lived in France during the third year of my degree

However, I'm used to hearing different languages being spoken, so it wouldn't occur to me to feel that I was being purposely excluded..

Learning languages isn't easy for everyone but it really can be done if you want it enough. As has been said, you don't need a lot to follow a conversation and then contribute in English. You can remind them to please speak more slowly. That was one of the first phrases I learned to say!

Oh dear, I meant that my DGM lived, past tense obviously, as she's been dead for a very long time!!

Learning languages isn't easy for everyone but it really can be done if you want it enough.

Yes, but unreasonable to expect someone to spend the hours learning it (estimated 600 + for Italian even if good at languages) just so that they can talk to an in law who chooses not to speak in English despite being totally fluent.I certainly wasn't going to do t. Much easier just to avoid in laws.

Yes, but unreasonable to expect someone to spend the hours learning it (estimated 600 + for Italian even if good at languages) just so that they can talk to an in law who chooses not to speak in English despite being totally fluent.

You don't need to speak the language. The whole thread started about being excluded from not understanding, which is a different issue.

I have known plenty of people who can't/won't speak Italian, but can follow what's being said enough to speak in English and join in the conversation. And in a discussion with mixed language speakers that usually triggers a shift to English anyway.

You don't need to speak the language. The whole thread started about being excluded from not understanding, which is a different issue.

I disagree. I understand a fair amount of what DH is saying but to really understand and join in with an adult conversation, you need to be quite fluent or you soon get lost. It is a lot of effort to reach that level of fluency for many people.

I have known plenty of people who can't/won't speak Italian, but can follow what's being said enough to speak in English and join in the conversation. And in a discussion with mixed language speakers that usually triggers a shift to English anyway.

Dh's in laws probably say that I do that but actually it is not easy at all. I miss loads of what they are saying and it is hardly relaxing. I avoid visiting nowadays.

I meant learning a bit of the language rather than "about" the language, mrpumblechook, sorry to have phrased it confusingly. I think you're arguing a different thing to what people are suggesting - I don't think anyone is expecting someone to become completely fluent, but to gain a level of understanding. As with the pp who said they can mostly follow conversations but tend to answer in their own language.

My ex moved his brother in and they spoke in gudrati all the time. I thought it wS very rude and excluded me. Hence why he is an X

The OP has said that the mother speaks Italian to the OP mainly about issues that refer directly to the OP, or to correct them.
I imagine something like complaining about their dirty clothes on the floor or not putting a plate away.

I can't imagine that the OP's partner will need to understand much of the conversation or be part of it.

However, I'm used to hearing different languages being spoken, so it wouldn't occur to me to feel that I was being purposely excluded..

I think you can feel excluded even if you don't feel it's purposefully so. If people are choosing to speak in a language you don't understand yuo are being excluded, purposeful or not.

But that isn't allowed in the UK. No matter how "shit you are at learning languages" we expect all immigrants to learn it, and make it part of out citizenship tests. (Which is a much higher level that just picking up a flow of conversation ...)

It's B1 level. It's essentially "How are you" and "What's your name" level😂

And as pps pointed out this is a very different scenario. If OP said " We moved to Italy and DP is refusing to learn" I would very much told OP to get her packing.

Again. Partners can work very well without learning each other's languages as long as they respect the culture and have some common language.

I would love it if my MIL spoke a different language and I couldn’t understand a word she said. That for me would be the perfect scenario 😄

I think it’s rude, as she can’t join in with the conversation. She’s completely excluded.