To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

Unravelling me too. I don't get it.

'I'm broke after paying the household expenses; he's still rolling I cash'

WTAF?

yy to Reluctantbettlynch's advice.

I agree with PP - get your dad to keep his money for now. If it enough that you would be ok without him?

The fact he didn’t want to discuss your suggestion but stormed out says to me he’s a controlling and not terribly nice person. It feels like he’s doing that to control you - that you won’t want that reaction again tomorrow so you’ll leave it.

I can’t believe anyone thinks it’s reasonable for you to be spending your £600 of food shopping etc and he’s got £4K you are nothing of when you are a family with children.

Your idea is measured and normal and I think he’s being entirely unreasonable.

Sorry why is he cross? As you dated speak about money? Even if he didn’t want to change the way it is done it should be something husband and wife can discuss. It should not incite anger! There’s something really strange/wrong there.

We just had this conversation. My husband earns around 4K and I have only 1300.

We split the amount equal. I only work part time but I do all the work with the kids. The way he sees it is that he could not do his job without me as he works away a lot and has very little input with the kids.

Tell him to do half of the work with the kids and house and then see if he changes his mind.

Op where did the loans he’s paying come from?

Rolling in cash

I'm confident he has no debt to hide. More likely he's got a seperate savings account or something to keep HIS money for HIMSELF. FUUUUUUCK I'M SO ANGRY!!

My husband and I earn a similar amount between us- we have completely separate bank accounts. He pays the mortgage and council tax, and I pay for kids stuff and food. There is no way I would want us to ‘pool’ our money. He buys crap all the time I would go ballistic about. Plus I have no desire to give up my independence and be dependent on him to support me financially. I also wouldn’t expect him to give me extra money he has (he earns a bit more than me but not much). Works for us and I don’t think it is at all weird. My best friend and her husband do similar.

Its depressing that these threads are on here so often. So often the woman (and it usually is!) puts her career on hold

Saving for a mortage spurred it initially but has pretty much became the norm. Both our wages total about 4k, both paid into the joint account and all the bills into there too. We each take 400 for ourselves into our own current accounts and i generally move anything from 1k to 1.5k into the saving out of the way. Worked surprisingly well and managed to build savings back up since we bought the house and ive been on mat leave. I withdrew my pension and got just under 2.5k back, i want to spend a bit on myself and the rest will go into the savings account but thats my choice not because i have too

We share everything, doesn't matter who earns what

We both have a Direct Debit of “spends” each, to give us privacy and independence. We both get the same amount despite wage differences. We both have access to all left in joint account and savings but rarely take from it for personal use unless discussed.

Why do people always throw in the 'she's sacrificed her career' when the woman had decided to stay at home? No, she's Chosen to do so. Even the most stupid person would know that taking a couple of years out of the workplace would have an impact on salary and employability. The OP is clearly intelligent, she earns a well above average salary. £40k a year will give you a monthly income of around £2.5k. Or at least it did when I earned that!

OP, you need to sit down with your DH, draw up a budget that includes all bills for everything, including all costs for children and savings, then split the amount to pay for these things proportionally to your salaries. So if it came to £5k a month, he'd pay 2/3 and you'd pay 1/3 as he earns double what you do. You'd pay approx £1600 and he'd pay £3200.

Or do what I do, put both incomes into one joint account!

Rayn we're the same. What's his is mine, what's mine is his. Also, the heavy lifting I bring to the family benefits all of us, which he appreciates.

It's not by all means cash; in fact, cash is a small part of it.

He took out two loans for our cars a few years ago (he got a swish BMW for his fancy job, I got an old banger 😵 to cart the kids around in that he won't be seen dead in at work).

I think most men know that one half of a couple has to sacrifice career for a time when you have a family, often it's the woman and all too often they never make up the lost ground from years of part time work or being a SAHM. Yours doesn't seem to understand that he gets to have a family and a better paying job because you sacrificed career advancement so you could both have children. I'd test the theory and say you are going to leave because you're fed up of being beholden to him financially and tell him you want him to have custody of the children. His reaction will tell you what he understands about how being the main care giver for children impacts career. I'm not suggesting you actually do this but if he tells you it won't work because of his job then he's telling you he knows that for you having children has had a financial cost which is greater than the sacrifice of him sharing his salary.

So to recap. What’s his is his. And what’s yours is... his. Yep seems totally fair. 🤬

You are an adult. He should not be policing your spending and he should be sharing money with you as an equal partner and mother to your joint children ffs.

As for the large sum of money. Definitely keep that separate. That is yours legally even if he willingly shared his earnings. Pig. Your dd would be devastated if he gave that to you, you shared it with your husband and then you divorced.

Cross post. He bought an old banger for you and the kids. I’d dump him. Your dad is literally handing you a way out on a silver platter.

YANBU and he is financially abusive.

@Mummyoflittledragon is that right about the inheritance being mine? I thought that all money from within a marriage was legally joint?

DH and I pool all our earnings (he earns significantly more than me), and then all expenditure comes out of the joint account. We are both careful with money, and would discuss any larger purchases, so it works for us. I contribute more to the household, childcare etc, and as a result my career has taken a backseat role, but my DH acknowledges that and hence why we pool all our earnings.

If I were to inherit, I would therefore fully expect to share this with my DH and kids (eg pay off part of the mortgage, or car loan etc), but it is a lot easier for me to make that decision when my DH shares all his salary with me.

if you're a team, you're a team, and when is doing well, and earning more, so what?
There may come a time when that person isn't doing well, but the other is.
You're supposed to be sharing your efforts.

Now of course, there are times when a bit of your own money allows you to buy gifts, or save up for treats etc, but why can't that come from the same leftover pot and split into your own accounts?

Sometimes, one person is better with money, and there might be sensible reasons for one to have more control, but that's really if the other has a bit of an issue with money and agrees for the other to police it better.

Team effort all the way for me.

Ok so everyone that is saying he should share his money equally- would they say the same if it was the other way round??
My husband got a bonus last month- he spent it all on a hugely expensive lawn mower. If we had a joint account and I was putting my money in there too I would have been really annoyed, however as this was an extra he got for working very long hours why on earth would I begrudge him spending it on something he really wanted?? All our bills were covered and I have my own money. Are people really saying he should have given me £500 to buy myself something??? Is that not a bit 1950s housewife??

Yes, OP what's with the loans that he's paid? What were they for?