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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to split money this way?

258 replies

Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 21:18

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 21:21

I've just remembered something from a few weeks ago that has made me really cross.

My DF has said he wants to give me a large sum of money as early inheritance. It's a life changing amount. DH and I were talking and he told me that he sees that as family money and there's no way he'd be happy with me having the same attitude.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/05/2020 21:21

Most folks will say him, but for me, both of you.

You should put enough into the joint account to cover your joint expenses as a proportion of your wages, and what’s left is your own.

So for example 50 percenr each.

For some though, as your female, you’re entitled to his wage.

Original poster
Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 21:23

I used to think the same as you and didn't think his salary was mine at all but since being off work for 2 years looking after our children while he studied every weekend and worked full time, furthering his career and increasing his pay packet, my attitude has changed somewhat.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 09/05/2020 21:23

@Bluntness100 surely it’s not a case of a ‘female’ being entitled to a wage but spouses sharing their income?

Reallynowdear · 09/05/2020 21:25

Does he want his salary to be his, but the early inheritance you may receive to be joint?

Original poster
Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 21:28

Yes he think the early inheritance should be split. He said it in a no questions asked sort of way and the conversation moved on. To be honest, that's sort of what sparked me thinking that we should share our incomes more equitably. If he benefits from my family's wealth, then I benefit from his salary. Two way street.

OP posts:
Batqueen · 09/05/2020 21:29

Was it a joint decision for you to be a SAHM? If so yes he is unreasonable. And yes, if the money from your father is family money, so is his salary. Or the money from your father is yours and his salary is his.

Porridgeoat · 09/05/2020 21:30

What luxuries do you buy?

How much do you both have left over each month?

What does he do with his lady over cash?

Windyatthebeach · 09/05/2020 21:30

Personally I would use df's cash to leave him.
And claim Cms..

RandomMess · 09/05/2020 21:31

It's either all family money or it's separate and he can start paying you a nanny and housekeepers wage for when he is working and studying and you split the nursery fees 50:50.

I would be certainly keeping the inheritance completely separate fro the family money and investing it for you - property for your pension??

I am sick and tired of the stay home parent or part time one or just lower earning one treated as lesser. He could not have advanced in his earnings without you supporting him and looking after his DC Angry

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2020 21:31

surely it’s not a case of a ‘female’ being entitled to a wage but spouses sharing their income?

That’s a joint decision, not one legally dictated. Or gender dictated

Op what was rhe agreement when you had the kids?

raspberryk · 09/05/2020 21:32

I'd tell him how much child maintenance is for 2 ...
I presume you mean 20k & 40k?...

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2020 21:33

It's either all family money or it's separate and he can start paying you a nanny and housekeepers wage for when he is working and studying and you split the nursery fees 50:50.

That’s so stupid. It’s like someone on here said it and a bunch of people said oh that sounds cool

Sure she can bill him. And he will bill her for the share of all the other costs, mortgage, utilities, food etc, who do you think owes more?

Sparklesocks · 09/05/2020 21:33

@Bluntness100 well no. But the majority of married couples split their finances, it’s not an obscure idea. And you’re the one who brought up gender...

EL8888 · 09/05/2020 21:33

He’s unreasonable and appears to want things both ways. Fine. Keep the inheritance for yourself, go back to work full time, get a nanny and a cleaner. Bet he won’t like either!!!

Ellisandra · 09/05/2020 21:34

Tell your dad you don’t want the early inheritance until the Consent Order for your divorce is sealed and at least a year old. (take solicitor advice on that: you’re supposed to declare a significant change in finances that is expected, and even if not expected it is possible to ask to revisit a CO if there’s a significant change very soon after - I think, not a lawyer)

A bit flippant and dramatic I think... but if it’s truly a life saving sum and he thinks that’s family money and your joint earnings aren’t... I don’t think he’s husband material.

How do you feel about concentrating on your career and earnings once you return to work? Do you want to? If so, do not play second fiddle to him just because he earns more now.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2020 21:34

And who the hell wants to be Positioned as the nanny or the house keeper. Seriously daftest thing ever.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 09/05/2020 21:35

Your way sounds totally reasonable. If he wants to
Split your money he needs to share his also. I can’t stand that attitude of I’m not giving you half my wage. You are married you have children, what a selfish twat.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2020 21:35

But the majority of married couples split their finance

Can you post rhe link to the stats on this.

And what does it matter what the majority do? It’s what they agreed or do that matters, not what anyone else does.

Mary46 · 09/05/2020 21:35

Dont think its 2 way street though. He sounds v controlling. We joint ac. Only time he checks if both wages went in to account. He would only ask me if money low what came out. My friend thinks am crazy she never do joint monies she said!!

Ellisandra · 09/05/2020 21:36

Tbh, one of the reasons why I’m risking a roasting for bandying about the D word so quickly, is your comment about him checking your spending. However you as a couple decide that money is fairly split (and I earn more than my husband, and keep more of it, as it happens) that is just not something I would put up with.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed about your compulsive spending and multiple debts, it’s none of his damn business to check your spending like you’re a child Angry

Sparklesocks · 09/05/2020 21:37

@Bluntness100 you seem quite irate. Apologies if I’ve upset you somehow? You seem to be misunderstanding what I’m saying.

Original poster
Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 21:37

Joint decision to stay at home.

Luxuries like clothes, coffees, lunch out occasionally, makeup. Nothing extravagant.

I don't have much leftover (when I'm earning, nothing leftover at the moment.

I've got NO IDEA what's leftover for him. I've asked but he breezily says not much. I've never got an answer from him about that.

2k and 4k p/m. 40k and 80k p/a roughly. Mine will be less than 40k because being out of work, I'm now looking for work below my last salary.

OP posts:
Techway · 09/05/2020 21:37

Nothing to do with being female, silly comment.

The person caring for the children is doing a job that supports the family. Even though the support is non earning it is still working for the family.

Your approach is what most couples do, they have the same amount of disposable income for spending. What is wrong with that?

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2020 21:37

Op, sorry I’d add that the inheritance is yours. He can’t have it both ways.